Up until now, I've written all of my blog posts to you, the bride, helping you sidestep common wedding nightmares and people problems as you plan your dream wedding, wanting a minimum of stress.

But we all know you're not alone in this.

Other people around you have to do their part, too, to compromise, keep things in perspective, and return to Planning in Peace. So this column is for their eyes.

Moms, you're a part of the inner circle, so this means you. [And yes, I'll be speaking directly to bridesmaids, the groom, and others soon, so don't think I'm singling you out!]

Moms, I know you don't like it when people say this to you, but it's not your Big Day. You may have wonderful ideas that you think the bride and groom would love, that would reflect well on your family and bring your cultural and religious values to the forefront, but there is no idea of yours that is bigger or more important than the ideas the wedding couple want for their wedding day. It would be a colossal injury to your relationship with the bride and groom for you to force your wishes on them, dangling the fact that you're paying for part of the wedding as a weapon, and -- I say this to protect your future -- some steamroller Moms may Win in getting their wishes inserted into the day, but that leads to a lifetime of Loss when you fall in your daughter's or son's esteem, earning only a protective distance between yourself and them. That's what happens when Moms lose control.

"I'll never forgive her for changing things on the menu without checking with us first."

"My husband is appalled at how she acted during the wedding plans, and she can't put on the nice act with him anymore."

Ouch! These are harsh words, words that come right from my readership. I'd share more stories with you, but most of them are filled with expletives and a palpable sense of pain. Their mothers vastly hurt them.

It's not about the things on the menu. It's the fact that a mother would put her wishes above her child's. That's the betrayal.

You might not think you're doing anything wrong by pushing for some changes or additions. You might not even realize you're starting a competitive war with the groom's mother. Most moms don't realize the depths they're sinking to. But the wedding couple. They see it. The in-laws see it. The guests see it.

So Moms, I tell you this with great love...it's okay to suggest ideas, but never okay to push them into the plans. If the couple seems hesitant, or even if they say Yes now in knee-jerk reaction but then change their minds later, about your suggestions, please, please, please don't take their rejection of your idea as a rejection of you. Just be agreeable, allow them to plan their day, and look past the wedding itself to the much more important celebration: a lifetime of keeping a close, loving relationship with your son or daughter and his or her family.

Next post: the one thing you should never say.

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