Planning in Peace: Sharon Naylor's blog to being a harmonious bride at iVillage.com

It's all about showing your groom you love him, so when you're watching your favorite sitcom/reality show/football game, just slip off his socks, grab a little lotion, and give him a footrub. The foot has tons of nerve endings, especially on the sides of the foot and right under the toes, so take your time working those feet until you see his eyes start to half-close because he's so relaxed. Just make sure he doesn't have a huge kick reflex if something exciting happens in that football game! You don't want a bloody nose or black eye!

I treat my husband's feet to a good rubbing almost every night, and when he sees me get the big, soft pillow to put on my lap, he's whipping off those socks in no time.

Real men DO love footrubs, and this is an easy, spontaneous treat for him. If he's ticklish, skip the feet and do his calves. Guys say they loooove this.

Let's call this week's series the Little Sweetness For Your Groom file...reminding you that you're going to be the bride because you have a wonderful groom who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. With all of the excitement surrounding the wedding, gift registry, searching for your gown, sharing hundreds of texts and Tweets with your friends, he might just be feeling forgotten. As one groom said, "I'm on the sidelines. She said Yes, and it was like 'who are you?'"

That's something you'd like to avoid.

So here's today's Little Sweetness for your guy....the next time you're in the car together, stall a little bit before you get out. Leave an I Love You card on the seat for him to discover during his commute tomorrow. It will mean the world to him that you made a little plan to tell him he's special.

I love Dr. Niven's book series, and this book never fails to get me back in the right perspective. He takes a little bit of common sense and mixes it with fascinating scientific studies, and you'll feel better after just a few pages. Here's a description from Amazon:

Scientists and academics have spent entire careers investigating what makes people happy. But hidden in obscure scholarly journals and reports, their research is all too often inaccessible to ordinary people. Now the bestselling author of the 100 Simple Secrets series distills the scientific findings of over a thousand of the most important studies on happiness into easy-to-digest nuggets of advice. Each of the hundred practices is illustrated with a clear example and illuminated by a straightforward explanation of the science behind it to show you how to transform a ho-hum existence into a full and happy life.

• Believe in yourself: Across all ages, and all groups, a solid belief in one's own abilities increases life satisfaction by about 40 percent, and makes us happier both in our home lives and in our work lives.

• Turn off your TV: Watching too much TV can triple our hunger for more possessions, while reducing our personal contentment by about 5 percent for every hour a day we watch.

Get your copy here. 

I've been a fan of Daylle Deanna Schwartz for ages, and now I'm so excited to share with you her new book, which is going to help you so much if you're a 'Nice Girl' and have that People-Pleaser mentality that even Oprah has said she's struggled with. As you plan your wedding, you're probably going to feel torn between being 'Nice' and flipping out when a mom or bridesmaid makes 'requests' or gives you a tough time. People-Pleasers suffer from a lot of resentment and simmer over conflicts for a long time, so pick up Daylle's book and save yourself with the knowledge that Nice Girls Can Finish First! You'll use these skills in your marriage, at work, in life...which is a fabulous thing!

Many women believe that nice girls get less. They see being nice as a weakness, not as the strength it can be. But there's a BIG difference between being nice and being a People Pleaser or DoorMat. The People Pleasing kind of nice girls find it difficult to be expressive. They often feel used and taken for granted by others. These "nice girls" constantly mold themselves to be liked and often don't get taken seriously. So does this mean "nice girls" have to bare their claws to keep the cruel world from crushing them before they even know it?

As a former DoorMat/consummate People Pleaser, Daylle says, NO! Women do not have to be demanding and tough to get what they want. They can assert their desires and feelings with a soft, friendly tone and a smile, and still be liked and respected, what Daylle calls a Nice Girl on Top. NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST redefines the word NICE and provides tools for speaking and setting boundaries, while still being a nice person.

NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST is for every woman who has felt lousy about herself for being nice after getting taken advantage of or feeling used. And it's for women who want to feel empowered without contradicting natural instincts by being aggressive or unkind. NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST is for religious and spiritual women who go out of their way to be nice to others with a spiritual intention, but don't like the hurt feelings and anger that pleasing everyone can stoke. God wants you to be nice to yourself too!

NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST provides step-by-step methods for creating a total lifestyle that supports taming People Pleasing habits and guides women to take control of their lives. The book gives very specific tips for how to handle yourself in more effective ways by:   

• Distinguishing between being NICE and being a people pleaser/DoorMat
• Explaining how to control anger and frustration to handle yourself in ways that get better responses from others
• Offering concrete tools and techniques for modulating your voice, approaching situations with a confident attitude, using more effective words in common situations and other specific ways to get taken more seriously and get more of your needs met
• Showing why smiling and speaking in soft tones gets a point across better
• Confidence boosters for approaching situations in more effective ways.

NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST is the direct opposite of self-empowerment books that encourage women to develop a no-nonsense personality. It illustrates that women can speak softly, with a smile, and get taken seriously, by taming their people pleasing instincts to become a healthier version of nice. Women tend to get angry and complain when someone does her wrong. Daylle's motto is "EXPLAIN, DON'T COMPLAIN!" Nicely expressing a problem offers a better chance to be heard objectively. NICE GIRLS CAN FINISH FIRST gives specific tips for how to become a Nice Girl on Top in all areas of life, including:

• Setting boundaries with demanding parents
• Staying in control of yourself in romantic situations
• Getting better results from customers service representatives
• Responding to unacceptable behavior or demands from friends
• Handling work situations more effectively
• Learning how to turn down requests in ways that don't alienate
• Responding to unacceptable behavior and MUCH MORE

Daylle learned how to take control of her life and still be a very nice girl. You CAN too! This book is a roadmap to take the reins and guide your life to a happier, more satisfying place where smiles, courtesy and kindness are assets.

Order on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Nice-Girls-Can-Finish-First/dp/0071609075/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251480399&sr=8-1

At Daylle's website: http://www.daylle.com/daylle/bookinfo-nice-girls.html

Today starts a new series: some of the books I've found that will greatly help you sort through some of the 'people issues' you're having as you're planning your wedding.

Irene S. Levine, Ph.D. is a top author in the field of women's friendships, and her blog is a terrific resource for you as you handle the various challenges with your bridesmaids and with friends who might be miffed that they didn't make it into the bridal party. She offers terrific solutions for recharging your friendships and handling the sad realization that it might be time for a change.

So visit her site, check out her blog, and if your female friend issue means a breakup is in store, here's the perfect book for you:

From Irene's website about 'Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend'

"Friendships with other women are integral to our sense of happiness, health, and emotional well-being. At their best, these relationships fill our lives with love and laughter---but they can just as easily lead to intense feelings of sadness, hurt, loss, and shame that are as painful to get over as a breakup with a husband or lover.

What happens to our friendships? Why do some grow richer with time, others disappear, and others come to a crashing, often unanticipated, end? How do you tell the difference between the ones that are keepers that are definitely worth saving and the ones that should be discarded?

In an effort to understand the natural course of our friendships, I surveyed more than 1500 women of all ages, from all walks of life, to learn about their friendships, why some succeed and others fail, and how women can use every friendship, whatever the outcome, to emerge more whole.

With rapid changes in technology and the evolving roles of women, female friendships are more dynamic than ever before. Almost every woman has experienced a fractured friendship: either because she lost contact with someone who once was important to her; because she actively decided to step back from a friendship that changed; because she was unexpectedly dumped by someone else, because she decided she didn't have time for the hassles of a frenemy or toxic friendship, or because she and a friend both agreed their relationship was no longer worth saving."

http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/book

Avoid the tension, anxiety, suspicious, and fights about what happens at a traditional, drinkfest/stripper-fest bachelor or bachelorette party -- the most common pre-wedding fight between brides and grooms -- by planning something completely different! Something that everyone can attend, from the kids to the parents, even grandma!

Everyone needs a fun day out, right? Well, I've got your solution!

Go to a FanFest! Those conventions where celebrities appear, and you can talk with them, take photos with them, get autographs, and just jump up and down when you see them in person doing a Q&A onstage. I'd rather meet a celebrity than some male exotic dancer telling me to 'polish the apple' as he holds up his bicep in front of my face. Eeew! And I know I'd rather my groom meet celebrities than whoever's listed in some ad in the back of a magazine.

Here's an example: This weekend is the hot ticket TwiTour Twilight convention. Yes, it's Twilight, and all of our favorites will be there -- Ashley Greene included. This event has been sold out for months, and imagine the excitement of everyone from your flowergirls to your junior bridesmaids, all the way up to the Moms who love their Twilight when you announce that this is going to be your pre-wedding celebration! Everyone gets to sit in on a Q&A session, you may get to have brunch with the stars, meet the director of the movie, and shop like crazy -- money far better spent on Edward keepsakes than on shots of tequila!

I love these shows, for the creativity of the sets, the excited vibe in the showrooms, the chance to speak to artists and creators who are big in the news, and the thrill of getting to say, "I was there!" The same-old bachelorette party doesn't give you this kind of fun and excitement for your entire group, young and old!

For your local tour dates and the Creation Entertainment lineup of upcoming tour dates, visit their website today, and GROOMS, this means you too! You and your guys might prefer to go to a fanfest event in place of a stripper-party. I took my groom to a big fanfest featuring NFL stars, and he got to meet his hero Dan Marino. It was a great moment! And the pictures are fabulous!

These shows are often ultra-inexpensive to attend -- sometimes just $20 per person, and it's a very fun time! So check out the Twilight tour, see what else they have on tap, and get your group ready for a fun and conflict-free party!

You know what you'd like for your wedding day, and you have your plan all set. You also know what you'd like your parents and your bridal party members to do...and it may be a lot. You have it all set.

When your Mom or his Mom or anyone else pops up with a suggestion or an offer to help, it might not fit into your existing plans. So, with kindness and appreciation, you have to say No. They understand. They really do.

But what if it happens every time? They're bound to feel disappointed, and some might attribute the term 'control freak' to what is just your organized plan. We wouldn't want that.

So here's your challenge to maintain a peaceful planning group: find ways to say Yes every now and then, or present to them a section of the wedding plans where they can use their ideas. For instance, if you recognize that his mom has heard No a dozen times lately, invite her to submit a list of pictures she would like the photographer to get. They could be family group photos, or a shot of her and her son, a shot of her and her grandkids, and so on.

To keep the peace in a planning group, and to prevent those kinds of negative assumptions from those who might say you're 'stealing all the fun for yourself,' it helps to give everyone something fun to do. Now.

I'm not saying you've done anything wrong. I'd just hate for you to face any built-up resentment, gossip, hurt feelings or other dramas when all you're trying to do is run your wedding plans efficiently. Some brides say, "I was just trying to keep them from spending more money, or from having too much to do!" Those are admirable intentions! And they'll be reminded of that when you invite them into the fun a little sooner than you had planned.

It's an interesting question to ask yourself: are you saying No too often? Please share your thoughts with us in the Comments....

www.sharonnaylor.net

Bridesmaids lose their minds when the expenses start to pile up.

When they first agreed to be in your wedding party, they knew they were going to face a bunch of expenses. There's a dress to pick out, shoes to get, a bridal shower to plan. They know they'll take a financial hit, but you're so worth it!

It's when additional expenses add up over the course of the planning months that they (rightly) begin their silent (or not-so-silent) revolt. Of course, you're doing your best to keep expenses down across the board, but with your focus on so many things, you might not be fully aware of how the Bridesmaid Budget Tally is stacking up for your girls.

So few brides actually take this next step, which is why they lose sight of the money realities their maids are facing:

Make a list of what it would cost you to be your own bridesmaid.

It might look like this:

Dress: $120

Shoes: $40

Hairstyling for the wedding day: $60 for an up-do

Makeup for the wedding day: $50 if they want it, free if they don't

Manicure: $30 if they want it, free if they don't

You might not know the details of what they're spending on your shower, so just take a ballpark guest: $150 to $300 apiece, for instance

Now, here are some extras:

Travel to get to the wedding: $30 to $130, gas money or planefare

Hotel room: $99 a night, two nights needed (Ouch!)

Travel to fittings: $10 in gas money and time spent

Travel to planning meetings: $10 in gas money and time spent

Bachelorette party: $30 to $150 apiece, including limo, bar tab, food and entertainment

Photos developed: $25

Cell phone bill for a year of planning: $5 to $50

And it goes on.

If all brides took the time to list out what their bridesmaids are likely spending, there's going to be a lot more peace when they:

1. Cut out some expenses. Don't ask them to get makeup and nails done, since your asking could make them feel obligated

2. Offer to pay for their bridesmaids' hotel rooms as their thank-you gift [in addition to a cute little $15 bracelet or some other gift]

3. Don't even think about requiring them to go to boot camp with you

4. Show that you care about their money by telling them to email you with answers and responses; don't require phone calls, because you never know who has free minutes or who's facing overages

5. In this recession era, more brides are skipping the bachelorette party. Just something to think about.

6. Be open to the lower-priced dresses and shoes they find online. They don't all have to be in Vera Wang just because that's what you've always envisioned. Let them find great discounts, too.

7. Treat them nice. Invite them over for dinner or cocktails on a regular basis, without any wedding talk involved. Every bridesmaid appreciates a NICE bride!

Do you have a bridesmaid who's behaving badly? A Mom who has turned into a Momzilla with the plans? A future mother-in-law who seems unhappy about the fact that there's even going to be a wedding?

Don't bother analyzing her!

When someone's acting badly, your first instinct might be to analyze her, figure out why she's acting this way, attribute it to the fact that the bridesmaid is single, the Mom never had a wedding her way, your future mom-in-law is in a depression...and then you talk to all of your relatives and friends, becoming a panel of psychologists, diagnosing and guessing and assuming...spending hours and days talking about it, getting anxious and upset.

Why do we do this? Because we have good hearts. We're helpers. We feel empathy for those who are obviously having a tough time in life. And we want to fix it.

But you know what? If you are going to enjoy this short, exciting time in your life as you plan your wedding, you're only sucking the joy out of your own experience by devoting any time to analyzing the troublemakers in your world.

The fact is, you're not going to figure out their deal, because they probably don't even know what their deal is. And it's not your job to diagnose depression or single-sadness. Sometimes a troublemaker just wants attention, and this is a great way to get it. Or, they do have a problem, but it's up to them as responsible adults to get it treated.

I'm not saying that you should be callous or uncaring if someone is really having a problem. As the great woman you are, you'll offer your support and be gentle with them. But you won't turn their issues into the majority of your focus. Once you've reached out with a hug, you've done plenty. If they want to continue with the poor-me routine, leave them to find another audience who is not in a peak bliss time of their life.

Just look past the zinger or the pouty performance, wish them well, and move forward to share the company of people who are happy for you, joyful to participate in the wedding plans, and uplifting to you.

It is possible to think too much about those who are downers. They'll often say or do something to bring the spotlight to themselves. But how long you choose to dwell on it....that's up to you. Stopping your analysis habit...that's up to you, too!