You know enough not to compare your wedding to anyone else's, because that's a recipe for stress and over-spending. But what happens when your parents start stressing about how your wedding will measure up to your cousins or their colleagues' kids? This is a REAL dilemma for some parents, and they can start getting snippy or depressed when it's time to talk about the wedding. Some compensate by getting controlling about the plans, and some retreat, seeming like they're not interested.

When parents are afraid that the wedding they can afford will not measure up, they take it very badly. To them, this wedding is a great big show of 'how they're doing in life.' So when you say you want to keep it small and informal, that's when they may fight you. "No way...we're paying for it, so it's going to be a formal reception with a band and a 5-tier cake..." They lose sight of what you say you want...

Instead of getting angry about not mattering to them, try to see this with a little empathy. Yes, you don't enjoy the control-freak attitude, or the demands, or the criticisms. But parents are looking at a big expense, the emotions of a big change, and the fear of losing you. So *without* diagnosing them -- parents HATE it when you say, 'Oh, you're just having trouble adjusting' -- talk to them like equals, with respect, and assure them that your smaller scale plans will be even more impressive to their friends and the family because everything will be done to perfection, instead of an overkill of mediocre wedding elements that's just like what everyone else is doing. Parents appreciate hearing your reasoning, and they're more likely to feel relief about dialing it down to the plans you want when you say the magic words of 'how much more impressed everyone will be' by the simpler candle centerpieces with the crystals surrounding them.

Parents don't want to fight with you. They want to be understood, and they want to look good through their involvement with the wedding. So when you crack that code, you can guide them into adding high quality into plans that are more in line with what you want. And then you express your gratitude. That's an essential for a healthy stress-free working partnership.

If they bounce back into the comparison game, talking about cousins' weddings, just remind them gently that no one else's wedding matters. Every choice you're making right now is so special because it's being planned by all of you, to reflect your relationship. And then use your sense of humor...'besides, every one of the cousins has had the same type of music. We'll stand out with that guitarist during the dinner hour.' Works like a charm...