Talk directly to them. Don't put your groom in the middle to talk to his mom, or ask one bridesmaid to speak to another bridesmaid about her attitude and what you're assuming it means. When you play the childhood game of telephone, so much gets lost in translation. E-mailing gets things lost in translation!! So face down your fear of confrontation, put away those assumptions you have about why that person said what she did, or did what he did, and just ask what's up. Make it an in-person chat so that you can read the 80% of communication that's non-verbal, such as body language or a facial expression. If you're too far away to meet for coffee, the next best thing is a phone call.

Bridesmaids and moms say they're often stunned when they find out the bride was upset about something they said, and that the bride has been stewing over it (and talking to others about it) for weeks. If not months. Then they get offended that the bride didn't talk to them first. No matter how old you are, it's easy to fall into the assumption and misunderstanding hole and make all kinds of mistakes when you're too stressed and hectic to think clearly.

So make the call or set up the meeting in order to communicate clearly and directly while the issue is still small enough to solve and let go...returning you all to Planning in Peace!

Get even more ideas to avoid wedding mistakes here!

Ask your wedding vendors for printed, itemized lists of what you've ordered and when each element of your wedding day will roll out -- which is the new, more detailed method of calling each vendor to confirm that they're going to be there on time....a Must-Do we've always had slated for a few days before the wedding.

Now, to prevent any miscommunications that might have happened when you placed your order, when overseas shippers sent your flowers, when the caterer's team made your cake, and so on, the new methodology is to ask for the detailed order sheet to be scanned and e-mailed to you a week before the wedding [e-mail is usually more reliable than fax and keeps you more organized when you have a file to look back at.] 2 weeks prior is also great, giving vendors more time to order something that you've discovered isn't on your order list.

Don't freak out if there's a miscommunication about an order when it's something decor-related, and not an ultra-essential like your gown or the ring. Just keep your focus on the goal of fixing the problem with the wedding vendors so that you get to the point of saving your big day, rather than burning off ugly steam with being angry at whichever staff member didn;t write down your latest instructions.

For more solutions to people-problems, get the book here!

A quite bridesmaid doesn't always mean a jealous bridesmaid. This one really depends on your own personal level of self-confidence and how quickly you jump to negative conclusions [sorry, but that's the naked truth.]

If a friend takes three days to call you back, have you always assumed she was mad at you, and called again a few times to make sure everything was okay?

Is it your nature to worry about who's mad at you, or who you may be letting down by being distracted with your wedding?

We could label these habits all day, but what goes would over-analyzing do? The goal here is to keep you from causing ugly conflicts by making ugly assumptions, and misunderstanding a bridesmaid's lapse in getting back to you.

Sometimes, e-mail and cell phone carriers drop messages. Sometimes we flag important messages and the In Box just gets too loaded down. Sometimes we have notes on the bathroom mirror that flutter off when the shower steam gets the room too tropical.

Instead of driving yourself nuts about why bridesmaids aren't calling back on the same day, cut them a bit of a bigger break even though you're the bride under tremendous pressure. Give them deadlines of when you need to hear back from them, and it *is* okay to send a reminder e-mail about the task you need to get completed, not about whether or not she's mad at you! We're all blind to how often we can act like insecure 6th-graders, but now is not the time. Your bridesmaids love you; they're just busy with their own packed lives right now and will get back to you sometime after the beep!

For more solutions to other-people problems, get the book here!

If a parent or friend warns you against over-spending on the wedding, it doesn't automatically mean she thinks you're over-spending on your wedding, which your stressed-out mind might read as 'why are you trying to keep my wedding day small and unimpressive? Don't you think I deserve a gorgeous wedding day?' That's one of the biggest mistakes brides make -- taking things personally -- and nothing good ever comes from that.

Here's why people make a big deal over what things cost with weddings these days: it's everywhere on TV!! Never before have we seen so many wedding-themed TV shows and segments on The Today Show and Good Morning America, where viewers are voting online between the $5,000 wedding dress and the $7,500 wedding dress. Your mom has probably been shocked beyond all belief at how much wedding items cost, simply because she sees big numbers everywhere she looks! $3,000 on Cake Boss for a wedding cake? $9,000 on Say Yes to the Dress? Not to mention all of their friends talking about how much weddings costs these days, and how ridiculous it is to spend that kind of money on one day.

Don't take these questions to heart, and don't latch onto some imaginary idea that you don't deserve the wedding of your dreams. Everyone just has money on their minds right now. It's not personal.

Get the book here!

It's so easy to misunderstand something that someone says, especially when you're tired and overwhelmed like most brides are while planning their weddings. A great many conflicts are borne out of a blowing-out-of-proportion of something that someone says. Now, granted, there are people out there who get a kick out of making you lose your cool, but we're not talking about them right now. We're talking in this series about the innocent things that happen during the planning season that -- if you're not careful -- can cause rifts and blowups and bridesmaid firings, mom conflicts and all other manner of everything that's not Planning in Peace. So let's start the series with one of the major situations I'm sure you'll ID with right away: the friend who is always telling you what she did for her wedding.

"We had gold and yellow with our persimmon centerpieces, which looked so amazingly fall-like!" Aaaaand, you want to kill her. After a few of these interjections, you might start having Ally McBeal-type fantasies of smashing a pie in her face and screaming, "I don't care what colors you used, this is MY wedding!"

But here's the thing...she's not telling you to use gold and yellow flowers with your persimmon color scheme. She's not saying her plan is better than yours. That's probably what you heard, since you're rightfully sensitive to people telling you how to do each and every one of your plans. But it's not the case. She's just connecting with you. It's like an impulse, a residual excitement for you that lets her revisit her time of being the bride, and if you get any inspiration from her idea to mix in some gold, then she feels like she's being an amazing friend! There's no implied order-giving here, so don't jump to the wrong conclusion and make an ugly misunderstanding that's just going to get you labeled as a stressed-out bride.

Just say thanks, and tell her how beautiful her day was. Even for years afterward, it's nice to hear. :]

Get the book here!

Your bridesmaids want to make you happy. They want to know exactly what you want, when you want it, and how they can help.

Which is why I wrote The Bridesmaid Handbook:

Bridesmaids say they have one wish, though -- a wish that would make Planning in Peace a lot more realistic. They want you to understand that they can't always get right back to you in 10 minutes when you e-mail, text, IM or all of the above in a single lunch hour.

The Speed of Reply conflict has soured many a bride/bridesmaid relationship, so do yourself and all of your friendships a favor...adjust your expectations about how long it will take some of your bridesmaids to respond to you.

"Remember who I am!" says one bridesmaid. "When have I ever responded to you same-day?"

Good point.

Bridesmaids say they don't want you e-mailing them at work, since many office computers and phones are highly-monitored, and they can get fired for conducting personal business. A rush-rush bride can get her bridesmaid in hot water.

To be fair to you, you're excited and you know they're excited, and you mean no harm by e-blasting your messages and questions for hurry-up responses.

Just keep your Planning Peaceful by sending out messages to the home e-mail addresses your bridesmaids have said they check daily or several times a week, and give them plenty of time for a response. "If you can get back to me by Thursday, that's terrific! Thanks!" A great message to send when your deadline for that particular issue is Saturday.

Bridesmaids say they don't want you to misconstrue their slow responses for non-interest in your day, and they definitely don't want you thinking they're jealous. They just have five fewer hours in the day than they need -- just like you and everyone else -- and they're doing their best! They love you, and they want you to be happy.

But you already know that!

The most effective way to shake off wedding stress buildup and de-strain your relationships with your parents, bridal party members, your groom and your vendors as the wedding planning moves along is to take regular Gratitude Breaks.

Instead of focusing on how much planning you have to do, or the things that aren't going your way, parental 'requests' and bridesmaid complaints, focus on how much is going WELL. It's amazing how quickly we forget how awesome it was when we found the perfect site, or when we tried on the most gorgeous dress.

The bad stuff is louder.

So grab some paper or your journal and list out the many things you're grateful for...starting with the man you're marrying and the ways he shows you he loves you. Even when you're cranky. List out what your parents are making possible with their contributions, whatever they might be. List out the little favors and good wishes from others. The vendor who threw in a freebie. The happy note from your long-distance friends who are going to be able to come to the wedding.

It can sometimes take some effort to remind yourself that things are going well, which is what a Gratitude journal is for. So start taking notes, and flip through whenever you need a boost.

And for fun, have your groom write down entries in your gratitude journal as well. It's always fun to see things through his eyes, to read about the tiniest thing he noticed, and how much gratitude he has for you.

This sad scenario is happening a lot these days -- parents who originally promised to pay for the honeymoon, or the flowers, or the reception have hit some hard times. Maybe one has lost a job. Maybe their savings are dwindling. Maybe their IRA took a massive hit in this economy. Or medical bills have taken a chunk out of your wedding fund.

Maybe it's your bridesmaid who is having tough financial times and has to step out of the bridal party, or who can't give you the bridal shower she had in mind.

With wedding stress stretching you to your limits and any little thing setting you on edge, it's too easy to fall into the dreaded "Why me?!" cry, mourning your lost honeymoon or bridal shower dreams. A terrible thing has happened, and you're all upset about it.

Now we know you're not one of those horrible Bridezilla chicks on TV who are all about themselves, quite heartlessly yelling at their mothers for not being smarter with their money and ruining your day. You don't have that in you. Which is why we like you so much here at iVillage.

And we know we don't have to remind you to comfort the ones who are having tough times. That's just part of your nature.

What's happening here is you're being reminded that any plan made, any promise made, at the start of your wedding plans is always, always a Possibility. And when that possibility goes away, you get the chance to work with the disappointed parent or bridesmaid to come up with a Plan B.

No doubt they feared letting you know about their No. They probably had sleepless nights, maybe some high blood pressure. Plenty of stress. And everyone can relate to that these days.

So when you do get the news that a Possibility now has to morph into a Plan B, you can just hug them and say, "Okay, let's think up some different options."

And the biggest and best option for these tough financial times is to think up ways for your bridesmaid or your parent to contribute in non-financial ways. Helping to make programs or favors, confirming with your vendors, searching for the linens you want -- tasks that take time and care -- have as much value, if not more, than writing a check. And you get to rescue your very stressed loved one.

It helps if you have some Plan B ideas already in mind, so prep yourself for any dreaded phone calls by listing out some What If ideas...

If Shelley can't host the big bridal shower at the country club, then we can do a pizza party at my place and go swimming in the pool

If Mom and Dad can't pay for the flowers, I'll get a DIY book and invite the bridesmaids over to make the centerpieces with me. The craft store has free classes on making bouquets, so that would be a great group activity, too.

If my groom's Mom can't pay for the cake, we'll talk to the catering manager and make a few changes to the cocktail party menu, taking out a station or two, so that the cake is free.

You'll amaze yourself at your resourcefulness, and you'll be in a calmer and better position if anyone can't keep an original promise. And brides who have been in your position say that Plan B of working as a group on DIY projects was actually a great bonding experience that got both sides of the family and all of the friends to have a lot of fun together.

Sure, you'll be disappointed that you can't do the 2 weeks in Hawaii on your parents' dime. There's not a DIY plan to make up for that, and your parents will surely be heartbroken about it. But maybe this change in your expectations is going to lead you to look online for a different honeymoon package, which you find at 1/3 the price, in a better location, with lots of freebies in the resort's plan, and opportunities you wouldn't have had at the original location. And your parents can spring for that. It often happens that Plan B turns out far better than Plan A!

And maybe you can do 2 weeks in Hawaii on your first anniversary. Or push your honeymoon back a few months to a less expensive time of year, which your parents can afford as their wedding gift to you. Not a bad Plan B!

"That's just like what your mother does!"

"Of course you're late with the tux order! Your whole family's always late!"

"And here I thought you were DIFFERENT from your brother!"

"I can see I'm going to have to de-program the cheapskate DNA you got from your parents!"

I'm cringing as I write these slightly exaggerated [but only slightly exaggerated] phrases utterd by many frustrated, angry and anxious brides out there. It's just such an unfair fighting style! But unfortunately, in the throes of wedding stress, some pretty heinous things can come out of your mouth.

Which is why I want to urge you to make it an unbreakable rule for yourself: never tie what your groom is doing to *anything* his family does.

#1: Judging isn't nice.

#2: Throwing his family's flaws at him isn't nice.

#3: Lumping him in with his family's flaws isn't nice.

#4: Saying you have to de-program him...well, that's just really not nice.

Grooms forgive a lot from their frazzled brides, and brides forgive a lot from their overwhelmed grooms. The guys say they're nervous about treading in wedding world, and they'd like you to be their partner, not their boss. So for you or anyone else to take a situation that requires change -- okay, he's late with the tux order -- and bash him over the head with an insult that cuts right to the soul of him...big mistakes. And not something that he'll forget anytime soon.

Wedding season insults burn right down to the bone and stay there. Sometimes forever. Even if you apologize.

Think about how you'd feel if your busy schedule made you late with something...and your groom barked that you're just like your mother [or your father, or sister, or anyone else who's made a career out of being late with things.] You're supposed to have an unconditional relationship of trust and protection of one another. Any snapped insult like that hurts. A lot.

Yes, you're going to clash and bicker over things. That's natural, and it happens to everyone. But believe me...tying what he does to his family's bad habits is an injury you can't even fathom.

You probably never thought about it like that, but that's why I'm here: to point out some common auto-pilot reactions and behaviors that catapult you so far from Planning in Peace that you can't even see harmony in the future.

So ban the whole 'you're just like' weapon from your arsenal and find a better way to get him to call in that tux order. And don't ever say 'de-program' again. Peace, harmony, trust and safety will be saved!

Tell him what you like about his friends and family. Right now, things might be tense with his mother or his sisters if they're heavily involved in the wedding plans...or just piping up with comments at your expense.

There's a big danger in wedding planning season of venting to your groom about what everyone isn't doing for you, or what you don't like. So treat your groom to The Old You with some nice, complimentary remarks about his mom's dinner, or how his sister sent you a great link that helped you find the perfect invitations. His friends count, too. Every guy wants his wife to like his friends, so if you compliment his buddy's apartment or his friend's new girlfriend, that counts!

And of course, your Little Sweetness might just be making a secret vow to stop venting about his friends. Or his mom. Or his sister.

Look on the bright side about his people, and speak on the bright side, and your groom will love it.

It's all about showing your groom you love him, so when you're watching your favorite sitcom/reality show/football game, just slip off his socks, grab a little lotion, and give him a footrub. The foot has tons of nerve endings, especially on the sides of the foot and right under the toes, so take your time working those feet until you see his eyes start to half-close because he's so relaxed. Just make sure he doesn't have a huge kick reflex if something exciting happens in that football game! You don't want a bloody nose or black eye!

I treat my husband's feet to a good rubbing almost every night, and when he sees me get the big, soft pillow to put on my lap, he's whipping off those socks in no time.

Real men DO love footrubs, and this is an easy, spontaneous treat for him. If he's ticklish, skip the feet and do his calves. Guys say they loooove this.

Let's call this week's series the Little Sweetness For Your Groom file...reminding you that you're going to be the bride because you have a wonderful groom who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. With all of the excitement surrounding the wedding, gift registry, searching for your gown, sharing hundreds of texts and Tweets with your friends, he might just be feeling forgotten. As one groom said, "I'm on the sidelines. She said Yes, and it was like 'who are you?'"

That's something you'd like to avoid.

So here's today's Little Sweetness for your guy....the next time you're in the car together, stall a little bit before you get out. Leave an I Love You card on the seat for him to discover during his commute tomorrow. It will mean the world to him that you made a little plan to tell him he's special.

I love Dr. Niven's book series, and this book never fails to get me back in the right perspective. He takes a little bit of common sense and mixes it with fascinating scientific studies, and you'll feel better after just a few pages. Here's a description from Amazon:

Scientists and academics have spent entire careers investigating what makes people happy. But hidden in obscure scholarly journals and reports, their research is all too often inaccessible to ordinary people. Now the bestselling author of the 100 Simple Secrets series distills the scientific findings of over a thousand of the most important studies on happiness into easy-to-digest nuggets of advice. Each of the hundred practices is illustrated with a clear example and illuminated by a straightforward explanation of the science behind it to show you how to transform a ho-hum existence into a full and happy life.

• Believe in yourself: Across all ages, and all groups, a solid belief in one's own abilities increases life satisfaction by about 40 percent, and makes us happier both in our home lives and in our work lives.

• Turn off your TV: Watching too much TV can triple our hunger for more possessions, while reducing our personal contentment by about 5 percent for every hour a day we watch.

Get your copy here. 

I've been a fan of Daylle Deanna Schwartz for ages, and now I'm so excited to share with you her new book, which is going to help you so much if you're a 'Nice Girl' and have that People-Pleaser mentality that even Oprah has said she's struggled with. As you plan your wedding, you're probably going to feel torn between being 'Nice' and flipping out when a mom or bridesmaid makes 'requests' or gives you a tough time. People-Pleasers suffer from a lot of resentment and simmer over conflicts for a long time, so pick up Daylle's book and save yourself with the knowledge that Nice Girls Can Finish First! You'll use these skills in your marriage, at work, in life...which is a fabulous thing!

Many women believe that nice girls get less. They see being nice as a weakness, not as the strength it can be. But there's a BIG difference between being nice and being a People Pleaser or DoorMat. The People Pleasing kind of nice girls find it difficult to be expressive. They often feel used and taken for granted by others. These "nice girls" constantly mold themselves to be liked and often don't get taken seriously. So does this mean "nice girls" have to bare their claws to keep the cruel world from crushing them before they even know it?

As a former DoorMat/consummate People Pleaser, Daylle says, NO! Women do not have to be demanding and tough to get what they want. They can assert their desires and feelings with a soft, friendly tone and a smile, and still be liked and respected, what Daylle calls a Nice Girl on Top. NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST redefines the word NICE and provides tools for speaking and setting boundaries, while still being a nice person.

NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST is for every woman who has felt lousy about herself for being nice after getting taken advantage of or feeling used. And it's for women who want to feel empowered without contradicting natural instincts by being aggressive or unkind. NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST is for religious and spiritual women who go out of their way to be nice to others with a spiritual intention, but don't like the hurt feelings and anger that pleasing everyone can stoke. God wants you to be nice to yourself too!

NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST provides step-by-step methods for creating a total lifestyle that supports taming People Pleasing habits and guides women to take control of their lives. The book gives very specific tips for how to handle yourself in more effective ways by:   

• Distinguishing between being NICE and being a people pleaser/DoorMat
• Explaining how to control anger and frustration to handle yourself in ways that get better responses from others
• Offering concrete tools and techniques for modulating your voice, approaching situations with a confident attitude, using more effective words in common situations and other specific ways to get taken more seriously and get more of your needs met
• Showing why smiling and speaking in soft tones gets a point across better
• Confidence boosters for approaching situations in more effective ways.

NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST is the direct opposite of self-empowerment books that encourage women to develop a no-nonsense personality. It illustrates that women can speak softly, with a smile, and get taken seriously, by taming their people pleasing instincts to become a healthier version of nice. Women tend to get angry and complain when someone does her wrong. Daylle's motto is "EXPLAIN, DON'T COMPLAIN!" Nicely expressing a problem offers a better chance to be heard objectively. NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST gives specific tips for how to become a Nice Girl on Top in all areas of life, including:

• Setting boundaries with demanding parents
• Staying in control of yourself in romantic situations
• Getting better results from customers service representatives
• Responding to unacceptable behavior or demands from friends
• Handling work situations more effectively
• Learning how to turn down requests in ways that don't alienate
• Responding to unacceptable behavior and MUCH MORE

Daylle learned how to take control of her life and still be a very nice girl. You CAN too! This book is a roadmap to take the reins and guide your life to a happier, more satisfying place where smiles, courtesy and kindness are assets.

Order on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Nice-Girls-Can-Finish-First/dp/0071609075/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251480399&sr=8-1

At Daylle's website: http://www.daylle.com/daylle/bookinfo-nice-girls.html

Today starts a new series: some of the books I've found that will greatly help you sort through some of the 'people issues' you're having as you're planning your wedding.

Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. is a top author in the field of women's friendships, and her blog is a terrific resource for you as you handle the various challenges with your bridesmaids and with friends who might be miffed that they didn't make it into the bridal party. She offers terrific solutions for recharging your friendships and handling the sad realization that it might be time for a change.

So visit her site, check out her blog, and if your female friend issue means a breakup is in store, here's the perfect book for you:

From Irene's website about 'Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend'

"Friendships with other women are integral to our sense of happiness, health, and emotional well-being. At their best, these relationships fill our lives with love and laughter---but they can just as easily lead to intense feelings of sadness, hurt, loss, and shame that are as painful to get over as a breakup with a husband or lover.

What happens to our friendships? Why do some grow richer with time, others disappear, and others come to a crashing, often unanticipated, end? How do you tell the difference between the ones that are keepers that are definitely worth saving and the ones that should be discarded?

In an effort to understand the natural course of our friendships, I surveyed more than 1500 women of all ages, from all walks of life, to learn about their friendships, why some succeed and others fail, and how women can use every friendship, whatever the outcome, to emerge more whole.

With rapid changes in technology and the evolving roles of women, female friendships are more dynamic than ever before. Almost every woman has experienced a fractured friendship: either because she lost contact with someone who once was important to her; because she actively decided to step back from a friendship that changed; because she was unexpectedly dumped by someone else, because she decided she didn't have time for the hassles of a frenemy or toxic friendship, or because she and a friend both agreed their relationship was no longer worth saving."

http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/book

Avoid the tension, anxiety, suspicious, and fights about what happens at a traditional, drinkfest/stripper-fest bachelor or bachelorette party -- the most common pre-wedding fight between brides and grooms -- by planning something completely different! Something that everyone can attend, from the kids to the parents, even grandma!

Everyone needs a fun day out, right? Well, I've got your solution!

Go to a FanFest! Those conventions where celebrities appear, and you can talk with them, take photos with them, get autographs, and just jump up and down when you see them in person doing a Q&A onstage. I'd rather meet a celebrity than some male exotic dancer telling me to 'polish the apple' as he holds up his bicep in front of my face. Eeew! And I know I'd rather my groom meet celebrities than whoever's listed in some ad in the back of a magazine.

Here's an example: This weekend is the hot ticket TwiTour Twilight convention. Yes, it's Twilight, and all of our favorites will be there -- Ashley Greene included. This event has been sold out for months, and imagine the excitement of everyone from your flowergirls to your junior bridesmaids, all the way up to the Moms who love their Twilight when you announce that this is going to be your pre-wedding celebration! Everyone gets to sit in on a Q&A session, you may get to have brunch with the stars, meet the director of the movie, and shop like crazy -- money far better spent on Edward keepsakes than on shots of tequila!

I love these shows, for the creativity of the sets, the excited vibe in the showrooms, the chance to speak to artists and creators who are big in the news, and the thrill of getting to say, "I was there!" The same-old bachelorette party doesn't give you this kind of fun and excitement for your entire group, young and old!

For your local tour dates and the Creation Entertainment lineup of upcoming tour dates, visit their website today, and GROOMS, this means you too! You and your guys might prefer to go to a fanfest event in place of a stripper-party. I took my groom to a big fanfest featuring NFL stars, and he got to meet his hero Dan Marino. It was a great moment! And the pictures are fabulous!

These shows are often ultra-inexpensive to attend -- sometimes just $20 per person, and it's a very fun time! So check out the Twilight tour, see what else they have on tap, and get your group ready for a fun and conflict-free party!

You know what you'd like for your wedding day, and you have your plan all set. You also know what you'd like your parents and your bridal party members to do...and it may be a lot. You have it all set.

When your Mom or his Mom or anyone else pops up with a suggestion or an offer to help, it might not fit into your existing plans. So, with kindness and appreciation, you have to say No. They understand. They really do.

But what if it happens every time? They're bound to feel disappointed, and some might attribute the term 'control freak' to what is just your organized plan. We wouldn't want that.

So here's your challenge to maintain a peaceful planning group: find ways to say Yes every now and then, or present to them a section of the wedding plans where they can use their ideas. For instance, if you recognize that his mom has heard No a dozen times lately, invite her to submit a list of pictures she would like the photographer to get. They could be family group photos, or a shot of her and her son, a shot of her and her grandkids, and so on.

To keep the peace in a planning group, and to prevent those kinds of negative assumptions from those who might say you're 'stealing all the fun for yourself,' it helps to give everyone something fun to do. Now.

I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. I'd just hate for you to face any built-up resentment, gossip, hurt feelings or other dramas when all you're trying to do is run your wedding plans efficiently. Some brides say, "I was just trying to keep them from spending more money, or from having too much to do!" Those are admirable intentions! And they'll be reminded of that when you invite them into the fun a little sooner than you had planned.

It's an interesting question to ask yourself: are you saying No too often? Please share your thoughts with us in the Comments....

www.sharonnaylor.net

Bridesmaids lose their minds when the expenses start to pile up.

When they first agreed to be in your wedding party, they knew they were going to face a bunch of expenses. There's a dress to pick out, shoes to get, a bridal shower to plan. They know they'll take a financial hit, but you're so worth it!

It's when additional expenses add up over the course of the planning months that they (rightly) begin their silent (or not-so-silent) revolt. Of course, you're doing your best to keep expenses down across the board, but with your focus on so many things, you might not be fully aware of how the Bridesmaid Budget Tally is stacking up for your girls.

So few brides actually take this next step, which is why they lose sight of the money realities their maids are facing:

Make a list of what it would cost you to be your own bridesmaid.

It might look like this:

Dress: $120

Shoes: $40

Hairstyling for the wedding day: $60 for an up-do

Makeup for the wedding day: $50 if they want it, free if they don't

Manicure: $30 if they want it, free if they don't

You might not know the details of what they're spending on your shower, so just take a ballpark guest: $150 to $300 apiece, for instance

Now, here are some extras:

Travel to get to the wedding: $30 to $130, gas money or planefare

Hotel room: $99 a night, two nights needed (Ouch!)

Travel to fittings: $10 in gas money and time spent

Travel to planning meetings: $10 in gas money and time spent

Bachelorette party: $30 to $150 apiece, including limo, bar tab, food and entertainment

Photos developed: $25

Cell phone bill for a year of planning: $5 to $50

And it goes on.

If all brides took the time to list out what their bridesmaids are likely spending, there's going to be a lot more peace when they:

1. Cut out some expenses. Don't ask them to get makeup and nails done, since your asking could make them feel obligated

2. Offer to pay for their bridesmaids' hotel rooms as their thank-you gift [in addition to a cute little $15 bracelet or some other gift]

3. Don't even think about requiring them to go to boot camp with you

4. Show that you care about their money by telling them to email you with answers and responses; don't require phone calls, because you never know who has free minutes or who's facing overages

5. In this recession era, more brides are skipping the bachelorette party. Just something to think about.

6. Be open to the lower-priced dresses and shoes they find online. They don't all have to be in Vera Wang just because that's what you've always envisioned. Let them find great discounts, too.

7. Treat them nice. Invite them over for dinner or cocktails on a regular basis, without any wedding talk involved. Every bridesmaid appreciates a NICE bride!

Do you have a bridesmaid who's behaving badly? A Mom who has turned into a Momzilla with the plans? A future mother-in-law who seems unhappy about the fact that there's even going to be a wedding?

Don't bother analyzing her!

When someone's acting badly, your first instinct might be to analyze her, figure out why she's acting this way, attribute it to the fact that the bridesmaid is single, the Mom never had a wedding her way, your future mom-in-law is in a depression...and then you talk to all of your relatives and friends, becoming a panel of psychologists, diagnosing and guessing and assuming...spending hours and days talking about it, getting anxious and upset.

Why do we do this? Because we have good hearts. We're helpers. We feel empathy for those who are obviously having a tough time in life. And we want to fix it.

But you know what? If you are going to enjoy this short, exciting time in your life as you plan your wedding, you're only sucking the joy out of your own experience by devoting any time to analyzing the troublemakers in your world.

The fact is, you're not going to figure out their deal, because they probably don't even know what their deal is. And it's not your job to diagnose depression or single-sadness. Sometimes a troublemaker just wants attention, and this is a great way to get it. Or, they do have a problem, but it's up to them as responsible adults to get it treated.

I'm not saying that you should be callous or uncaring if someone is really having a problem. As the great woman you are, you'll offer your support and be gentle with them. But you won't turn their issues into the majority of your focus. Once you've reached out with a hug, you've done plenty. If they want to continue with the poor-me routine, leave them to find another audience who is not in a peak bliss time of their life.

Just look past the zinger or the pouty performance, wish them well, and move forward to share the company of people who are happy for you, joyful to participate in the wedding plans, and uplifting to you.

It is possible to think too much about those who are downers. They'll often say or do something to bring the spotlight to themselves. But how long you choose to dwell on it....that's up to you. Stopping your analysis habit...that's up to you, too!

If you decided to delegate some wedding planning tasks -- such as allowing your mom to research rental agencies, or having your aunt make the favors according to your design -- it would be a big mistake and a ton of extra stress if you didn't let go of those particular jobs just a little bit.

Of course, you want things to be the way you envisioned them, and most brides worry that if they hand over tasks to someone else, there's a good chance that their project is going to veer away from their request or design. Especially if you delegated to someone who has a habit of swerving things toward their own vision.

But you trusted the people you delegated to, and now it's up to you to just relax a little bit and trust that they're going to do it your way.

Instead of endlessly checking in and asking for status reports, or sending 'guiding' e-mails that basically mean you're doing the job and just telling them what to do, solve this big problem by requiring your helpers to check with you before they finalize any plans. That means that rental agency info is just to be collected right now, not booked. The favor design can be photographed and e-mailed to you before your aunt buys any materials.

It's perfectly okay to say, "Just be sure to send me the details, so my groom and I can check everything out, before you book or buy or go to any extra trouble."

Your helpers want to make you happy, and they'll appreciate your specifically asking for the final okay before anything is set in stone. Sometimes you have to state the obvious in requesting final approval.

When you send that message, that removes the issue from your plate, and the helpers you trust are able to move forward with their tasks, and you're able to sleep at night.

Trusting your helpers = Planning in Peace

I recently asked over 100 brides-to-be to name the fun Girls' Day they would plan to give themselves and their bridesmaids, friends, and sisters a chance to step away from the wedding, re-connect, laugh, enjoy a few cocktails and just be themselves.

Here are some of the phenomenal and creative plans they would make, if they could, which many of them decided they could. So they DID!

Check out these ideas for Girls' Night -- and hey, might as well invite his sisters to join in, and be a part of your big, happy circle!:

* Watching a marathon of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood [This was the most popular entry, actually! People love their Tori!]

* Sign up to walk or run a 5K for charity

* Go to a pottery or ceramics art studio, for everyone to create a lovely platter or vase for their homes

* Go to a movie, either a summer blockbuster or an indie film

* Go to a comedy club and sit right up front so that the comedian brings them into the act

* Have a pool party, catered and with a frozen daiquiri machine

* Go to an amusement park

* In the fall, go to a touristy town during its fall apple festival, walk through the orchards, go on a hay ride, shop in antique stores and eat tons of fudge

* Go to a fabulous exhibit at a museum

* Go to the strangest festival they can find. Look at www.festivals.com to find upcoming ones near you.

* Hop on a train to spend a weekend in a nearby big city, see a show, do some shopping, celebrity-watch

* Go out dancing at the club they used to go to when they were in school; it's so much different now that you're older, and you'll appreciate where you are now in life so much more!

* Go to a garden center, and everyone buy their spring, summer or fall plantings, tomato plants, herbs, and so on. As a favor, everyone gets cute gardening gloves.

* Get tickets to the hottest concert tour of the season.

* Dress up in your finest formalwear and go to the opera.

* Dress down in jeans and go to a hockey game, where there are LOTS of men for your single friends to flirt with.

* Go back to your alma mater for a tailgate party and watch a football game, like you used to during your school days.

* Sign up for a fun, evening cooking class and learn how to temper chocolate.

* Sign up for a strip-aerobics class at the gym.

* Go to a restaurant that's outside of your usual list of hotspots. Try a new cultural cuisine, be adventurous, show your daring side and maybe discover a new favorite place.

What are your ideas for a fabulous Girls' Day or Girls' Night Out? Post them here in the comments section!

Just say it. "It's not a competition." When you have a friend or a cousin or a bridesmaid who's getting ultra-annoying about comparing every detail of your wedding to her past or upcoming Big Day, sometimes stating this fact is all you need to do to shut them up.

I hear about so many good-natured brides who get sucked into the drama, wanting their friend or cousin or bridesmaid to feel better about themselves, that they'll stay in the conversation, assuring that person that her flowers were so gorgeous, or that there's no way their cake will be better than her cake was - just trying to be nice. I'm all for being nice, but I'm not all for volunteering to puff up someone else's ego at the expense of your peace.

It's all in the delivery. Just smile and say, "It's not a competition. Your wedding is going to be fabulous. Now, which movie would you like to go see tonight?" or some other such change of topic. When you refuse to get sucked into the competition chat, the reassurance Olympics, you save your own sanity.

You hear it all the time..."She's just jealous" or "Don't pay any attention to the mean things she's saying." But when your sister, your mom, his mom, or anyone else who's being competitive and Mean Girls-like really zings you, it hurts! And it's a rare person who can just ignore it totally, like it never happened.

But here's what you can do for your peace: just feel sorry for them. Because a competitive nature - when it goes to the point of resenting you and trying to bring you down - is the sign of a very unhappy, very unfulfilled person who has some hollow places in her life.

I've struggled in the past with competitive meanies who I felt were stepping down on me, but once I realized that they're feeling small, I changed the image. They were now harmless mini-meanies trying to pull me down with them.

I get steamed, no doubt about it. But once I can click onto that image, and whip up a sense of understanding about what's so lacking in someone who needs to just be mean, I feel a lot better.

It just means they have some growing up to do. And if you don't make them larger than life, that means you get to stay in your peace, and they can just simmer over why they're not able to bring you down. To a competitive, mean person, that translates into 'losing.'

I'm sure you've dealt with ultra-competitive people at some point in your life, and maybe you are the one who likes to compete.

As we start this new series on how Competition is a killer to your sense of planning in peace, I'd love for you to check out this terrific article by The Today's Show's Dr. Gail Saltz.

It focuses on whether or not you have a too-competitive relationship with your groom, what might be behind it, and how you can ease up on the need to 'win.' Are you stealing your own peace by being competitive with him? And with your friends, sisters and bridesmaids? This is one topic to think about at length, maybe journal on, and please do post your stories on how you might be a little too competitive right now...

The best way to hit the release valve on all that wedding planning stress is to get back to the core of why you're in wedding planning mode in the first place! Your relationship!

Most grooms say they miss their brides during the crazy, stressful wedding planning months. You're anxious and angry, and he's just trying to stay out of the way. You don't want to be the target of this comment:

"I know, I know. Wedding planning is stressful, but I never knew she could be so mean when she's upset. I kind of lost some respect for her, and I don't know if I'll ever forget the way she spoke to my sister."

Wedding season words last forever.

So plan a romantic date, a weekend getaway, an overnight stay at a nearby hotel, a day trip to the beach or the mountains, so that you can let that wedding stress evaporate before you say or do something that's going to stay with your groom for a looooong time.

Don't apologize too much! Yes, we all know that the economy is tough, people are busy, and being involved in your wedding is an investment of the things people don't seem to have enough of: time and money. It can make you feel bad when you have to ask your parents, bridal party and groom to fulfill tasks for the wedding...but don't become an Over-Apologizing Bride.

When you go overboard with the apologies, it can seem like you're being a martyr, that the apologies aren't real, and you're going overboard in the 'aren't I wonderful?' department. That's so annoying!

Those who have agreed to participate in your wedding know that these are the things they agreed to, and unless you're truly putting people out by changing the wedding date, location, dresses or other plans that have already been set, save the apologies for when they're truly needed.

Don't feel bad that you're in a happy time of your life. If you have friends who are unhappily single, you might feel strange talking to them about your dream wedding. That's in your mind, though, because true friends enjoy hearing you happy! Singles tell me they get mad when the bride starts off every conversation with an apology: "That's a dead giveaway that she feels sorry for me and it's an insult that she thinks I'd be mad about talking about her wedding!"

I know you have good intentions, but moderation is key.  

What happens when a parent is your most difficult planning partner, a control freak, a critique monster, and very much a stealer of your peace? While it would be great to have one of those sweetie-pie moms or moms-in-law, we don't always win the mom lottery...and some moms just freak out over wedding plans. They become uncharacteristically bossy or tense or panicked, and they lash out.

And then they don't apologize.

So what do you do to get back to Planning in Peace when you're stuck working with a mom who treats you badly and then doesn't care enough to apologize decently? You have to be direct. But respectful. Which can be very, very difficult. But essential.

Here's a line that can work quite well: "(Name), I know there's a lot of change going on, the wedding plans are taking a lot out of all of us, things are expensive, and it's stressful. But I really have to ask you not to call me names or criticize what we want for the wedding."

Offending Parent is going to be shocked that you're taking charge like this, and may try to minimize the impact, saying you're over-sensitive.

That's their favorite comeback, it seems.

Your comeback: "True. Maybe I am being over-sensitive." Aha! You're not taking the bait of leaping into defending yourself, which would swerve the conversation into what you're doing wrong! "I'd just like for us all to plan in peace, and when this wedding is over, not have any regrets."

You've just given the parent something to think about. Don't lay down ultimatums, such as saying you'll soon be in charge of whether or not you'll spend holidays with them, or if they'll ever see their grandchildren. That's starting a war, getting into a power struggle.

Just rise above, stay calm, be diplomatic, and express that you want to plan together with the parents, and you want to establish a great relationship going forward. That's how diplomats do it. They emphasize the positive and get the focus back on the goals.

How are you handling a difficult parent who won't apologize? We all know parents have their own hot buttons, and here's a strategy that can help: if it's your groom's parent who's causing the problems, ask your groom to help you with your wording. Don't hand the dilemma to him. It's important that you address the parent directly and show him or her that you can stand up for yourself, that you have good intentions, and that you're not afraid to ask for a positive change.

It'll take time. People don't snap into better behavior overnight. But you'll be on your way.

Be easy to apologize to! If you and your groom have clashed over anything -- wedding plans, life stress, family issues, who's going to walk the dog -- don't be one of those horrid brides you see on TV who take their groom's apology and turn it around on him, completely missing the point that he's apologizing and browbeating him over what he did wrong, rehashing the argument, defending their own position. They didn't get it. The guy apologized!

Stress can cause your anger levels to go up, so keep an eye out for this sneaky downward spiral into anger-simmering, so that you don't turn into an AngerZilla who is impossible to apologize to...and is then mad that no one can apologize! Geez! No one can win with you!

I've always thought an apology is a wonderful gift, and I'm lucky to be married to a man who never lets an argument last more than ten minutes. He's easy to apologize to, and he's quick to own up when he's in the wrong. We can do that more easily now that we're not planning a wedding :)

Don't be afraid to admit you're wrong, and don't over-analyze an apology, dismissing it with "Oh, you don't really mean that," or "Sure you are" or "Riiiiight."

Do you know what comes after a great apology? A kiss, a hug, a greater feeling of closeness because you trust each other enough to work through conflict and then forgive. And, yeah, great make-up sex is often part of being easy to apologize to. Cranky, browbeating brides don't know the bliss and comfort of that. They just storm around continuing to play the victim, lashing out at the very people who love them.

Which do you want to be?

Who do you need to apologize to? That can be a tough question to ask yourself, and a tougher question to answer. After all, we never like to face up to the fact that we can behave like children sometimes, that we snapped at someone who was just trying to help.

Think back on your most recent spats with your mom, your groom, that bridesmaid who keeps calling with ideas for various DIY projects, to which you snapped, "When I decide on  favor, I'll call you, okay?!" She got you at a bad time, and you lost your cool.

It happens to every bride at some point. And we always seem to snap at the people we love the most. Sure, they might be pushy and overstepping their bounds, but as all the self-help books say, it's not what happens but how you respond to what happens that matters.

Here's the kicker: it might not even have been a super-rude thing you said. It could be that you haven't returned a bridesmaid's e-mail in over a week. You might have kept your wedding coordinator waiting a long time for your decision about the napkin rings.

It's a sign of great maturity when you can make a phone call to say, "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. There's no excuse. I've felt awful about it, and I'd like to plan a get-together so that we can work on the plans."

There's no excuse. The best apologies are not filled with excuse after excuse, like "I was working a lot," and "'I've been so busy" or "I forgot." We're all super-busy, and loading your  apology with excuses takes the purity out of your message. Just a basic, straight-forward apology is all that's called for.

If you did snap and say something rude, add on "I really wish I didn't say that. If I could go back to that moment in time, I'd definitely do it differently." That's a powerful, effective apology that most people would love to hear!