If there's a bride or groom out there who hasn't snapped at a partner, a parent or a vendor at some point during the planning, it's as rare as a unicorn. We all have our bad days, and when we have bosses on our butts rushing us to deadline, bills piling up, deadlines looming, and people chiming in with critiques of our wedding plans -- or requests for us to add just five more people to the guest list -- something's gotta give.

So, brides and grooms, give each other Amnesty for any snappy comebacks or sarcastic remarks at this time. You don't want to hurt each other, and that's not your intention. It's just that you've hit a breaking point and you're frustrated....so sometimes your statement comes out with a little bit of an edge. Which, if you don't embrace a policy of empathy and amnesty for your pressure-filled partner, you'll turn it into a big, big problem. What usually comes next is the dreaded, "Well, you always talk to me like that" or "You always get mad when you've talked on the phone to your mother." That's not loving at all.

So designate this time as a time of being gentle, knowing that snapping comes with the territory of a pressure-filled life drizzled with the flammable fuel of pressure-filled wedding planning. Let that sarcastic comment float away, and don't let it grow into an attack that stays with you or your partner.

Over on the Ask the Wedding Etiquette Expert message board, we've got some debate going on about guests who attend a wedding and don't bring a gift. The dialogue has been enlightening, with some people voicing strong opinions...about The Issue. And that's an important thing to keep in mind for your own peace, since I'm seeing that some inflamed reactions about The Issue can easily slide into being taken as personal attacks. So when you're overwhelmed and others are dialed up to Level 10 intensity, step out of the conversation for a second to remind yourself The Issue is what has everyone so up in arms. Even if they don't like how you're doing things, an intense reaction often comes from their previous experiences with The Issue. It's not always 100% about your doing something wrong, so don't take it personally and lose your sense of peace. Just focus on your goals and trust your own instincts to operate out of a sense of graciousness, good etiquette and patience in all things.

Of all the posts in my blog, I hope you'll forward this one to all of your engaged friends...it's that important to Planning in Peace. And to a happy future together.

When you bring up the topic of the wedding plans, how does your groom make you feel? Like you're talking to a wall? Like he doesn't care? Like his ideas are better than your ideas?

Grooms, when your brides talk about the wedding, how do they make YOU feel? Like you're being lectured or talked down to? Like it's only a courtesy that you're being asked, since she already has the plans set? Since you don't know a lot about bands and deejays, do you feel inadequate?

When you make a suggestion, does your partner joke about how you're always too detail-oriented or a control freak?

Your partnership depends on how you make each other feel. Ideally, if I asked you how your partner makes you feel, you'd say "valued" "important" "heard" "like my happiness is a priority of his/hers." Unfortunately, there are too many couples out there whose answers are "I feel like I'm in this alone" or "She talks to me like I'm 6 years old" or "I'm just paying for the wedding." Those negative feelings are what drives couples apart. They take the fun out of planning, and they take the confidence out of the tremendous life change of getting married.

So here's a way to focus on this ultra-important issue...change the way you speak to your partner. Instead of sniping about his attitude, replace that with, "I'd really like to feel like we're full partners in this, that my ideas are considered even if we don't decide to use them" or "I know you know a lot about wedding planning, but this is all new to me and I'm feeling a little lost. So can we focus on one thing at a time so that I can read up on it first and then give you some suggestions?"

Focus on the solution. What can you say that's going to let your partner know how you're feeling *without* pouring fuel on the embers by phrasing it with blame?

Part 2: Come right out and say what you need. "I know that you love to joke about things, but can you not joke about my suggestions for the ceremony? It's really important to me, and I'd love to get some realistic ideas down on paper."

Now here's another perk to examining how you make each other feel. You might have an argument about it, and that's GOOD. It clears the air and brings out that statement that you've been holding inside. It hurts in the moment, but the issue is right there on the table for you to work on as a couple. It can be shocking to find out that your fiance has felt like you talk down to him, and after you think on it for a while, maybe you do. Even if you don't feel like you do, that's how HE feels, and it's going to become a bigger problem for him if you keep doing it. So the action step is to watch how you phrase things. It's all about being sensitive to what your partner needs, so that you always make each other feel fully loved and adored. Discovering how your partner wants to feel is a big part of intimacy, and a great gift you can give each other.

Everyone has suggestions. Why don't you have a big family picture table at the entrance to the reception? Why don't you have a Belgian waffle bar? Why don't you get an ice cream cake that the kids will enjoy?

The idea of changing anything about your wedding day plans can wind you in knots, especially if you'd like to include family suggestions but all of your plans are set. And you're very attached to them. Yes, you want others to be included, so you don't want to be the Queen of No.

Here's your solution...

Bring all of those ideas into the many other wedding weekend events that will take place. You might be so focused on the actual wedding day that you forget the many, many possibilities open for:
* Bridal showers
* Bridesmaid lunches
* Wedding weekend dinners and cocktail parties, picnics and parents' friends' get-togethers
* The rehearsal dinner
* The after-party
* The morning-after breakfast
* And now the new trend of the day-after socializing. After the early-morning breakfast, out of town guests may choose to stick around and not rush home, in order to spend more time with family and friends.

So, your response to that flood of great ideas: "That sounds terrific....let's figure out which event it will be best for. That Belgian waffle bar would be terrific at the after-party." Or "Ooooh, even better...let's have the family photo table at the couples shower so that we don't have to worry about shipping all those family photos home after the reception." With your enthusiasm going strong, you find a solution, the suggestion-maker beams at becoming a part of the wedding weekend, and you don't have to sacrifice any part of your wedding day dreams.

And for those ideas that are *so* not you, encourage the suggester to use that great idea at her own upcoming family celebration, or during the family holiday dinner.

You know the old saying...no need for me to finish it here.

A strange thing happens when the multi-faceted task of wedding planning stretches your brain in too many directions and you're overwhelmed with tasks and others' input...you can start to guess at what's behind other people's behavior and comments. If a bridesmaid seem snippy or doesn't return calls, you might assume that she's bitter about the wedding since she's single, and maybe she's still hung up on that loser ex-boyfriend of hers, so that's why she's not returning your calls. While you're getting steamed over her behavior, she's actually off at a business conference in Aspen and is working her butt off while her boss is micromanaging her.

I read a wonderful passage in a book -- and I wish I could remember the author! -- but she summed up the antidote to assuming things. It was late-night and her daughter was three hours late getting home. She could 'paint' her situation as 'mother pacing frantically while daughter is surely in the hospital getting facial reconstruction surgery, and the police were certain to show up at her door with their hats in their hands' or she could 'paint' that moment in time as 'mother sitting in chair awaiting the safe return of her daughter.' Assumption is a horrible 'painter,' the creator of horrific scenarios that throw you into a tailspin. So try to 'paint' a narrowed-down description of what's going on in the moment without ending the sentence with a negative explanation. For instance...

If your bridesmaid isn't returning your calls, your new message could be 'Bridemaid with busy life needs a few days to return calls.'

If your future in-laws were a little bit icy to you when you attended a family dinner, your new message could be, 'in-laws were having a bad day' instead of 'they hate the idea of us getting married.'

Boil it down to the facts. The bridesmaid does have a busy life, and the in-laws were having a bad day. Sorry to sound harsh here, but it needs to be said: when people act distant or snappy, it's not always about you. And that's great news...a realization that can keep you from causing a fresh, new problem on top of their existing issues.

The invoice has just shown up in the mail...it's time to pay that 50% for your reception, or your florist's next deposit fee, the next installment for your photographer's fee...and the sheer enormity of that dollar amount can knock you right off your feet. Whether you're the one opening the checkbook, or you have to hand the bill to your parents, big-money days are a drain on everyone's peace of mind. Especially in the first few months when you don't have anything tangible to look at, no gown or cake or favor samples, when it seems like all you're doing is writing checks or whipping out the Visa card. You haven't gotten into the fun stuff yet, so of course it's going to drag you down a little to see sooo much money flowing away from you.

Yesterday was a Deposit Due day for us, and that was a quiet time at the dinner table. Reality can pack a punch. Something about The Money bubbles up a lot of worries, especially when you've got a calculator in your head and each bill is turning into a cartoon-type rendering of 'that would be an entire fall wardrobe' or 'that would be a trip to Bermuda' or 'that was what a semester cost at college.'

I could tell you to shake it off, focus on the positive of what that money will bring to you, but you know what? It DOES drag you down a little, and sometimes you just have to allow yourself a few hours of recovering from that blow to your coffers. I'm taking a few hours this morning to watch a mindless movie on cable, take a lavender bath [with full gratitude to my fiance Joe for hunting down my brand of bath oil at the store as a groom kindness to his bride], brew some pomegranate tea, and read a magazine. Because the money issue will stay with me as long as I let it. Any minute now, the phone could ring with a new book deal. Last night, one of my editors assigned me two articles, and I haven't even celebrated that yet. Whatever your personal opinion of positive thinking gurus and the law of attraction, it *is* a smarter strategy to just decompress on money due days and expect a little windfall or a modest engagement gift check in the mail. If you don't get sucked down by big dollar signs, you stay mobile and upbeat and ready to take steps to bring in more abundance.

It IS okay to register the wallop of big money due days. Just don't stay down for long. There's so much else out there that's waiting for you to enjoy.

Just a quick reminder that in a time of great receiving, as is approaching with your wedding, you do the world a great favor by giving a little back. Now, we all know that charitable registries are on the rise, and many couples are opting to make a donation to charity as part of their favors (donation made + a little take-home gift), and that's wonderful! But in any given day during your planning, especially when you need a boost, grab one of those charity solicitations that show up in the mail every day and see how you can throw a little good out there. Even the smallest action makes a difference, and you become a part of something much bigger than the wedding.

Where can you make a difference in your world?

Don't you HATE it when you tell someone what's bothering you -- perhaps asking them for their understanding or a request on something for the wedding -- and they dismiss everything you're saying with that line? This little gem has caused many a meltdown among already-stressed brides, so let's turn this one around and defuse it. When your groom, a parent, a bridal party member, pushy wedding guest or snooty wedding vendor answers your request with a verbal smackdown like this one, here's a comeback that works:

"You're absolutely right. I am being emotional, because (your disinterest/late payment/comment) is really upsetting me. So instead of stating the obvious and logical, how about we start talking about a solution here?" Delivered with a smile, of course.

Now if that person really doesn't want to talk about a solution, or apologize for that comment or late payment, they'll find another way to throw you off your game in the moment. If you get another stall tactic, don't look at it as a brick wall. It's just a time-out, one that you call. Just say, "Okay, I can see you're not in the mood to talk solutions, so we'll connect soon on this." Then either change the subject or depart for better company, and give this person a call on another day. You may find that they're not going to try to disarm you this time, since you have their number. You just sidestepped the insult and returned to your goal, all the while being a peaceful, calm and rational bride with a talent for getting things accomplished.

As for the "You're just being emotional" comment....who would want to be a bride without emotions?

If you're like most brides-to-be, they're probably scrunched up by your ears. It's the strangest feeling when you focus on where your shoulders are...how unnatural it can feel when you consciously relax them....seems like they come down 4 inches, right? Carrying that tension around isn't good for you, and remedying the situation is one of the best tasks your groom inherits. It's time for nightly massages, the Rx factor of the bride-to-be.

So go out there and find some pretty-scented massage oils -- lavender, orange ginger and vanilla are my personal favorites -- and tell your groom that massages are a part of your Peaceful Bride routine now. He may relish the chance to get his hands on you, you might offer massages in return, you can alternate nights (or alternate body parts -- feet one night and shoulders another)...and you don't have to set up all the candles and turn on holistic music to make this 'an event.' While you're watching TV is fine, and TV even gives you a built-in timer in case you're not up for a half-hour massage. It's just going to be from one commercial break to another.

Besides the obvious muscle relaxation work, you're connecting with each other, meeting each other's needs, and -- even better -- a happy side benefit of massages is learning even more about the sensations that please your partner. This is one daily To Do that's going to deliver results immediately...so keep it going all the way through your wedding planning era, and ever after.

How wonderful is it to walk into a bakery, a restaurant, or your parents' place and smell freshly-baked bread? It's one of those primally-relaxing scents. You just feel comforted, more at home.

So as a quickie way to turn your environment into a more peaceful, relaxing place, get out that breadmaker you registered for, or pop open that can of Pillsbury Bread dough, whip up some pumpkin bread from a mix or from scratch. And as the dough rises and browns in the oven, your place will smell amazing.

If white bread is not on your diet, then don't eat it! Wrap it up and bring it to a neighbor, or bring those crescent rolls in to work. 'Recycle' the carbs! They've done their work for you as an ambiance-shifter, so pass along the rolls or loaves to other people who will appreciate the comfort food. You've now got a great-smelling place and a fresh serving of good karma.

Grooms today are full planning partners in weddings, and as much as they value being involved with the plans, they don't want to talk about the wedding nonstop. And they definitely don't want to walk in from work after a long day, kick back to relax, and have you pounce with a long list of wedding tasks that have to be done NOW.

If you want your wedding planning process to be a peaceful one, and to really enjoy co-planning with your fiance, you'll need to rein in your enthusiasm and remember that Timing is Everything.

Grooms say they're more than happy to talk about the wedding, but they can't just mentally switch gears into planning mode. They appreciate some advance notice, and especially a request of "How about we spend a little bit of time after dinner to work on the invitations?" Grooms who write me say they're going to respond better to:

1. Advance notice
2. Knowing *exactly* what you want to talk about. They get nervous when you say "let's talk about the wedding." They'd rather get the topic of the evening, preferably one topic.
3. The right to say No, without you pouting or taking it personally.

This last one is a big one, since grooms *want* you to enjoy the wedding planning, but they love you too much to fake enthusiasm or give you a half-hearted effort. Sometimes, grooms say, they just can't focus.

So keep the peace by accepting that No, which is a very respectful and loving thing to do. You can always do the invitations tomorrow.

It's a ridiculous fight that's going on amongst the bridesmaids -- they can't agree on a gown, or they're warring about the shower plans. A great big divide has formed, and they're now two teams pitted against each other. And you're caught in the middle.

You can empathize with the bridesmaids who don't have a lot of money to devote to the wealthier Maid of Honor's ideas for the shower and bachelorette's party, but you also can see why the Maid of Honor & Co. are annoyed by the other 'team's' nasty e-mails and rudely forwarded messages, those juvenile games that bring everybody down.

Rather than spend another minute torn apart or feeling powerless over their battle, now is the time for a 'Quit It Now' e-mail sent to all of them. Here's an example of how you can put your foot down and get back to being a peaceful bride (and a peacefully co-existing bridal party): "I'm asking you all to put your differences aside, stop the arguing, and find a compromise on the gown, because having so much conflict among my closest friends and sisters is really taking the joy out of this time for me. I chose you all as members of the bridal party because I love you so much...but right now I don't love how you're behaving. Try to remember that this is a happy occasion, and I'd love for us all to get back to being on the same page. If you can't agree on the gown, then I'll choose a style for you...and I'm not above choosing a hoop skirt! So get it together, and let's all just get along. Thanks, (your name)"

The humor dilutes the fact that you're scolding them, but you're making it clear that they're wrecking your happiness. If they continue with the divisive battle, just tell them you don't want to hear a thing about it. You're not going to be the referree. Then make sure you're spending time with more positive people on a regular basis.

Every now and then, take a day off. Plan a completely do-nothing day with no tasks to accomplish, no errands to run, no calls to make nor e-mails to return. And definitely no wedding planning.

We all need downtime, even though it seems counterintuitive to hear that doing nothing now will make you better able to do more later. But that is so true.

Pick a day coming up, perhaps a weekend day, and claim it as My Day Off. You're going to stay in your pajamas, watch television or movies, catch up on reading a book, flip through all of those terrific catalogs that are showing up in your mailbox, take a bath, put on a facial masque, drink some green tea...whatever says Day Off to you.

You won't check e-mail or answer the phone...you're just going to turn off the world and everything in it. This 24 hours is for you (or 12 hours if you'd rather start small). And for your groom if he wants to re-charge as well. I love the quiet intimacy of reading in my cozy chair while my fiance is reading on the couch. In the quiet of those hours, we're fully together even if we're immersed in our books.

Peace is only found when you turn off the noise, get comfy, and just relax. You can get back to your To Do list tomorrow....

So don't let their doom and gloom commentary get to you. When a friend or sibling or parent has a critique of your wedding ideas, it can deflate you. You never saw it coming, and you're hurt and confused. "WHY would she say that?" It would be laughable for me to tell you not to take it personally. If something hurts, it hurts. And that comment may or may not have been meant to injure, so the best way to handle these arrows that are launched at you is to:

1. Chalk it up as a bad habit that this person has. If you think about your past conversations, you may notice a pattern. She's 90% criticism. It's a hobby. It's just your turn in the crosshairs.
2. Don't add fuel to the comment by talking about it to everyone. That just makes the hurt bigger, because you're re-hashing the injury a dozen times and not letting it fade away.
3. Deliver a good one-liner: "Ah, I can see you're in a bad mood, so let's talk about something else." And if she continues to whine about other things, get off the phone or get out of the room. This person is just a downer that you don't need to be near right now.
4. Don't give her too much authority over your decisions. Some brides are less than confident about the choices they make for the wedding -- which is pretty understandable with so many options out there -- and all it takes is one person saying, "Well, do you think that's a little too much?" to infuse doubt. Make it a mantra that everyone has an opinion, and no one else's opinion should color what you do. This one takes practice, so expect to try it out a bunch of times before you master it.
5. Catch yourself if you're becoming a negative person. It's easy to slide into the habit and not even realize it...so check your recent conversations for the Whine Factor. And correct your course by speaking only positives. Some couples keep their perspective by having dinnertime conversations about the Three Great Things That Happened Today. This 'exercise' keeps you both from the habit of venting, and keeps your relationship as a happy, peaceful place to be.

Yes, you want to share the excitement of your planning with your parents, friends and colleagues, but there's a big danger to your peace level when you say too much too soon.

If you tell your parents about your plans to have a big seafood buffet at the cocktail hour, and then a few weeks later change your mind about that sounded-good-at-the-time idea, you might be on the receiving end of an interrogation. "Why did you decide against the seafood buffet?" "But we already told everyone about the seafood buffet!" "Why do you keep changing your mind about everything?" See how it works? You're wide open for a stream of questioning and criticizing, even if it's not ill-intentioned. It's just feedback that robs you of your peace, because now you're mad that you're being questioned. You should be allowed to change your mind, right?

Spare yourself the frustration of this feedback by keeping quiet about your specific wishes, ideas and future plans until they're booked and in the works. That cuts out so much of the unwelcome commentary and keeps your wedding discussions on a harmonious level that adds to your joy.

And grooms say they appreciate this advice too, since they don't get cornered by their parents about how you changed your mind on some plan or other. Grooms then avoid being in the hot seat, needing to defend you against unfair charges of being flighty, and that's a great gift to your man as well.