Planning in Peace: Sharon Naylor's blog to being a harmonious bride at iVillage.com

We've all gotten so used to time-saving methods, haven't we? We dash off a text or send an e-mail when we have a message for our bridesmaids or even for our wedding coordinator and vendors...and what can sometimes result is confusion. And a very unnecessary level of stress.

If I sent you this text: "Did U send in your dress $ yet?", you have no idea if I'm angry that you haven't. You just have a text sent at 11pm on a Friday night, and you might even think that I've had a few drinks before I sent it.

So for the sake of peace and stress-free planning, pick up the phone for the majority of your questions and suggestions to your bridesmaids and others. Yes, electronic communication is fast and easy, but no one gets to hear your voice, and you miss out on the phone-call progression that allows your friend to hear the smile in your voice. You miss hearing the excitement in her voice, and you miss out on a fun, twenty-minute conversation about her latest adventures in dating the New Guy. Connecting with your friends is important now, so make an effort to do it voice-to-voice, even if you are asking about her late payment for the dress. Hey, hearing you happy on the phone could get her to open that checkbook faster than if she got frightened by what seems like a scary, angry, late-night text!

When you have bickering bridesmaids, and there doesn't seem to be any way you can get them to agree on plans, you can't get one to show up for shopping trips, one has a bad attitude, and another *hates* your sister over something that happened years ago, there's one question to ask yourself:

Would these women be friends with each other, independent of their relationship with me?

Some people are just too different to get along. They're never going to work well together because their personalities clash. You can't make them all love each other.

And that's great news! You can stop stressing yourself out over your fantasy of having a bridal party that becomes best friends, and you'll all hang out together in the future, go on vacations together, etc. Just forget about that. You'll find that if you just keep your focus on what needs to get done for the wedding, you'll have a LOT more strength of your own, because you're not striving for something that's not realistic.

While it would be nice if they all worked together well, it might be that they have to be civil to each other, co-exist the best they can, and then be done with each other after the wedding. They'll all still be important to you, but it's not going to be a mini sorority. You'd be surprised at how much energy some brides put into trying to achieve that.

So let go. And let the peace flow back into your planning experience.

Uh oh. Your bridesmaids are arguing about the budget for your bridal shower (or bachelorette party) -- something you're not supposed to play a part in planning -- and it's getting ugly. Again, this group of very different women has to team up for a common goal -- the success of a party in your honor -- and you can see that they're not gelling.

Rather than step in as the peacemaker, or try to take control away from all of them, you may just have to sit back and let them figure it out. They're adults who have to find their own compromises. This is where the Maid of Honor comes into play. When you hear that there's conflict among the bridesmaids over your party, suggest to your Maid of Honor that she take the reins and set down some boundaries. MOH's are sometimes scared to take an authority position, especially when it comes to your sisters, friends and your groom's sisters, but you can encourage yours to stop the madness with an e-mail to all, reminding them that this party is in your honor, and that compromises can be reached through better communication. She can ask them to e-mail HER with questions or concerns, and she'll get right on it. [Sometimes battles occur because 'your side' complains among themselves while the groom's sisters who don't know the MOH and don't want to complain to you talk amongst themselves.] you can help solve the problem by giving the MOH permission to name herself the head of the team. Here's a note for her to send, if she wishes:

"Hello all! I just wanted to touch base about the shower plans. I understand there's some concern about the budget, so I'm going to look into hosting the party at a different location. It doesn't look like we can comfortably afford the catering bill at the country club, so an at-home party will likely be a better solution for us. In the meantime, let's talk about some great budget ways to handle the invitations, the cake and other fun details. And let's think about what (bride) would enjoy the most when it comes to games. E-mail me with your questions or suggestions anytime, and we'll all work together to make this party great for (bride)! Or, call me at (number) on the weekends. Have a great day!"

Your MOH will return the focus to this party being for YOU, and no one can complain about being invited to participate in the planning.

Which brings up an important point: what if it's the MOH who's being a control freak about the party plans, and the bridesmaids consider HER the problem? You'll have to step in and tell your MOH that you appreciate everything she's doing to plan a great party for you, but you're concerned that the other bridesmaids aren't as involved as they wish to be. Never say, "You're leaving them out" or anything that would make the MOH defensive. Just state Solution Lines, such as "I thought you'd want to know that Stacy's really great at making invitations, and Barbara makes wonderful desserts. I think it would be wonderful to have their contributions to the party, and I think everyone would love the savings, too." If she says, "Well, that doesn't fit into what I've envisioned!" then you're going to have to take a tougher stand: "It wouldn't be fair to ask the bridesmaids to pay for what you're coming up with, so please just step back a little and work with them as a team. I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about you or misinterpret what you're doing. I know you just want to plan a great party for me, but I'm sensing they're feeling a little bit left out."

That part about 'getting the wrong idea about you' usually stops the control freak. Because a control freak wants to be....in control, and admired for her work. A good friend can give this warning and get good results. You have to phrase it diplomatically, though. In this case, your words are very important! 

Share your stories in the comments section here...how did you get a control freak MOH to back down and share party-planning tasks better? 

Your bridesmaids might have strong opinions about what they will wear for your wedding, and while you know that bridesmaids can choose a design that flatters them best, such as one bridesmaid wearing a strapless top while another wears a halter to support her better, sometimes that's not enough to silence the bickering.

Your bridesmaids might have an issue with the color you've chosen. One might say the color washes her out, while the other feels she'd never be able to wear that color of dress again. And the other four *love* the color you want. So what do you do in this situation? You know you can't try to please everyone, but you're in an awful spot here. You don't want to force your bridesmaids to buy a dress they hate, and you definitely don't want your bridal party split into warring factions -- The Pink Team vs. The Blue Team. It seems like a problem that cannot be solved, and the bridesmaids are getting steamed.

First, stop the discussion right now. Send out an e-mail to all of your bridesmaids that says -- very diplomatically -- "Okay, I'm sensing that we have some conflict about the dress color." You've just taken a very important first step: you avoided naming names or making a blame statement like, 'Since you all can't agree on a dress color....' You've taken control back and stopped the e-mail war between them.

Here's your next step: "Why don't you all take a look at different shades of green that you like, send them to me via e-mail, and I'll see if we can choose one that everyone agrees on. We could also decide to have some of you in lighter green and some in darker green." This might be a longshot, especially if you really want all of your bridesmaids to match. But just mentioning this option gets THEM thinking, and you get e-mails from them showing you the lighter vs. darker tones they prefer. You then have real information with which to make your decision. Would you like the effect of some bridesmaids in lighter shades and some in darker? That could be your solution, or you could re-affirm that you want all of your bridesmaids to match, and you'll find a different shade that suits them all. The point is to get THEM to show YOU what they want, and not just argue about a concept.

Or, if everyone's bickering about your choice of red for their dresses, and everyone's saying they prefer a lighter shade, you might take some time, think about it, and decide that you can accommodate their wishes. Conflicts flare up for a reason, and when you remove the impulse to take a stand for your original color choice, thinking instead about what works best for them AND what might turn out better for you, you get to a new choice all the quicker. And you'll still be satisfied when you're honest about what you like about the color you choose.

Most often, bridesmaids fight about money. Some have it and some don't. Being in a bridal party is almost always an expensive proposition, even if you take a lot of budget shortcuts and find inexpensive dresses for them. There's still travel and lodging in some cases, shoes, showers, gifts and so on. It's a tough spot for a bridesmaid to be in when she loves you, but she doesn't have the funds to keep up with her wealthier cohorts.

So if you're getting complaints from a bridesmaid that the other bridesmaids are planning a super-expensive shower or bachalorette party, you can guide this bridesmaid as she solves her own dilemma. You don't have to step in and declare "Be nice to my money-challenged friend!" Just steer her this way:

1. "I know, my sisters and my friends can sometimes over-spend, and I totally understand how you must be feeling right now. I'm really sorry they made you feel uncomfortable."

2. "Just stand your ground and say that you can't contribute a few hundred dollars for the shower, but you can give whatever you can give, then offer to take on a planning task like doing the invitations. If you hired an invitations expert or calligrapher, it would be a few hundred dollars, after all. Tell (Maid of Honor) that you want to be a full planning partner, but if they can't change the plans to suit your budget, then you'll be happy to take on a few extra tasks to make up the difference. You would be saving them money."

3. "Make sure you decide ahead of time which tasks you want to work on, though. You don't want anyone to put setup and cleanup on you, make you cook, decorate on your own, etc. Just have a list ready to e-mail over, and tell her you'll be happy to talk with her about it. Just communicate with the Maid of Honor, though. Not everyone."

It's tough to help a bridesmaid navigate money issues in the bridal party, but this solution might be one that makes her feel better....and she'll get a lot of praise for her pretty invites or party favors!

When should you step in? It's a Must when you find that the other bridesmaids are talking about this money-challenged bridesmaid behind her back, or trashing her to you. Stand up for her with, "Are you aware of what med school/law school/college/raising a child costs? Do you have any idea how much of a financial burden she's carrying just to make her life better? In a few years, she's going to make triple your salary, so watch your karma. And please don't talk badly about my friend. You're all equals in my bridal party, and I wouldn't allow anyone to trash talk you. So knock it off, and allow her to contribute in other ways."

Make sure it's YOU who does the defending. You shouldn't hand this message through your Maid of Honor. When a problem between your bridesmaids lands at your feet, it's you who should give them a talking-to, always with the message of 'I love you all, and I would never allow anyone to treat you this way.'