Of all the posts in my blog, I hope you'll forward this one to all of your engaged friends...it's that important to Planning in Peace. And to a happy future together.

When you bring up the topic of the wedding plans, how does your groom make you feel? Like you're talking to a wall? Like he doesn't care? Like his ideas are better than your ideas?

Grooms, when your brides talk about the wedding, how do they make YOU feel? Like you're being lectured or talked down to? Like it's only a courtesy that you're being asked, since she already has the plans set? Since you don't know a lot about bands and deejays, do you feel inadequate?

When you make a suggestion, does your partner joke about how you're always too detail-oriented or a control freak?

Your partnership depends on how you make each other feel. Ideally, if I asked you how your partner makes you feel, you'd say "valued" "important" "heard" "like my happiness is a priority of his/hers." Unfortunately, there are too many couples out there whose answers are "I feel like I'm in this alone" or "She talks to me like I'm 6 years old" or "I'm just paying for the wedding." Those negative feelings are what drives couples apart. They take the fun out of planning, and they take the confidence out of the tremendous life change of getting married.

So here's a way to focus on this ultra-important issue...change the way you speak to your partner. Instead of sniping about his attitude, replace that with, "I'd really like to feel like we're full partners in this, that my ideas are considered even if we don't decide to use them" or "I know you know a lot about wedding planning, but this is all new to me and I'm feeling a little lost. So can we focus on one thing at a time so that I can read up on it first and then give you some suggestions?"

Focus on the solution. What can you say that's going to let your partner know how you're feeling *without* pouring fuel on the embers by phrasing it with blame?

Part 2: Come right out and say what you need. "I know that you love to joke about things, but can you not joke about my suggestions for the ceremony? It's really important to me, and I'd love to get some realistic ideas down on paper."

Now here's another perk to examining how you make each other feel. You might have an argument about it, and that's GOOD. It clears the air and brings out that statement that you've been holding inside. It hurts in the moment, but the issue is right there on the table for you to work on as a couple. It can be shocking to find out that your fiance has felt like you talk down to him, and after you think on it for a while, maybe you do. Even if you don't feel like you do, that's how HE feels, and it's going to become a bigger problem for him if you keep doing it. So the action step is to watch how you phrase things. It's all about being sensitive to what your partner needs, so that you always make each other feel fully loved and adored. Discovering how your partner wants to feel is a big part of intimacy, and a great gift you can give each other.