You've been nice. You've invited the mothers to help with the wedding plans. You've added a few things to the ceremony to make one of the moms happy. You said okay to a few extra guests of theirs....and they take it one step too far. It might be a song added to your playlist, a change made to your menu...it might not even have anything to do with the wedding, such as claiming your summer vacation for a family getaway that his parents have already booked ["Surprise!"]. Whatever the form, someone has taken advantage of your nice demeanor and generosity. You didn't ask to have your boundaries trampled. You didn't ask to be in this position, and it's especially bad when the groom has spent a few weeks keeping that summer vacation grab a secret from you. NO parent should ever put a bride or groom in that position....EVER.

So where does this leave you? You can't turn back time and un-do the inconsiderate, grabby thing a parent said or did. So how do you handle it from here? Actions speak louder than words. Now, with the next few 'requests' they put in while they still think you're clueless, you respond with, "No, that doesn't fit in with the plans that (groom) and I have discussed. But thanks for suggesting it." Just don't give in to their requests so easily anymore....they're establishing a dominance pattern over you, so you have to take a few firm stands to keep your plans as you want them. They need to hear a simple and polite No sometimes, which is far healthier for you to say now, rather than stew over how you 'gave in' or stress out your fiance while you take out your frustration on him. [Yes, he should have had your back, but haven't we all been blindsided and then found it too late or too awkward to say something?]

Bottom line: you're not going to be 'trained' to go along with everything a parent wants. They may be struggling with such a big change right now, but change is good. For everyone. So say No with a smile when they've gone too far. They'll learn in good time that you will not be bossed around. But you don't have to be aggressive about it.

DON'T worry about things that haven't happened yet. Yes, you may believe that your sister is going to have too much wine at the wedding and act like a bimbo. She has a tendency to do that at any big event, so you've spent days and weeks worrying about her assured antics. She's going to embarrass you in front of your fiance's family! In front of your colleagues! In front of your guests! You can just hear her slurring through the maid of honor toast already!

Imaginative people can really paint a vivid picture of a scene in the future.

And if you're really good at imagining something negative in the future, you'll get that sick sense of dread in your stomach. But what good does that do for you now? It's not going to prevent your sister from cozying up to a bottle of wine (or four). So give yourself the gift of peace right now by refusing to 'paint' that picture, refusing to invest your time and energy worrying about what she might do.

If it hasn't happened yet, don't dwell on it...you have A CHOICE of what you can dwell on, so make it something positive and sweet instead!

You know enough not to compare your wedding to anyone else's, because that's a recipe for stress and over-spending. But what happens when your parents start stressing about how your wedding will measure up to your cousins or their colleagues' kids? This is a REAL dilemma for some parents, and they can start getting snippy or depressed when it's time to talk about the wedding. Some compensate by getting controlling about the plans, and some retreat, seeming like they're not interested.

When parents are afraid that the wedding they can afford will not measure up, they take it very badly. To them, this wedding is a great big show of 'how they're doing in life.' So when you say you want to keep it small and informal, that's when they may fight you. "No way...we're paying for it, so it's going to be a formal reception with a band and a 5-tier cake..." They lose sight of what you say you want...

Instead of getting angry about not mattering to them, try to see this with a little empathy. Yes, you don't enjoy the control-freak attitude, or the demands, or the criticisms. But parents are looking at a big expense, the emotions of a big change, and the fear of losing you. So *without* diagnosing them -- parents HATE it when you say, 'Oh, you're just having trouble adjusting' -- talk to them like equals, with respect, and assure them that your smaller scale plans will be even more impressive to their friends and the family because everything will be done to perfection, instead of an overkill of mediocre wedding elements that's just like what everyone else is doing. Parents appreciate hearing your reasoning, and they're more likely to feel relief about dialing it down to the plans you want when you say the magic words of 'how much more impressed everyone will be' by the simpler candle centerpieces with the crystals surrounding them.

Parents don't want to fight with you. They want to be understood, and they want to look good through their involvement with the wedding. So when you crack that code, you can guide them into adding high quality into plans that are more in line with what you want. And then you express your gratitude. That's an essential for a healthy stress-free working partnership.

If they bounce back into the comparison game, talking about cousins' weddings, just remind them gently that no one else's wedding matters. Every choice you're making right now is so special because it's being planned by all of you, to reflect your relationship. And then use your sense of humor...'besides, every one of the cousins has had the same type of music. We'll stand out with that guitarist during the dinner hour.' Works like a charm...

One of the biggest stressors in wedding planning is having to depend on so many different people to answer your calls or deliver a service, send a deposit check or show up on time. If you're one of those super-reliable people who's always on time, if not early, you're really going to feel this one. And it can be *very* draining to feel like you're always waiting for people to follow through.

Some brides and grooms are so organized that they feel their bridal party is late even when there are still three days before the deadline they enforced.

You don't do anything about people's sense of timing. We all have friends who are always late for dinner, or always show up five minutes before the movie starts. That's just their rhythm, the clock they operate by.

So the best thing that you can do is change your tactic...add a few days of cushion time to what you need from each person. For instance, the groomsmen can get a deadline date of two weeks sooner than you need their size cards. The bridesmaids get a deadline date of two weeks earlier. When you build in some delay time, it keeps you from freaking out about late people. This cushion time is for your sense of peace.

I keep a calendar with cushion deadlines written in red and actual deadlines written in black. My bridal party is scattered all over the country, and everyone operates on their own timing. One of my bridesmaids has 4 kids and homeschools them, and she's always the first to respond. Another bridesmaid is a teacher, and she takes a while to get back to me. I love her to pieces, and it doesn't stress me at all....I know she'll come through. My groom is more laid-back than I am, so he's been getting some cushioned requests, just because I don't want to stress either of us out with a 'time's a wastin'' mentality. It all gives me a valley of harmony...and I'd love for you to experience the same stress relief!

What are your stories of bridal parties, grooms and parents with different timing than your own? And did you realize that maybe it's best if *you* get a little more laid back about your requests? Share your stories in Comments. I'd love to read them!

And now the top tip for creating a peaceful sanctuary in your own home: being able to say, "Wow, it smells great in here!"

What's the scent that always relaxes you? Is it a great vanilla candle? A lavender body lotion? One whiff, and you physically relax...your shoulders come down, your jaw loosens, and you just sigh...

Here's my favorite scent-creator in my own home [and since we're planning our wedding AND renovating a 1950s house at the same time, I know this works!]: I buy a bunch of those Pillsbury bread doughs from the dairy section, and I bake a loaf of bread. Not to eat. I have a wedding gown to get into, after all. Just to fill my home with that great scent of fresh-baked bread. Which is the scent of 'home' for me, a deeply-ingrained memory of comfort and unconditional love. So that's the scent that works for me. After it's done its job, the loaf gets thrown out to the birds. No temptation, no regrets.

The same works if you love the scent of chocolate chip cookies....and if you have the self-control to eat just one or two and then bring the rest in to work, or give your parents or future in-laws a thoughtful gift.

Baking's not doing it for you? Then how about a real meal? A savory stew or a rosemary-dusted chicken? That'll fill your home with some fabulous scents that will turn your space into a feast for the senses.

Share the relief of Tip #1 with your groom, and ask him which scents he loves. [He will, of course, say Your Perfume because he is a romantic guy!] He may add some suggestions to your grocery shopping list.

What are your ideas for comforting scents in your home? Do you love sage? Your man's cologne? Fresh lilies? Share your favorites in the Comments section here, and surprise us with the unusual scents you love. A friend of mine *loves* the smell of dirt. Can't get enough of it, and is a big gardener. So her home is filled with potted plants, and she tends to them in a Zen practice. Another friend of mine loves the smell of leather. So she will actually take a deep inhale of her jacket or her purse. And then there's vanilla frosting, one of my favorites....I'll open the can, breathe in, and take a teaspoon of indulgence. Everything in moderation. Even the bread or the cookies.

What are you listening to? Seriously, what are the sounds of your home right now? Do you have the nightly news on the television as you're cooking dinner? Are you listening to the chirpy newscaster reporting on a triple murder while you're marinating your pork chops? Are you shaking your fists at the noisy upstairs neighbor clomping across the floor? Is your TV blaring the sounds of gunfire, or depressing financial reports, politicians yelling over each other? Sheesh.....turn it all off. And fill your home with better sounds, like soft music. I challenge you to discover new musical artists in the 'soft music' realm...perhaps some jazz or Native American instrumentals [it's the stuff your massage therapist plays...for very good reason]. Some people say they relax more when they listen to instrumental music with no lyrics, and others respond better to songs with beautiful, romantic lyrics, or songs that bring them back to a very happy time in their lives. This is your exploration to make, so create a new playlist for your space, and feel the stress float out the door.

Create a comfy environment with lots of soft fabrics....a cozy cashmere throw for cuddling on the couch, super-soft bamboo towels [you have to try these!], high thread-count sheets, a new spa robe...you're feeding your sense of touch when you fill your space with luxurious fabrics. So add some fabric-centric items to your registry, use some of those gift cards on super-fluffy towels, and ask for that spa robe for your holiday gift.

As for me, I requested comfy socks for my Christmas gift this year. My future mother-in-law asked if I was sure about wanting socks, and my response was, "Oh yeah...nothing but socks this year." 100% cotton. Warm. Comfy. Perfect for the nightly foot rubs my fiance gives me...and then we'll snuggle under our fleece blanket. Pull that over you, and all is right with the world.

Trust me...fill your space with fabulous fabrics....

Healthy abundance. That's what we're focusing on today. So it's time to open up that pantry and pull out *not* just the junk food, but the canned food that can be donated to a food pantry or charity. What's been there for months that will serve a needy family better than your future plans for a slow-cooker meal? With some space cleared out of the pantry, you have room for healthier cereals and oatmeal...the bounty of a healthy food shop you'll do together. [I love going for a healthy food shop with my fiance. We stock up on fresh vegetables, sushi, salad-makings, seafood...and before we get home, he's talking about making dinner for us. Consider this a perk for an extra dose of peace!]

The refrigerator is on target for this task as well. Get rid of those dried-up old lemon pieces on the door of the fridge, toss those outdated eggs, and fill up with bottled water, fruits, vegetables, yogurts, your favorite good-for-you treats.

You don't have to be extravagant...just notice the feeling of unpacking even a dozen new, healthy food choices and knowing you've just focused on healthy abundance, which can make you feel fantastic even before you eat them.

December 16 at 7:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

We're counting down the top five things you can do to turn your space into a more soothing environment where you feel more at ease, you're relaxed and able to make decisions without so much tension, and it just feels better. Existing in a cluttered home or office can really drain your energy, and no matter where you stand on the whole feng shui thing, doesn't it always feel great when you get your kitchen counter cleared off, your junk mail thrown away, your sheets changed and all of your laundry done? You feel in control of your environment, which can make you feel more at peace.

So Tip #5 is Tackle the Paper Pile. Gather up all of those pieces of junk mail, those catalogs you never got through, receipts from the coffee shop...anything on paper that's all over your space. Record any important info like phone numbers or appointments, and then recycle the scraps. Clearing all of this non-essential clutter away can be done in 10-minute bursts, or during TV commercials. Start with the papers in your purse, then hit the kitchen table, your coffee table, wherever papers get 'stuck.' And share this tip with your groom so that he can take care of his own papers. [You *don't* want to throw out or move his important papers! Ask if you can put them all into a shoebox for his attention later.]

You'll love how Powerful this one task will make you feel. And when you feel powerful, efficient, and like your time is used well on a task where you can see results right away -- that's the most important part! -- peace is not far behind.

Click here for more tips on how to create a less stressful space:

• Tip #4: Eating Right


• Tip #3: Comfy & Cozy


• Tip #2: Sounds of Silence


• Tip #1: Scent of a Woman

December 15 at 7:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

You may be in a romantic wonderland with your wedding plans, but it won't be too long until reality comes pounding on the door, reminding you of What Is in the rest of your life.

I had that kind of day yesterday, getting the dreaded 7am phone call from my parents who are *both* in various stages of fighting blood cancers....and have been for 5 years now. My mom had been rushed to the hospital the night before with dizziness. As a longtime expert at hospital runs, I knew which essentials she'd need [hairbrush, toothbrush, three bottles of Poland Spring Water and cinnamon for the awful hospital food], and I made my essential phone calls to my brother and sister and father to update them on the doctor's conference ["It's just an inner ear infection"] Whew!! As I was driving home from the hospital, it hit me...we get so All About Me sometimes. If your mother is driving you crazy, think about brides whose mothers have passed away and who will have to face a wedding day without them. Think about brides like me who wonder if a sick father will be able to walk down the aisle or dance. Reality is tough for many brides out there...so be ready for the realities of life outside the wedding plans, and appreciate your mom, dad, step-parents and future in-laws even if they have personalities that unnerve you....it could be far worse. Just imagining your wedding day without them could bring you to gratitude for who they are now, warts and all, unwelcome suggestions and all. Instead of fuming over their habits, you could feel blessed to hear their voices stating those unwelcome suggestions.

Over on my Ask The Wedding Etiquette Expert message board, we've been discussing wonderful ways to invite your friends, sisters and cousins to be bridesmaids. From presenting them with roses, jewelry for the wedding day, a surprise champagne toast, and dinner, this invitation starts your planning process off in a very special way.

Now the key to keeping that special feeling so that you all share a peaceful planning process is making sure you regularly show appreciation for your bridesmaids' work in helping to create your special day. So on a regular basis, send out pretty thank you e-cards or print cards no matter how small their contributions of ideas or suggestions of vendors. Appreciation is the key to maintaining a peaceful planning group.

If you need to say No to a thoughtful suggestion -- which many brides say can be overwhelming when everyone wants to help so much -- is to respond right away with a 'thanks for offering, but I found my favors last week!' And then follow that up with a suggestion that the great idea be used for the wedding breakfast or another element of the day. "Everyone will love your great idea!" will make your bridesmaid beam.

Key #2 is not to get too far ahead. You don't need to start peppering them with your wishes for their open-toed shoes a year in advance. Stick to the tasks at hand right now.

Key #3 is to share the credit. Bridesmaids LOVE it when you include their helpfulness, creativity and input on your wedding blog or personal wedding website or talk highly about them to friends and family.

Key #4 is to use good etiquette by letting them know exactly what their roles are, and what will *not* be expected of them, such as paying for their own lodging or throwing a bachelorette party if you don't want one. Bridesmaids love having the relief of knowing they won't have to spend a fortune.

And Key #5 is to let them know they can call you any time with questions or if they need help with anything. When you show at Minute One that you're going to be a Dream Bride, your entire group is far more likely to be a harmonious planning circle all the way through.

As you plan your future together right now, it's GOOD to disagree on some things, and even to fight it out...but there are two essential truths that will bring you peace, even while you're in a heated debate with your partner [or anyone else].

1. It's important to stand up for yourself. Those who brag about never having fights with their partners are either lying, or one of them is being too agreeable all the time [and will soon blow his or her lid over the smallest conflict]. When you stand up for yourself, you earn your own self-respect, and your partner gets valuable information about what you need, what you don't want, and where you're misunderstanding him. Fights might not be pretty, and we can really sling some arrows during an argument, but it's an essential verbal tool for building a great relationship. And it leads to other essentials like compromise, and apology.
2. Disagree with compassion in your heart. You're not trying to win. You're trying to find a solution with the person with whom you disagree. Gandhi said, "Don't bring your opponents to their knees. Bring them to their senses." The goal is communication, not domination. So work on your disagreement style, dial down your argument style. You're not in a boxing ring knocking out teeth, you're passionate about the point you're trying to make to your fiance, your parents, your friend. Is it really winning when you hammer them with insults and razor-sharp debate skills that make them feel inadequate? Is it really winning when you're being condescending? No, that's a loss.

In the book "100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships," by David Niven, PhD, one of his quoted studies says, "People who maintain a compassionate spirit during disagreements...considering not just the virtue of their position but the virtue of their partner, have 34 percent fewer disagreements, and their disagreements last 59 percent less time." [Attributed to Wu, 2001].

It seems counterintuitive, but fighting well -- fighting with a loving spirit, fighting with the solution in mind -- will ultimately bring you both more peace...because you'll get to a solution for each conflict sooner. You won't have the same fight over and over again, neither of you budging because you want to 'win.' Nah, a great argument is like a great rainstorm. Everything's so clean and fresh afterward. And everything can grow so much better.

Holding on to a grudge is just a waste of energy, so why wreck your wedding planning time with worries about a family feud or lingering resentments over sibling rivalry? It's far better for your own well-being to drop the grudge and start over with a clean slate. A wedding is a great time for a reconciliation with a parent, a step-parent, a sibling or a friend, so check out On the Couch With Gail Saltz for some terrific insights on why making up is wise to do.

You could get a wedding gift of much greater value when peace is restored to your family...sometimes you need to be the goodwill ambassador and allow harmony back into your world.

Of course this applies for garden variety resentments, not any cases where there is emotional abuse, cruelty, or betrayal. In those cases, aim for a peaceful co-existence where you release the anger but keep a healthy distance. Some people are not supposed to be a close part of your life...

Share your story in the Comments here...are you trying to find a way to forgive and forget, for the sake of your own wedding peace?

Actually, Fiance Appreciation Day isn't a real holiday. There's no Hallmark card section for this one, and no one gets the day off of work. It's just a nice 'holiday' to establish between the two of you -- or as a surprise for your sweetie -- for a little bit of romance, or some laughs, a dinner out...whatever would make your partner feel most appreciated. A key cause of stress between brides and grooms is that one person feels ignored, unheard, unimportant...and then that builds up into a snarky comment or a fight over something minor. So ward off the build-up by planning an ultra-thoughtful evening, even if it's just writing a love note or suggesting some intimate time.

And if you do write a love note or propose a toast before dinner, be sure to make it all about your relationship , not all about the wedding. Grooms say they hate the tunnel-vision their brides get, only wanting to talk about the wedding plans. It's a BIG investment in your harmony as a couple when you avoid the wedding topic today and share your thoughts about how lucky you are to have met such a wonderful person, and how thrilled you are for every moment you get to spend together.