While watching a re-run of Project Runway, I heard Tim Gunn explain a wonderful analogy to a contestant who designed a jacket of questionable taste. I'm paraphrasing here: "Have you ever walked into a monkey house and noticed how bad it smells? But after a while, it's not that bad, and after an hour, you don't notice it at all? And then someone else walks into the monkey house and immediately notices how bad it smells? Well you have been living in the monkey house." This is probably the greatest number of times I've ever used the word 'monkey' in a wedding post, but the story is brilliant! You can be in a situation that an outsider senses is bad, but you've gotten so used to it that it doesn't even affect you anymore. With weddings, you might not notice how bossy your sister is, but all of the other bridesmaids are complaining about it. Your groom might think his mother is the sweetest woman in the world, but you've noticed a lot of barbed comments coming from her. So here's an important tip for Planning in Peace: accept that your perceptions may be from 'living in the monkey house' and so might other people's! You might see your sister's bossy behavior as 'the way she is' and your groom might not even register his mom's tendency to treat you like an adversary.

So your first step to returning to peace is this: just solve the problem, without delving into diagnosing or trying to change people. If your bridesmaids say your sister is out of control, that's what they're experiencing. So that's the problem to solve. Remind your sister that your friends don't work for her, so please be a little bit more diplomatic with her requests. If his mom digs the claws into your back, figure out how you can continue to work with her without requiring your groom to change his entire opinion of her. He may be in the monkey house right now, and it would be nothing but frustration to try to get him to see it your way.

Focus on the solution. Can you communicate with his mom via e-mail if phone calls upset you? Can you stop giving your sister small tasks and just handle them yourself? As the bride, it's up to you to discover the workable solution for your experience now, and leave the bigger family issues to the future.