If a parent or friend warns you against over-spending on the wedding, it doesn't automatically mean she thinks you're over-spending on your wedding, which your stressed-out mind might read as 'why are you trying to keep my wedding day small and unimpressive? Don't you think I deserve a gorgeous wedding day?' That's one of the biggest mistakes brides make -- taking things personally -- and nothing good ever comes from that.

Here's why people make a big deal over what things cost with weddings these days: it's everywhere on TV!! Never before have we seen so many wedding-themed TV shows and segments on The Today Show and Good Morning America, where viewers are voting online between the $5,000 wedding dress and the $7,500 wedding dress. Your mom has probably been shocked beyond all belief at how much wedding items cost, simply because she sees big numbers everywhere she looks! $3,000 on Cake Boss for a wedding cake? $9,000 on Say Yes to the Dress? Not to mention all of their friends talking about how much weddings costs these days, and how ridiculous it is to spend that kind of money on one day.

Don't take these questions to heart, and don't latch onto some imaginary idea that you don't deserve the wedding of your dreams. Everyone just has money on their minds right now. It's not personal.

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This sad scenario is happening a lot these days -- parents who originally promised to pay for the honeymoon, or the flowers, or the reception have hit some hard times. Maybe one has lost a job. Maybe their savings are dwindling. Maybe their IRA took a massive hit in this economy. Or medical bills have taken a chunk out of your wedding fund.

Maybe it's your bridesmaid who is having tough financial times and has to step out of the bridal party, or who can't give you the bridal shower she had in mind.

With wedding stress stretching you to your limits and any little thing setting you on edge, it's too easy to fall into the dreaded "Why me?!" cry, mourning your lost honeymoon or bridal shower dreams. A terrible thing has happened, and you're all upset about it.

Now we know you're not one of those horrible Bridezilla chicks on TV who are all about themselves, quite heartlessly yelling at their mothers for not being smarter with their money and ruining your day. You don't have that in you. Which is why we like you so much here at iVillage.

And we know we don't have to remind you to comfort the ones who are having tough times. That's just part of your nature.

What's happening here is you're being reminded that any plan made, any promise made, at the start of your wedding plans is always, always a Possibility. And when that possibility goes away, you get the chance to work with the disappointed parent or bridesmaid to come up with a Plan B.

No doubt they feared letting you know about their No. They probably had sleepless nights, maybe some high blood pressure. Plenty of stress. And everyone can relate to that these days.

So when you do get the news that a Possibility now has to morph into a Plan B, you can just hug them and say, "Okay, let's think up some different options."

And the biggest and best option for these tough financial times is to think up ways for your bridesmaid or your parent to contribute in non-financial ways. Helping to make programs or favors, confirming with your vendors, searching for the linens you want -- tasks that take time and care -- have as much value, if not more, than writing a check. And you get to rescue your very stressed loved one.

It helps if you have some Plan B ideas already in mind, so prep yourself for any dreaded phone calls by listing out some What If ideas...

If Shelley can't host the big bridal shower at the country club, then we can do a pizza party at my place and go swimming in the pool

If Mom and Dad can't pay for the flowers, I'll get a DIY book and invite the bridesmaids over to make the centerpieces with me. The craft store has free classes on making bouquets, so that would be a great group activity, too.

If my groom's Mom can't pay for the cake, we'll talk to the catering manager and make a few changes to the cocktail party menu, taking out a station or two, so that the cake is free.

You'll amaze yourself at your resourcefulness, and you'll be in a calmer and better position if anyone can't keep an original promise. And brides who have been in your position say that Plan B of working as a group on DIY projects was actually a great bonding experience that got both sides of the family and all of the friends to have a lot of fun together.

Sure, you'll be disappointed that you can't do the 2 weeks in Hawaii on your parents' dime. There's not a DIY plan to make up for that, and your parents will surely be heartbroken about it. But maybe this change in your expectations is going to lead you to look online for a different honeymoon package, which you find at 1/3 the price, in a better location, with lots of freebies in the resort's plan, and opportunities you wouldn't have had at the original location. And your parents can spring for that. It often happens that Plan B turns out far better than Plan A!

And maybe you can do 2 weeks in Hawaii on your first anniversary. Or push your honeymoon back a few months to a less expensive time of year, which your parents can afford as their wedding gift to you. Not a bad Plan B!

"That's just like what your mother does!"

"Of course you're late with the tux order! Your whole family's always late!"

"And here I thought you were DIFFERENT from your brother!"

"I can see I'm going to have to de-program the cheapskate DNA you got from your parents!"

I'm cringing as I write these slightly exaggerated [but only slightly exaggerated] phrases utterd by many frustrated, angry and anxious brides out there. It's just such an unfair fighting style! But unfortunately, in the throes of wedding stress, some pretty heinous things can come out of your mouth.

Which is why I want to urge you to make it an unbreakable rule for yourself: never tie what your groom is doing to *anything* his family does.

#1: Judging isn't nice.

#2: Throwing his family's flaws at him isn't nice.

#3: Lumping him in with his family's flaws isn't nice.

#4: Saying you have to de-program him...well, that's just really not nice.

Grooms forgive a lot from their frazzled brides, and brides forgive a lot from their overwhelmed grooms. The guys say they're nervous about treading in wedding world, and they'd like you to be their partner, not their boss. So for you or anyone else to take a situation that requires change -- okay, he's late with the tux order -- and bash him over the head with an insult that cuts right to the soul of him...big mistakes. And not something that he'll forget anytime soon.

Wedding season insults burn right down to the bone and stay there. Sometimes forever. Even if you apologize.

Think about how you'd feel if your busy schedule made you late with something...and your groom barked that you're just like your mother [or your father, or sister, or anyone else who's made a career out of being late with things.] You're supposed to have an unconditional relationship of trust and protection of one another. Any snapped insult like that hurts. A lot.

Yes, you're going to clash and bicker over things. That's natural, and it happens to everyone. But believe me...tying what he does to his family's bad habits is an injury you can't even fathom.

You probably never thought about it like that, but that's why I'm here: to point out some common auto-pilot reactions and behaviors that catapult you so far from Planning in Peace that you can't even see harmony in the future.

So ban the whole 'you're just like' weapon from your arsenal and find a better way to get him to call in that tux order. And don't ever say 'de-program' again. Peace, harmony, trust and safety will be saved!

Avoid the tension, anxiety, suspicious, and fights about what happens at a traditional, drinkfest/stripper-fest bachelor or bachelorette party -- the most common pre-wedding fight between brides and grooms -- by planning something completely different! Something that everyone can attend, from the kids to the parents, even grandma!

Everyone needs a fun day out, right? Well, I've got your solution!

Go to a FanFest! Those conventions where celebrities appear, and you can talk with them, take photos with them, get autographs, and just jump up and down when you see them in person doing a Q&A onstage. I'd rather meet a celebrity than some male exotic dancer telling me to 'polish the apple' as he holds up his bicep in front of my face. Eeew! And I know I'd rather my groom meet celebrities than whoever's listed in some ad in the back of a magazine.

Here's an example: This weekend is the hot ticket TwiTour Twilight convention. Yes, it's Twilight, and all of our favorites will be there -- Ashley Greene included. This event has been sold out for months, and imagine the excitement of everyone from your flowergirls to your junior bridesmaids, all the way up to the Moms who love their Twilight when you announce that this is going to be your pre-wedding celebration! Everyone gets to sit in on a Q&A session, you may get to have brunch with the stars, meet the director of the movie, and shop like crazy -- money far better spent on Edward keepsakes than on shots of tequila!

I love these shows, for the creativity of the sets, the excited vibe in the showrooms, the chance to speak to artists and creators who are big in the news, and the thrill of getting to say, "I was there!" The same-old bachelorette party doesn't give you this kind of fun and excitement for your entire group, young and old!

For your local tour dates and the Creation Entertainment lineup of upcoming tour dates, visit their website today, and GROOMS, this means you too! You and your guys might prefer to go to a fanfest event in place of a stripper-party. I took my groom to a big fanfest featuring NFL stars, and he got to meet his hero Dan Marino. It was a great moment! And the pictures are fabulous!

These shows are often ultra-inexpensive to attend -- sometimes just $20 per person, and it's a very fun time! So check out the Twilight tour, see what else they have on tap, and get your group ready for a fun and conflict-free party!

Don't focus on what someone didn't do! This is one of those all-too-human habits that can make you miserable, and psychologists would have a field day analyzing what it is about your childhood that makes you focus on when you don't get the nice comment or the favor from a parent. But we're going to forget about over-analyzing right now...because that's part of the problem!

If you're the type who analyzes everything, mixing that in with the bad habit of remembering disappointing interactions with people [and who doesn't have a bunch of those in their memory banks!?], planning in peace is never going to be your thing.

Take Sheila, for example. Sheila is a current bride-to-be who wrote me with one of the best questions ever: "I have so many friends and family members who are so excited about the wedding plans, they're offering to help, they're offering to let me borrow their veil or their aisle runner, one even offered her house as the location for the reception. But I'm thinking all the time about my one friend who hasn't returned my phone calls, hasn't had anything positive to say, and doesn't even seem to want to come to the wedding, let alone be a bridesmaid. I'm crushed and really unhappy...when I really shouldn't be. She's just one person, right? Why is this such a huge thing for me?"

My answer to Sheila: "It always hurts when a friend doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about them, when they don't treat you with the same value you treat them. Your friend isn't behaving the way you want her to, and that's hitting a huge nerve with you. Right now is not the time to 'fix' the relationship or try to 'fix' her. She's going to behave the way she behaves. Your most important job right now is to focus on all of the people who are treating you like gold and taking a huge interest in your wedding. Create a gratitude journal in which you record all of the great feedback you're getting from those people. Spend more time with those people. Call those people just to chat, laugh and have fun. NOT to talk about your cranky friend, who might be having a personal problem. You don't want to 'poison the well' of your friendship circle by getting all of your helpful friends to focus with you on the cranky friend. Just put that aside and allow yourself to revel in the circle of wonderful people you know."

I know it can be hard to do this, when you're truly hurt by the one person who's being a troublemaker. But it's up to YOU to choose your happiness over your hurt. So when thoughts of that cranky friend arise, grab your journal and read through all of the awesome things your friends have said to you or done with you. Choose your happiness by refusing to talk with others about that one troublemaker friend. Choose your happiness. It's as simple as that!

Here's an analogy: what if you invited a neighbor over to see your beautiful garden, with tons of lovely roses and a trellis, a new solar fountain, and lots of butterflies and birds fluttering around. It's gorgeous! But your neighbor just scowls and points out the one little weed that's poking up out of the mulch. Her inability to see beauty, and her magnetism towards the one flaw in that scene says a lot about her, right? She's someone who is Happiness-Resistant, and you'd think, 'wow, she has issues,' as she's going back home to make her family miserable. Now, if you do the same thing with your wedding, focusing on that one tiny weed in your 'garden', wouldn't that mean you're Happiness-Resistant?

So when someone zings you with an insult or a non-response, just think about that weed and reduce your disappointment to something you can pluck out and throw into a compost bin, not lay around and dwell on to the point where you hate your own garden! You're creating something beautiful. If someone else can't see that, they have some issues to work on.

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Up until now, I've written all of my blog posts to you, the bride, helping you sidestep common wedding nightmares and people problems as you plan your dream wedding, wanting a minimum of stress.

But we all know you're not alone in this.

Other people around you have to do their part, too, to compromise, keep things in perspective, and return to Planning in Peace. So this column is for their eyes.

Moms, you're a part of the inner circle, so this means you. [And yes, I'll be speaking directly to bridesmaids, the groom, and others soon, so don't think I'm singling you out!]

Moms, I know you don't like it when people say this to you, but it's not your Big Day. You may have wonderful ideas that you think the bride and groom would love, that would reflect well on your family and bring your cultural and religious values to the forefront, but there is no idea of yours that is bigger or more important than the ideas the wedding couple want for their wedding day. It would be a colossal injury to your relationship with the bride and groom for you to force your wishes on them, dangling the fact that you're paying for part of the wedding as a weapon, and -- I say this to protect your future -- some steamroller Moms may Win in getting their wishes inserted into the day, but that leads to a lifetime of Loss when you fall in your daughter's or son's esteem, earning only a protective distance between yourself and them. That's what happens when Moms lose control.

"I'll never forgive her for changing things on the menu without checking with us first."

"My husband is appalled at how she acted during the wedding plans, and she can't put on the nice act with him anymore."

Ouch! These are harsh words, words that come right from my readership. I'd share more stories with you, but most of them are filled with expletives and a palpable sense of pain. Their mothers vastly hurt them.

It's not about the things on the menu. It's the fact that a mother would put her wishes above her child's. That's the betrayal.

You might not think you're doing anything wrong by pushing for some changes or additions. You might not even realize you're starting a competitive war with the groom's mother. Most moms don't realize the depths they're sinking to. But the wedding couple. They see it. The in-laws see it. The guests see it.

So Moms, I tell you this with great love...it's okay to suggest ideas, but never okay to push them into the plans. If the couple seems hesitant, or even if they say Yes now in knee-jerk reaction but then change their minds later, about your suggestions, please, please, please don't take their rejection of your idea as a rejection of you. Just be agreeable, allow them to plan their day, and look past the wedding itself to the much more important celebration: a lifetime of keeping a close, loving relationship with your son or daughter and his or her family.

Next post: the one thing you should never say.

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Parents are going to have some disappointment as well, since they counted on their ideas being incorporated into the day. But you know what? Now, the day gets back to being what you wanted!

Maybe you said yes to his mother's plan for gold chargers on the tables, since she was pouting and being all guilt-trippy. Now, with a good reason to scale back, her gold chargers get off the table, and you get the tabletop design you wanted.

When you explain the money scenario to parents, they most often understand and - sensing your disappointment - allow you to cut from their idea list without hassle.

Smooth this process by suggesting they use their great ideas at a party of their own in the future.

When working with your groom, as well as with your entire wedding planning team, you can experience a tremendous advantage -- and prevent wedding stress -- by using techno-tools to help you keep organized, connect with your vendors, once again contact that bridesmaid who hasn't paid her dress deposit, and instantly GPS the location of that great flower shop you chanced upon.

Wedding couples have been using technology in various ways, but now there are even MORE ways to cut your stress, plan more efficiently, track down texts between you and a vendor to clear up miscommunication and prevent having to pay a deposit again [a common wedding nightmare.]

I'm loving my new Nokia 7205 Intrigue phone, and I know you're going to want a chance to win not just one, but TWO fabulous new phones...that you can use to call *everyone* from your FREE honeymoon that you've won from Nokia! We have a new contest just for you -- and also for your marrieds, parents, bridal party and everyone else you know -- at www.techsavvybride.com.

Here are some of my top tips for how planning with technology can cut your wedding planning stress:

Wedding Planning Tips

• Share Updates: Allow long-distance friends and relatives to get in on the fun wedding details by posting quick and easy updates to Twitter or Facebook right from your mobile phone.
• Stay Organized: Organization is key to saving money and limiting wedding stress! Your phone can be your ultimate wedding organizer. For example, with the Nokia 7205 Intrigue, available at Verizon Wireless, you can lose the big, heavy wedding binder and access all of your important phone numbers, calendar and images of your dress, your venue and your dream flowers in one light device.
• Map it Out: Use free online mapping sites such www.weddingmapper.com to create your wedding map. This handy tool allows you to create a personalized map of your ceremony, reception, hotels, etc for out of town guests.
• Create your Virtual You to Save Time: Build a virtual model of yourself online at My Virtual Model (MVM.com) to try on your outfits for every bridal occasion. Invite your wedding party including bridesmaids and mother of the bride to do the same. Doing it all online instead of traveling to stores saves time and budget.
• Streamline Your Guest List: Skip the traditional reply cards and invite your guests to R.S.V.P. online through your personal wedding web site. Your guest list will be easy to manage and you can check for updates anytime from your mobile device or at home!

Technology saving you this much time and keeping you organized is sure to make your wedding planning process smoother -- and couples say they love planning together using their cell phones and the websites and podcasts they can access while on the move.

Speaking of podcasts, my new episode of 'Here Come the Moms' just launched at www.weddingpodcastnetwork, so check it out. And get ready to get lucky when you enter the Nokia 7205 Intrigue contest! 

Don't you just hate them?! The nerve! Taking your great idea and running to everyone they know, claiming the idea is theirs, and by the time you find out about it, everyone has heard them tell the tale of how they came up with the idea. They're all but crowned with a tiara. Red carpets roll out for them. They stole your thunder.

It's awful when this kind of thing happens at work. And it happens all the time. It just happened here on Planning in Peace, with another wedding industry blogger pretty much lifting the March 16th entry, but doing so in such a sly manner that there's not a whole lot I can do about it (other than comfort myself with 'Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.') So what can you do about the creatively-bankrupt, morally-void, integrity-free people who steal your wedding ideas and claim them as their own?

It takes two simple movements: shake your head from side to side in the international sign for 'I pity you.'

Your family and friends know the idea was yours first, and they know exactly where you got your inspiration. If Cousin Stella is running around acting superior about the blini station at her brunch wedding [an idea she got from you,] you have two choices. One steals your peace [fighting her on it] and one returns your peace [ignoring her.]

But how can I ignore her when we have a lot of the same guests, who are all going to think *I* copied *her?*

In my experience, it might seem gratifying to approach her and demand that she choose a diffferent station, but that rarely works. Diabolical people love seeing you lose your cool. Same-Idea-Stella might put on that faux empathy face and assure you that she'll change her plan...and then there's that blini station at her wedding. You spend her whole wedding -- which she planned for a month before yours even though you were engaged first -- fuming. Which is precisely what that hollow shell of a cousin wanted.

Now here's a better idea. Deprive her of the satisfaction. Resist the urge to zing her in front of others with 'I'm so glad you liked my idea for the blini station.' That just makes YOU look petty. Just ignore it for now, and make plans to dial up your own blini station to level 9.9. While Stella has a few basic blini and mid-shelf caviar, you tell your caterer that you have an Emulator. They've heard this a million times and (pardon the very weak pun here) they relish the opportunity to raise the Blini Bar to a new level. Yours is going to render hers unforgettable.

Are we being petty here? Maybe just a little. But when you consider the different tactic you could take, working with a caterer to design a new and improved presentation of the blini bar is actually quite fun, and you get cheered by 1. The knowledge that you have the power to have a new and improved blini bar that everyone will love, and 2. you didn't sink down into a fight with Soulless Stella. No one wants drama -- except her -- so you just gracefull dance around her call for competition by ignoring her Copycat move and taking your blini in a different direction. Stella Sweetheart just did you a big favor. Tweaked plans often turn out far better than what you originally planned. Thanks, S!

And if Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery, you can sleep well at night knowing that people wouldn't imitate you if you weren't excelling it, if your ideas weren't brilliant and inspired. You're in that top 1% of brilliant brides planning amazing, creative things for your big day. Those who feel inferior are of course going to try to tap into your awesomeness.

Share your stories here -- even ones you've heard -- about the worst copycat offenders in wedding world.

With so much wedding stress swirling, making it difficult for everyone in your wedding circle to perform at their best, it's ultra-important for you to inspire as much laughter and fun into your relationships as possible.

Especially now, with the economy so low and everyone hurting or worried.

So see a funny movie, go to a comedy club, or pick up a book that gets you all playing and laughing together. I wrote my newest book Love Bets with just this goal in mind. The concept is this: you make bets on everything from who's going to win the Oscar this Sunday to the outcome of a pro basketball game, who the Bachelor is going to pick, who's getting cut from American Idol, which friend will be the next to call on your cell, anything you can think of. And then you set a fun wager to see what the loser gives the winner.

How fun would it be to win a cupcake from your favorite bakery? Or to have your honey wash your car for you...shirtless? Or have one of your bridesmaids change her Facebook photo to a picture that YOU choose. The wager can be an inexpensive treat, something silly, or something that reminds you of your pre-engaged days, like trying a trendy new drink at the club you used to go to when you all were single.

The wagers are all about playing, laughing and having fun together. And even though the book is geared toward couples, you CAN use it with your friends. They'll be glad to have YOU back again, not You As the Bride. Your groom gets to see your fun-loving side again, not you stressing about the flower crop in Ecuador or tablecloth fabrics.

It's His Day Too.

Even if you have the sweetest groom in the world, one who says, "It's HER day" to all who ask, the truth is that your wedding day is equally important to your groom.

Grooms tell me they feel very frustrated when they feel their ideas are not being heard nor respected by their brides, the parents, even the vendors...and their frustrations only grow when they have no 'safe way' to express how they feel. "Face it, I'm not gonna call my guy friends and complain because my bride is making all the decisions about the menu."

And no groom of any quality is going to complain to his mother about you calling all the shots.

So make it a rule that the old 'It's MY day' expectation goes out the window. 'Fire' yourself as the boss of the day, and accept that you share the top spot with your groom. If you've had a tight hold of the reins so far, now's the time for you to show your character, apologize to your groom, and let him know the coast is clear for all of his wedding plan suggestions.

It's never too late to extend your hand in equality to your groom.

When you get to this realization, this knowing that you're both co-creators of this special day and all the days after it, you join the ranks of those women who give their marriages a better chance at succeeding. You become someone who's happily married.

All of those brides who hold onto the reins, even going so far as to say to friends and relatives, "Oh, he doesn't know what he's doing" about a groom who (horror!) is within earshot, humilated....let's just say they have dark days ahead.

Share your stories here. How did you invite your groom to jump into the wedding plans? Did you apologize for being too bossy in the past? Grooms, how long did it take for you to feel safe in making suggestions?

Tag your wedding planning sessions to something fun, and you'll be surprised at how uplifted and enthusiastic your groom will be.

Grooms say they like a routine, some structure, the complete absence of feeling ambushed when you want to discuss the wedding and they're not in the same mindframe you are. Surprise! I poured some wine, and now we're going to do the guest list! might just get you one of those resigned sighs you hate from him. Simply put: no one wants to be pushed into a big project when they're not feeling up to it.

So here's your solution: talk with your groom about your wish to create a routine for brief planning sessions [TELL him what 'brief' means to you..."20 minutes" or "a half hour"...guys say they want to know what you expect so they can more easily commit to what you want from them], and share my idea: "I read on Sharon Naylor's blog that the new trend is tagging wedding planning sessions to the TV shows we watch regularly."

No, you're not building the guest list while trying to follow the intricate plot twists and turns of Lost. You have to pick the right programming. Let's look at the NBC Thursday-night lineup. "We'll watch My Name is Earl, TiVo Kath and Kim while we work on the wedding plans, and then watch The Office!" Maybe you'll even want to do 'Wedding Plans, Part Deux' after The Office.

Your guy knows planning time is limited, you're both in lifted moods from all the laughing you've been doing all night, tasks get done efficiently, maybe you make popcorn or hot cocoa or pour wine for your TV night, and it all turns into a fabulous routine that works for both of you. It's something to think about, and perhaps try on Thursday nights (or whichever night your must-see TV is on!).

Let us know how this plan works for you! Leave us a comment below...

Welcome to Planning in Peace! As the author of many bestselling wedding books, I've been honored to work with iVillage on this blog and at my Q&A message board, both of which I invite you to explore as you get ready to dive into wedding-planning world. With so much excitement ahead of you, I can assure you that even if you and your groom will take on the majority of the planning and payment for the wedding, you're still going to work with and deal with all of the people around you (including your vendors) and if you're like most brides, you'll be on the receiving end of a lot of 'suggestions' and perhaps some pressure and stress when your friends and loved ones speak up...or take a looong time returning your e-mails.

One of the most stressful things that may come to you in the upcoming months is a sense of disappointment that people aren't acting the way you'd like them to. While most of your friends are thrilled to pop a champagne cork in your honor, there might be that one who rolls her eyes and seems to resent your relationship success. While you may have expected your mom to be enthusiastic about the wedding plans, maybe she's being a little too quiet about them. It's at this point that a lot of brides freak out, get hurt, and nurse a big load of resentment that colors the rest of the wedding planning season a very unflattering color.

I could tell you not to worry about what some people do, but we all know those envious or uninvolved friends and family are going to take up space in your mind. So here's one little rescue for you...

Don't jump to conclusions.

You don't know why someone isn't reacting the way you'd like them to. Even if you ask directly, you might not get a straight answer. I've spoken with the so-called Quiet Mom, and you may be surprised to know that they say they're being quiet because they don't want to be That Mom who becomes bossy and controlling., They're trying to stay in control, so they think it's best to just zip it and wait for the bride to tell them what to do. Quiet, for them, doesn't mean disinterest. It's just how they chose to prevent a problem. It didn't work, because they went too far in the opposite direction, but I use them as an example of 'you can't read minds.' As for that envious bridesmaid or sister, she may be an easy read or she's having a tough time at work, in school, in her own relationship, with money, with her health, with her kids....you never know.

So if someone isn't acting the way you'd like, just offer your support, check in with that person to talk about non-wedding stuff before you get to any wedding business, and make sure you're spending more time with your cork-popping friends and family so that your enthusiasm doesn't dry up.

And don't give in to the #1 enemy of Planning in Peace: gossip. More on that poison in an upcoming blog post...

Do you have questions for me? Post them on my message board, and you'll get not only my advice but the wisdom and warnings of our terrific iVillage Weddings community.

If you're getting suggestions from moms, bridesmaids, vendors and the groom, it can feel like everyone's pushing their ideas on you and trying to take over your reception. You become the Gatekeeper, trying to protect your own vision of how you'd like your wedding to be. And that can be very stressful.

You know they're just trying to help. You know they want your day to be beautiful. But even too much of a GOOD thing can be oppressive. So you're in the delicate position of having to say No, which can be really tough when parents are being super-generous with your wedding funds, bridesmaids have been there for you every step of the way, and vendors are throwing in freebies and doing all kinds of extra work to make you happy.

Here's the good news: not every suggestion has to be targeted toward the reception. Even if moms and friends and experts initially suggest their ideas for your cocktail party and reception hours, you can re-direct them toward other wedding weekend, pre-, or post-wedding events! So you might not have to say No to that idea about organic chocolates as favors...they can just be re-routed as the favors for the engagement party. Not liking the idea of all-white tablecloths for your reception ballroom? That could be perfect for the bridal breakfast on the morning after the wedding. Mom's dream of an all-white decor scheme could be put to great effect at that gathering instead. The groom wants slow jazz and you want more upbeat music at the reception? Suggest that your after-party have a jazz soundtrack.

Make a list of all of the pre- and post-wedding events you have in mind, so that you can show your helpful team all of the other events where their great ideas can be used. Your list might look like this:

* Engagement party

* Bridal shower hosted by bridal party in mom's hometown

* Bridal shower hosted by bridal party in MIL's hometown

* Bridesmaids' thank-you luncheon and spa day

* Welcome cocktail party as guests arrive for the wedding weekend

* Wedding weekend daytime events, such as a barbecue at your parents' house the day before the wedding

* Rehearsal dinner for bridal party and parents

* Cocktail party after the rehearsal dinner for all out-of-town guests

* Wedding morning beauty salon visit with your bridesmaids and the moms (champagne and berries, anyone?)

* Wedding morning breakfast

* Wedding celebration: cocktail party, dinner, and desserts

* After-party in your hotel suite

* After-party at the parents' houses, where they invite all of their friends and relatives while you and your group party elsewhere

* Wedding morning breakfast

* Day after the wedding barbecue or lunch for guests who stick around

* A small gathering of friends and family when you return from your honeymoon; everyone looks at pictures and video from the big day and enjoys a theme menu of cultural foods or desserts and great wines

Don't forget that some of your own ideas can be shifted off into some of these events, if your groom isn't enthusiastic about them. It helps a LOT when moms and bridesmaids and your groom learn that you're an equal-opportunity 'shifter,' willing to move your own ideas into other parties. You're being fair, and that goes a long way to Planning in Peace with your family and friends.

Copy this list or create a spreadsheet where you can record all of the fun suggestions made by others, and note whose ideas were whose, as an organizing tool and a fun keepsake. Years down the road when some details start to fade, you'll get a smile out of seeing that the curly bamboo good-luck centerpieces your sister suggested were the hit of the wedding breakfast.

No doubt about it...this is a rough time to be planning a wedding. Your or your parents' financial situation may have taken a bit of a hit these past few months as the stock market struggles, the credit crunch gets crunchier, and everyone's worrying about money. The idea of spending $20,000 for a wedding -- or $5,000 for a gown, or $3,000 for a honeymoon -- is definitely a stressful issue right now.

In fact, some people are postponing their weddings for a year or two so that they can save up more money and have the big, formal wedding of their dreams.

If postponement is not for you, now might be a good time to sit down with each other, or with your parents if they are paying, to go over the elements of your wedding day that still need to be planned and booked. Those might be invitations, favors, desserts, or if you're really early in your planning season, it might be everything.

I've found that it cuts down stress for both you and your parents when you admit, "Okay, we have to make some changes to fit our budget, since times are tough." Parents don't want to let you down. They want to give you the day of your dreams. So when you propose this money summit, everyone's bound to be relieved that you're willing to make some changes.

Now by changes, I don't always mean eliminations!

Changes might be finding a less expensive resource for your gown, such as a salon trunk sale rather than paying retail at the shop. You might get that gown for 70% less! Changes might mean planning combination platters for your sit-down dinner, plates of salmon and some beef medallions instead of giving guests their choices of three different entrees (thereby forcing the chef to buy enough of *each* to feed guests who may change their minds about what they want to eat.) The combination platter can save you 40%.

Right now, you can keep your entire wedding dream when you seek out ways to get each of your wedding elements for less. I wrote 1000 Best Wedding Bargains to share with you the top ways to get the best of the best for your wedding without paying top prices.

As I begin a new series on Money and Your Wedding, I thought I'd start you off with a book that removes your worry, and helps you turn bargain-hunting into a fun game when you find those gorgeous invitations for 40% off (that would be at www.invitations4sale.com) or your perfect tiara for $15 on www.Ebay.com, or for free when you borrow a friend's wedding tiara and attach a veil via hair comb right behind it. That's a $300 look for under $10.

Rather than fear money, or fear losing the wedding of your dreams, wouldn't you rather gather your planning team and put money-saving steps into action? Not only will you return to peace, you'll have a lot of fun when those bargains start popping up!

Your parents expect that the groom's parents will pay for the bar tab at the reception, since that's The Way It's Done. Your groom's parents expect that they will get to host the rehearsal dinner, since that's The Way It's Done. And everyone's mad at you, because you have different plans in mind.

The clash between Old World, traditional etiquette and today's new, modern, freer etiquette rules -- that take into account more couples planning and paying for most if not all of their wedding, leaving parents wondering where they fit in -- causes a ton of stress for wedding couples. Everyone's making assumptions, and everyone's pressuring you to do it their way. And pretty soon, your side of the family and his side of the family aren't liking each other too much.

Here's where you can find out the answers to your own, personal etiquette misunderstandings, so that you can tell parents The Way It WILL Be Done, and still keep everyone at peace: come to my Ask the Wedding Etiquette Expert message board, and get my expert take on your scenario, as well as hear from other supportive members of the wedding community. I'll help you define your etiquette rules and talk to your parents and others diplomatically, so that everyone gets back to the big picture: making sure your wedding day goes the way you want it!

I can't emphasize it more: getting a massage will do wonders for your stress level right now!

I signed on for monthly massages at www.massageenvy.com a year before my wedding, and this chain of massage boutiques that requires you to join (like a gym) allows you to get a monthly massage *anywhere* they have a store. So that means you can pop into the massage boutique when you're on a weekend trip to visit with your groom's family! Even a half-hour foot massage is going to transport you out of the whirling thoughts of your own mind, and you get a boost knowing you're keeping your commitment to 'take care of you.'

I was on the massage table today, with the lights down low, candles flickering, relaxing Native American flute music playing, and it took a good ten minutes for my mind to quiet down, but when it did...I was blissful! If you're new to massages, keep that in mind...it's going to take a short while for your mind to get quiet. It's like putting a hyper toddler down for a nap. The wind-down process takes a little while to sink in. The same is true with your mind and all of the To-Do's you're keeping track of, the conversations you're replaying in your mind, the feeling that you have to get more done at the office.

But trust me...when you commit a part of your wedding budget to monthly massages, you'll make the entire process far easier for yourself. You can check out the massage boutique I mentioned here, or see if your gym has a massage specialist. Many beauty salons have massage treatments as well. Why not just have your groom do it? That's a great idea for nightly foot massages and backrubs, but I've found it easier to let go of emotional stuff when it's a pro working on me. I'm not looking at my now-husband, thinking, "After this, we have to put out the recycling."

Few things cause as much wedding stress as worrying about whether or not you'll fit into your dress. If you haven't lost the weight you wanted to lose by now, you might be scared that the dress isn't going to zip up at your first fitting.... With your busy life, you might not have been able to drop those 10 pounds, and you're smart enough not to crash diet.

I have a solution that's going to make you feel SO much better.

Your gown seamstress or a great tailor can create a corset lace-up back that gives you an extra 2-3 inches, and it looks incredible. I did this with the bridesmaid dress for my brother's wedding. The zipper actually broke on mine, so I ran over to a tailor and asked for a corset back. I spent $3 on a beautiful length of fabric braiding, and he masterfully created a beautiful new back for my dress. Right now, I have NO stress about my own wedding gown, and I haven't lost the 10 pounds I wanted to lose before my first fitting. If it doesn't zip up well, I'm getting the corset back put in. No worries at all, and I know my groom loves the corset look.

If your gown is tight or doesn't zip up over your back comfortably, you now have an option to discuss with your seamstress or tailor to choose the right corset design and braiding for you. Consider it a chance to customize your gown, and you'll feel even better about it!

Over on my Ask the Wedding Etiquette Expert message board, I just answered a question from a bride who was worried about a guest of hers misbehaving at the wedding.

We all have that guest, or guests, who we worry might get drunk, say rude things, act obnoxious and generally steal the spotlight from us. (I have one or two of those myself!). And this can be the Wedding Nightmare we fear the most. So much planning has gone into the day, what if our ArchEnemy is successful in ruining it?

Check out my response to this bride for the #1 Return to Peace: other people have your back.

Asking a mean-spirited person to behave well at your wedding often just fuels the fire. They can be happy that they have you nervous (evil, isn't it?). And there's also the clueless person who doesn't realize that being drunk and loud is improper at a formal wedding. She thinks everything is a keg party. Whatever your brand of trouble-maker, you can apply the insights on the board to feel better. You can't worry about what people MIGHT do. You have no control over that. But you can breathe easier now knowing that you can take smart steps to remove the problem IF that person misbehaves. There's no reason to fear when you have a plan.

So again, make the choice to focus on all of the guests you're looking forward to seeing, to dancing with, to hugging, to introducing to your new husband and his family. Those are the real gems in your life. That's a far better thing to think about every day.

And in my longtime experience as a wedding expert, brides who rose above any guests' misbehavior and *didn't* start crying or arguing with that guest, were seen as gracious and admirable by all the other guests. They were proud of themselves, their grooms were proud of them, the in-laws were proud of them, and so that misbehaving guest made the bride look EVEN BETTER by giving her a chance to show off her ability to take the high road. Something to think about...

As the bride, everything you do is going to be under observation. Everyone's going to have a comment about the plans you make, the flowers you choose, the site you want, the dress you will wear.

Some of these comments will be excited praise, such as "That gown is gorgeous! You're going to look so beautiful!" And some -- made looking at the very same dress! -- might be more along the lines of, "That's a pretty dress, but don't you think it's a little too summery for your fall wedding?" The speaker may just be trying to help, or they may be trying to burst your bubble a bit. But let's forget about analyzing your friends and family for right now. The big question is...which comment are you going to focus on?

When you focus on anything, you magnify it in your mind. So are you going to magnify the compliment, really soaking it in and beaming? Yes, I am going to look beautiful! Or are you going to laser-focus on that one critique, making it bigger and bigger and bigger, so that it drags you down and you ignore all the great compliments you received from the ten people who praised your choice?

I've always said that the negative things in life are louder. And when you magnify the one critique, that makes it bigger and louder.

So promise yourself that you're not going to magnify the critiques, but you'll magnify the compliments by writing them down in a journal, repeating them to yourself, sharing those compliments with your groom...

It might take some practice, but you can minimize the critiques by magnifying even the smallest compliments so that they lift you up. That's where you'll find peace within your planning. You do have the power to choose what you'll let in and what you'll block out.

You've been nice. You've invited the mothers to help with the wedding plans. You've added a few things to the ceremony to make one of the moms happy. You said okay to a few extra guests of theirs....and they take it one step too far. It might be a song added to your playlist, a change made to your menu...it might not even have anything to do with the wedding, such as claiming your summer vacation for a family getaway that his parents have already booked ["Surprise!"]. Whatever the form, someone has taken advantage of your nice demeanor and generosity. You didn't ask to have your boundaries trampled. You didn't ask to be in this position, and it's especially bad when the groom has spent a few weeks keeping that summer vacation grab a secret from you. NO parent should ever put a bride or groom in that position....EVER.

So where does this leave you? You can't turn back time and un-do the inconsiderate, grabby thing a parent said or did. So how do you handle it from here? Actions speak louder than words. Now, with the next few 'requests' they put in while they still think you're clueless, you respond with, "No, that doesn't fit in with the plans that (groom) and I have discussed. But thanks for suggesting it." Just don't give in to their requests so easily anymore....they're establishing a dominance pattern over you, so you have to take a few firm stands to keep your plans as you want them. They need to hear a simple and polite No sometimes, which is far healthier for you to say now, rather than stew over how you 'gave in' or stress out your fiance while you take out your frustration on him. [Yes, he should have had your back, but haven't we all been blindsided and then found it too late or too awkward to say something?]

Bottom line: you're not going to be 'trained' to go along with everything a parent wants. They may be struggling with such a big change right now, but change is good. For everyone. So say No with a smile when they've gone too far. They'll learn in good time that you will not be bossed around. But you don't have to be aggressive about it.

One of the biggest stressors in wedding planning is having to depend on so many different people to answer your calls or deliver a service, send a deposit check or show up on time. If you're one of those super-reliable people who's always on time, if not early, you're really going to feel this one. And it can be *very* draining to feel like you're always waiting for people to follow through.

Some brides and grooms are so organized that they feel their bridal party is late even when there are still three days before the deadline they enforced.

You don't do anything about people's sense of timing. We all have friends who are always late for dinner, or always show up five minutes before the movie starts. That's just their rhythm, the clock they operate by.

So the best thing that you can do is change your tactic...add a few days of cushion time to what you need from each person. For instance, the groomsmen can get a deadline date of two weeks sooner than you need their size cards. The bridesmaids get a deadline date of two weeks earlier. When you build in some delay time, it keeps you from freaking out about late people. This cushion time is for your sense of peace.

I keep a calendar with cushion deadlines written in red and actual deadlines written in black. My bridal party is scattered all over the country, and everyone operates on their own timing. One of my bridesmaids has 4 kids and homeschools them, and she's always the first to respond. Another bridesmaid is a teacher, and she takes a while to get back to me. I love her to pieces, and it doesn't stress me at all....I know she'll come through. My groom is more laid-back than I am, so he's been getting some cushioned requests, just because I don't want to stress either of us out with a 'time's a wastin'' mentality. It all gives me a valley of harmony...and I'd love for you to experience the same stress relief!

What are your stories of bridal parties, grooms and parents with different timing than your own? And did you realize that maybe it's best if *you* get a little more laid back about your requests? Share your stories in Comments. I'd love to read them!

Over on my Ask The Wedding Etiquette Expert message board, we've been discussing wonderful ways to invite your friends, sisters and cousins to be bridesmaids. From presenting them with roses, jewelry for the wedding day, a surprise champagne toast, and dinner, this invitation starts your planning process off in a very special way.

Now the key to keeping that special feeling so that you all share a peaceful planning process is making sure you regularly show appreciation for your bridesmaids' work in helping to create your special day. So on a regular basis, send out pretty thank you e-cards or print cards no matter how small their contributions of ideas or suggestions of vendors. Appreciation is the key to maintaining a peaceful planning group.

If you need to say No to a thoughtful suggestion -- which many brides say can be overwhelming when everyone wants to help so much -- is to respond right away with a 'thanks for offering, but I found my favors last week!' And then follow that up with a suggestion that the great idea be used for the wedding breakfast or another element of the day. "Everyone will love your great idea!" will make your bridesmaid beam.

Key #2 is not to get too far ahead. You don't need to start peppering them with your wishes for their open-toed shoes a year in advance. Stick to the tasks at hand right now.

Key #3 is to share the credit. Bridesmaids LOVE it when you include their helpfulness, creativity and input on your wedding blog or personal wedding website or talk highly about them to friends and family.

Key #4 is to use good etiquette by letting them know exactly what their roles are, and what will *not* be expected of them, such as paying for their own lodging or throwing a bachelorette party if you don't want one. Bridesmaids love having the relief of knowing they won't have to spend a fortune.

And Key #5 is to let them know they can call you any time with questions or if they need help with anything. When you show at Minute One that you're going to be a Dream Bride, your entire group is far more likely to be a harmonious planning circle all the way through.

You've probably heard that meditation is a great technique for achieving inner peace, but it can be hard to sit still, quiet your mind, and 'notice thoughts that arise, but just let them gently float away.' As a busy bride, you might find that impossible! I'm 5 months away from my own wedding, and there's no way that I'm going to be able to 'notice thoughts and let them gently float away.' Not with this To-Do list! If you've tried meditation in the past and found it to be more frustrating than freeing, it's time for you to try again! You just have to find the right method that works for you.

Sitting on a cushion for 20 minutes and trying to clear your mind might not be your style. You might prefer walking meditation, in which you go for a walk and just notice all the nature details around you, listen to the birds singing, hear children playing, even listen to the snow falling during a late-night walk when all is quiet. That might be your answer.

I call it meditation when my fiance and I are snuggled on the couch watching television. Our breathing gets in synch, and I can feel the tension 'gently floating away.' It works every time and is way more likely to become part of my evening ritual than sitting quietly on a pillow and counting each breath.

Explore the many options for meditation, including visiting this article for a great foundation in understanding what you can accomplish, the best timing for your meditation practice, how much time each session should last, and more.

It can be really difficult to start a meditation practice when you're hectic and frazzled, but give yourself a few tries. It's so worth it, and can make you a happier, more peaceful bride.

It's a mistake that we all make at some point during the wedding planning phase...maybe at a lot of points. You've just finished picking out the music for your ceremony, and before you're done writing down 'Pachelbel's Canon in D,' you're already clicking on sample wedding vows. You've hardly completed one task and your mindset is WHAT'S NEXT?

You didn't even take a moment to sit back and breathe in the immense pleasure of finalizing the decisions you just made together.

Brides tell me, "But I had my groom's attention! He was sitting right there, all focused and enthusiastic about the ceremony music, so I figured we'd just move right into the vows!" What happened there is that you rushed right into What's Next. And that probably caused your groom to sigh, get edgy, and maybe even say something about your never being satisfied. Ouch! The worst thing is, rushing into What's Next *is* a sign that you weren't satisfied with getting the music selected. You didn't mean to blow through it. But your excitement got the best of you, and the dreamy moment of music selection led to tension.

That's what's alway going to happen when your mindset is 'What's Next?'

So let's establish a new practice for peaceful planning: when you complete a wedding task, take 24 hours to soak it in. Forget about What's Next and focus on What Is. You just completed the soundtrack for your ceremony -- that's something to absorb, to imagine, to enjoy, to celebrate over a great dinner. Soak in the satisfaction of a team effort, or else *you* become the dreaded Unpleasable person I wrote about in a previous blog (and we know you don't want to be THAT bride!)

Think about how annoying it is when your family isn't even done with Thanksgiving dinner, and someone's already claiming Christmas or Hannukah at their house. They've rushed ahead, and they filled everyone in the room with tension...and dread. And resentment. Geez, can't you just enjoy today? THAT's what we're going to prevent with your wedding plans when you establish the 24-hour satisfaction period for each task you complete.

Give it a try and see the difference. An added benefit: Your groom will be far more willing to join you on wedding tasks when he isn't feeling dragged into the next four things on your list.

Don't knock yourself out trying to make everything perfect, hoping that this will be the one time that your critical mother or sister or in-law will have nothing negative to say. It's not going to happen. If someone in your circle is an Unpleasable, they're going to have a biting comment about something so out of left field, it can astound you. They can be pretty creative, too. If you clean your house to a shine for the rehearsal dinner, exhausting yourself, there she'll be running her finger over the top of a picture frame just looking for dust. If your award-winning chocolate cake is on the table, there's your sister with a comment that the frosting is a little thin on that side.

I just read in a terrific magazine article that 'complaining is a way of bragging,' and that really made an impact on me. Someone who complains about your cooking or your wedding choices is really saying, "I could do this better." But you know what? They can't, and that's why they feel compelled to point out what your flaws are.

Once you realize that the Unpleasables are really just insecure, you can let go of the maddening tap dance to make them happy, drop the wish that this time they'll have nothing bad to say and that maybe they'll have (gasp!) a compliment for you, you'll be so much happier because you won't feel the need to try so hard. You can lose the pressure and tension, and just go about setting up your wedding plans or cooking your marble pound cake, enjoying it more because you have no fear of insults.

It's a tough habit to break, wanting to please people. But once you get a little bit of practice, you'll get to the point where that zinger, that out of left field insult or critique, will make you smile. It is, after all, a compliment. You're doing everything wonderfully.

Over on the Ask the Wedding Etiquette Expert message board, we've discussed some pretty heinous bridesmaid behavior, along with heinous friend behavior and rude relatives. Sometimes, the infraction is so severe -- like a bridesmaid confessing love for the groom! -- that you won't want her in your life anymore...let alone the bridal party.

Firing her is easy. You just say, "After that outburst, I realize that you just don't have my happiness in mind, so I'm going to have to remove you from the bridal party." You could be all class and offer to pay for her bridesmaid dress and other expenses [it's good karma], or you could just cut ties with one well-written e-mail. She'll cause a big drama and lots of gossip, but it's far more dangerous to your peace to keep this toxic friend in your life.

Sometimes, an added gift of your wedding is removing the people who show more obviously than ever that they don't care about you or anyone else.

But it still hurts...

You have a history with this person, and in the past, it might have been a great history. This is a friend that you loved for many years, who may have been super-supportive of you during tough times...but she's changed. And you're going to grieve the loss of the friend you used to know. When your anger subsides, you're going to be quite sad about the fact that you lost that person a while ago. The person you knew and loved couldn't possibly do such hurtful things to you now. People change and move in different directions, and the glue of a past friendship can wear away. And of course you'll be sad about losing your old friend. What falls away is the value you held of that relationship the way you remember it.

So allow yourself to grieve. Write it out in a journal and give yourself time. Don't stay mad forever...the stages of grief will move you through anger and sadness and denial and back to sadness. It's a long road that *many* brides and grooms experience during their wedding planning time. In any time of great change, some things are lost. That's the nature of change. So this lost friendship is an essential fall-away, and you'll soon find that your feelings of sadness are replaced by a deep sense of being proud of yourself for not accepting the heinous treatment of anyone, that you love yourself enough to cut loose the damaging friendship and only welcome good people in your life.

You deserve better than what that person has chosen to become...

Grooms today are full planning partners in weddings, and as much as they value being involved with the plans, they don't want to talk about the wedding nonstop. And they definitely don't want to walk in from work after a long day, kick back to relax, and have you pounce with a long list of wedding tasks that have to be done NOW.

If you want your wedding planning process to be a peaceful one, and to really enjoy co-planning with your fiance, you'll need to rein in your enthusiasm and remember that Timing is Everything.

Grooms say they're more than happy to talk about the wedding, but they can't just mentally switch gears into planning mode. They appreciate some advance notice, and especially a request of "How about we spend a little bit of time after dinner to work on the invitations?" Grooms who write me say they're going to respond better to:

1. Advance notice
2. Knowing *exactly* what you want to talk about. They get nervous when you say "let's talk about the wedding." They'd rather get the topic of the evening, preferably one topic.
3. The right to say No, without you pouting or taking it personally.

This last one is a big one, since grooms *want* you to enjoy the wedding planning, but they love you too much to fake enthusiasm or give you a half-hearted effort. Sometimes, grooms say, they just can't focus.

So keep the peace by accepting that No, which is a very respectful and loving thing to do. You can always do the invitations tomorrow.

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