Planning in Peace: Sharon Naylor's blog to being a harmonious bride at iVillage.com

If you decided to delegate some wedding planning tasks -- such as allowing your mom to research rental agencies, or having your aunt make the favors according to your design -- it would be a big mistake and a ton of extra stress if you didn't let go of those particular jobs just a little bit.

Of course, you want things to be the way you envisioned them, and most brides worry that if they hand over tasks to someone else, there's a good chance that their project is going to veer away from their request or design. Especially if you delegated to someone who has a habit of swerving things toward their own vision.

But you trusted the people you delegated to, and now it's up to you to just relax a little bit and trust that they're going to do it your way.

Instead of endlessly checking in and asking for status reports, or sending 'guiding' e-mails that basically mean you're doing the job and just telling them what to do, solve this big problem by requiring your helpers to check with you before they finalize any plans. That means that rental agency info is just to be collected right now, not booked. The favor design can be photographed and e-mailed to you before your aunt buys any materials.

It's perfectly okay to say, "Just be sure to send me the details, so my groom and I can check everything out, before you book or buy or go to any extra trouble."

Your helpers want to make you happy, and they'll appreciate your specifically asking for the final okay before anything is set in stone. Sometimes you have to state the obvious in requesting final approval.

When you send that message, that removes the issue from your plate, and the helpers you trust are able to move forward with their tasks, and you're able to sleep at night.

Trusting your helpers = Planning in Peace

I recently asked over 100 brides-to-be to name the fun Girls' Day they would plan to give themselves and their bridesmaids, friends, and sisters a chance to step away from the wedding, re-connect, laugh, enjoy a few cocktails and just be themselves.

Here are some of the phenomenal and creative plans they would make, if they could, which many of them decided they could. So they DID!

Check out these ideas for Girls' Night -- and hey, might as well invite his sisters to join in, and be a part of your big, happy circle!:

* Watching a marathon of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood [This was the most popular entry, actually! People love their Tori!]

* Sign up to walk or run a 5K for charity

* Go to a pottery or ceramics art studio, for everyone to create a lovely platter or vase for their homes

* Go to a movie, either a summer blockbuster or an indie film

* Go to a comedy club and sit right up front so that the comedian brings them into the act

* Have a pool party, catered and with a frozen daiquiri machine

* Go to an amusement park

* In the fall, go to a touristy town during its fall apple festival, walk through the orchards, go on a hay ride, shop in antique stores and eat tons of fudge

* Go to a fabulous exhibit at a museum

* Go to the strangest festival they can find. Look at www.festivals.com to find upcoming ones near you.

* Hop on a train to spend a weekend in a nearby big city, see a show, do some shopping, celebrity-watch

* Go out dancing at the club they used to go to when they were in school; it's so much different now that you're older, and you'll appreciate where you are now in life so much more!

* Go to a garden center, and everyone buy their spring, summer or fall plantings, tomato plants, herbs, and so on. As a favor, everyone gets cute gardening gloves.

* Get tickets to the hottest concert tour of the season.

* Dress up in your finest formalwear and go to the opera.

* Dress down in jeans and go to a hockey game, where there are LOTS of men for your single friends to flirt with.

* Go back to your alma mater for a tailgate party and watch a football game, like you used to during your school days.

* Sign up for a fun, evening cooking class and learn how to temper chocolate.

* Sign up for a strip-aerobics class at the gym.

* Go to a restaurant that's outside of your usual list of hotspots. Try a new cultural cuisine, be adventurous, show your daring side and maybe discover a new favorite place.

What are your ideas for a fabulous Girls' Day or Girls' Night Out? Post them here in the comments section!

Are you the Competitive one? We started this series with Dr. Gail Saltz's article on whether or not you have a competitive relationship with your groom, but the fact remains that you might be feeling a little bit insecure if you're on a budget, or if your wedding doesn't measure up to the mega-blowout your sister had five years ago.

So let me help you with the most common cause of Competition in the bride's mindset: we're in a recession. We can't afford the kinds of weddings that people could afford a few years ago. If your sister had a $75,000 wedding, and your parents can only help you plan a $30,000 wedding or less, that's just reality and not at all a measure of who deserves more.

So don't allow yourself to feel badly about your sister getting more. It was just a different time.

And frankly, guests have just as great a time at smaller, less elaborate weddings these days. A giant spread of food that's way too much for the group to eat doesn't impress anyone as much as a delightfully detailed, personalized wedding day with great toasts, great music and fun company.

If you're prone to comparing your wedding to other people's, save your own peace and prevent arguments and hurt feelings by keeping your envy under control. Here's a journal exercise for you:

What are the non-financial parts of the day that are going to be really special? (Seeing my groom for the first time in his tux, dancing with my Dad, how gorgeous the gardens are, etc.)

Who are the people I'm so excited to spend time with on the wedding weekend?

THAT'S the big one. Just focus on the fabulous parts of your own wedding day, the people you love, the friends whose newborns you get to meet, the wonderful words of toasts and song lyrics, and you completely remove the element of what other people did at their weddings.

And if the parents are comparing two weddings and being competitive, perhaps with their own friends' daughter's wedding, share this exercise with them, too. Narrowing the view to what's most meaningful in your day shut out all of the 'design pieces' that are so easy to compare and contrast with others.

Just say it. "It's not a competition." When you have a friend or a cousin or a bridesmaid who's getting ultra-annoying about comparing every detail of your wedding to her past or upcoming Big Day, sometimes stating this fact is all you need to do to shut them up.

I hear about so many good-natured brides who get sucked into the drama, wanting their friend or cousin or bridesmaid to feel better about themselves, that they'll stay in the conversation, assuring that person that her flowers were so gorgeous, or that there's no way their cake will be better than her cake was - just trying to be nice. I'm all for being nice, but I'm not all for volunteering to puff up someone else's ego at the expense of your peace.

It's all in the delivery. Just smile and say, "It's not a competition. Your wedding is going to be fabulous. Now, which movie would you like to go see tonight?" or some other such change of topic. When you refuse to get sucked into the competition chat, the reassurance Olympics, you save your own sanity.

You hear it all the time..."She's just jealous" or "Don't pay any attention to the mean things she's saying." But when your sister, your mom, his mom, or anyone else who's being competitive and Mean Girls-like really zings you, it hurts! And it's a rare person who can just ignore it totally, like it never happened.

But here's what you can do for your peace: just feel sorry for them. Because a competitive nature - when it goes to the point of resenting you and trying to bring you down - is the sign of a very unhappy, very unfulfilled person who has some hollow places in her life.

I've struggled in the past with competitive meanies who I felt were stepping down on me, but once I realized that they're feeling small, I changed the image. They were now harmless mini-meanies trying to pull me down with them.

I get steamed, no doubt about it. But once I can click onto that image, and whip up a sense of understanding about what's so lacking in someone who needs to just be mean, I feel a lot better.

It just means they have some growing up to do. And if you don't make them larger than life, that means you get to stay in your peace, and they can just simmer over why they're not able to bring you down. To a competitive, mean person, that translates into 'losing.'

Your sister has always been competitive with you, so of course she's going to turn the dial up to Level 10 now that you're in the spotlight, everyone's happy for you, you're getting parties and gifts and your dream day. What can you do about it?

Not much.

Sorry to say, but you're not going to be able to get her to change. She's not going to all of a sudden become a secure person who's joyful for you...even if you think she should be. After all, her life is golden. She has the beautiful house, the loving husband, the gorgeous kids, a fabulous career, her health... it really doesn't matter. Some people are just so used to being competitive, and trying to drag others down, that they really don't see any reason to change. I hope your sister can grow up a little bit, especially now, but don't bet on it.

Here's what you can do. When you're with her, don't talk about the wedding incessantly. She might take it as your rubbing your happiness in her face, which is not your intention, but insecure people take things strangely sometimes. This isn't to doormat yourself or give in to her. It's for your Peace. Why give her an opportunity to say something cutting or rude? Why invite her to wreck your day? If you have to talk about a reality show or what her kids are up to these days, benign conversation is probably best. When you do need to talk to her about the wedding, that's one thing. But she'll be less of a drain on you if you're able to focus on other things sometimes.

I'm sure you've dealt with ultra-competitive people at some point in your life, and maybe you are the one who likes to compete.

As we start this new series on how Competition is a killer to your sense of planning in peace, I'd love for you to check out this terrific article by The Today's Show's Dr. Gail Saltz.

It focuses on whether or not you have a too-competitive relationship with your groom, what might be behind it, and how you can ease up on the need to 'win.' Are you stealing your own peace by being competitive with him? And with your friends, sisters and bridesmaids? This is one topic to think about at length, maybe journal on, and please do post your stories on how you might be a little too competitive right now...

The best way to hit the release valve on all that wedding planning stress is to get back to the core of why you're in wedding planning mode in the first place! Your relationship!

Most grooms say they miss their brides during the crazy, stressful wedding planning months. You're anxious and angry, and he's just trying to stay out of the way. You don't want to be the target of this comment:

"I know, I know. Wedding planning is stressful, but I never knew she could be so mean when she's upset. I kind of lost some respect for her, and I don't know if I'll ever forget the way she spoke to my sister."

Wedding season words last forever.

So plan a romantic date, a weekend getaway, an overnight stay at a nearby hotel, a day trip to the beach or the mountains, so that you can let that wedding stress evaporate before you say or do something that's going to stay with your groom for a looooong time.

Don't apologize too much! Yes, we all know that the economy is tough, people are busy, and being involved in your wedding is an investment of the things people don't seem to have enough of: time and money. It can make you feel bad when you have to ask your parents, bridal party and groom to fulfill tasks for the wedding...but don't become an Over-Apologizing Bride.

When you go overboard with the apologies, it can seem like you're being a martyr, that the apologies aren't real, and you're going overboard in the 'aren't I wonderful?' department. That's so annoying!

Those who have agreed to participate in your wedding know that these are the things they agreed to, and unless you're truly putting people out by changing the wedding date, location, dresses or other plans that have already been set, save the apologies for when they're truly needed.

Don't feel bad that you're in a happy time of your life. If you have friends who are unhappily single, you might feel strange talking to them about your dream wedding. That's in your mind, though, because true friends enjoy hearing you happy! Singles tell me they get mad when the bride starts off every conversation with an apology: "That's a dead giveaway that she feels sorry for me and it's an insult that she thinks I'd be mad about talking about her wedding!"

I know you have good intentions, but moderation is key.  

What happens when a parent is your most difficult planning partner, a control freak, a critique monster, and very much a stealer of your peace? While it would be great to have one of those sweetie-pie moms or moms-in-law, we don't always win the mom lottery...and some moms just freak out over wedding plans. They become uncharacteristically bossy or tense or panicked, and they lash out.

And then they don't apologize.

So what do you do to get back to Planning in Peace when you're stuck working with a mom who treats you badly and then doesn't care enough to apologize decently? You have to be direct. But respectful. Which can be very, very difficult. But essential.

Here's a line that can work quite well: "(Name), I know there's a lot of change going on, the wedding plans are taking a lot out of all of us, things are expensive, and it's stressful. But I really have to ask you not to call me names or criticize what we want for the wedding."

Offending Parent is going to be shocked that you're taking charge like this, and may try to minimize the impact, saying you're over-sensitive.

That's their favorite comeback, it seems.

Your comeback: "True. Maybe I am being over-sensitive." Aha! You're not taking the bait of leaping into defending yourself, which would swerve the conversation into what you're doing wrong! "I'd just like for us all to plan in peace, and when this wedding is over, not have any regrets."

You've just given the parent something to think about. Don't lay down ultimatums, such as saying you'll soon be in charge of whether or not you'll spend holidays with them, or if they'll ever see their grandchildren. That's starting a war, getting into a power struggle.

Just rise above, stay calm, be diplomatic, and express that you want to plan together with the parents, and you want to establish a great relationship going forward. That's how diplomats do it. They emphasize the positive and get the focus back on the goals.

How are you handling a difficult parent who won't apologize? We all know parents have their own hot buttons, and here's a strategy that can help: if it's your groom's parent who's causing the problems, ask your groom to help you with your wording. Don't hand the dilemma to him. It's important that you address the parent directly and show him or her that you can stand up for yourself, that you have good intentions, and that you're not afraid to ask for a positive change.

It'll take time. People don't snap into better behavior overnight. But you'll be on your way.