Planning in Peace: Sharon Naylor's blog to being a harmonious bride at iVillage.com

Be easy to apologize to! If you and your groom have clashed over anything -- wedding plans, life stress, family issues, who's going to walk the dog -- don't be one of those horrid brides you see on TV who take their groom's apology and turn it around on him, completely missing the point that he's apologizing and browbeating him over what he did wrong, rehashing the argument, defending their own position. They didn't get it. The guy apologized!

Stress can cause your anger levels to go up, so keep an eye out for this sneaky downward spiral into anger-simmering, so that you don't turn into an AngerZilla who is impossible to apologize to...and is then mad that no one can apologize! Geez! No one can win with you!

I've always thought an apology is a wonderful gift, and I'm lucky to be married to a man who never lets an argument last more than ten minutes. He's easy to apologize to, and he's quick to own up when he's in the wrong. We can do that more easily now that we're not planning a wedding :)

Don't be afraid to admit you're wrong, and don't over-analyze an apology, dismissing it with "Oh, you don't really mean that," or "Sure you are" or "Riiiiight."

Do you know what comes after a great apology? A kiss, a hug, a greater feeling of closeness because you trust each other enough to work through conflict and then forgive. And, yeah, great make-up sex is often part of being easy to apologize to. Cranky, browbeating brides don't know the bliss and comfort of that. They just storm around continuing to play the victim, lashing out at the very people who love them.

Which do you want to be?

Who do you need to apologize to? That can be a tough question to ask yourself, and a tougher question to answer. After all, we never like to face up to the fact that we can behave like children sometimes, that we snapped at someone who was just trying to help.

Think back on your most recent spats with your mom, your groom, that bridesmaid who keeps calling with ideas for various DIY projects, to which you snapped, "When I decide on  favor, I'll call you, okay?!" She got you at a bad time, and you lost your cool.

It happens to every bride at some point. And we always seem to snap at the people we love the most. Sure, they might be pushy and overstepping their bounds, but as all the self-help books say, it's not what happens but how you respond to what happens that matters.

Here's the kicker: it might not even have been a super-rude thing you said. It could be that you haven't returned a bridesmaid's e-mail in over a week. You might have kept your wedding coordinator waiting a long time for your decision about the napkin rings.

It's a sign of great maturity when you can make a phone call to say, "I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. There's no excuse. I've felt awful about it, and I'd like to plan a get-together so that we can work on the plans."

There's no excuse. The best apologies are not filled with excuse after excuse, like "I was working a lot," and "'I've been so busy" or "I forgot." We're all super-busy, and loading your  apology with excuses takes the purity out of your message. Just a basic, straight-forward apology is all that's called for.

If you did snap and say something rude, add on "I really wish I didn't say that. If I could go back to that moment in time, I'd definitely do it differently." That's a powerful, effective apology that most people would love to hear!

In the classic movie Love Story, the quote "Love means never having to say your sorry" is perhaps the most famous line...and even though hopeless romantics have clung to this theory with wistful sighs and dreams of a relationship where that is true, it's -- sorry to be blunt -- complete crap.

Love does mean having to say you're sorry, because we all say and do dumb things sometimes. If you can't apologize for the insensitive thing you said or the mistake you made, you have big problems ahead.

When you're planning a wedding, you're going to be operating under stress, highly emotional, often exhausted, and dealing with the conflicting requests and sometimes challenging personalitities of a lot of other people. So chances are, you -- and they -- are going to say some dumb things. And you all had better forget about the Love Story line, because apologies are central to Planning in Peace.

Today starts my new series on the Art of the Apology. It's a tricky thing to figure out when it's warranted, how to wait for one when it's deserved, what to do when the apology doesn't come, how to word yours well.

For example, someone involved with my wedding got really mad when I wouldn't let her child perform a musical number at my wedding, and she said some pretty rotten things before hanging up on me. Did she apologize? No. She never does. I'd be a fool to expect one from her, since she's not the nicest of people. So that's my tip for today: don't expect an apology from someone who's always been insensitive. It's a huge drain on your energy, and it steals your wedding happiness, if you think that your wedding will inspire the rude and thoughtless to become better people.

Face it...sometimes the apology isn't going to come. Ever. So you'll have to find a way to remove that verbal knife from your back, feel sorry for the offender, and make it a rule to deal with that person as little as possible. What if it's a parent who never apologizes when it's called-for? That can be a bit trickier, and we'll get to that later in the series.

For now, when someone zings you, just forget about e-mailing them, demanding an apology, or having your mother call them to say what pain you're in, or sharing the story with all of your friends and your groom. If you did this, that mean person gets a charge out of the success of the insult and injury. Your peace has been stolen! You're so upset, you're talking about it to everyone! Woo hoo! As sick as it is, this can be the goal of the mean person: attention. And draining your joy away.

Sometimes selfishness means never having to say you're sorry.  Because they're not.

Don't make it about the money. At all.

When parents are involved in the wedding plans, the issue of money becomes very loaded. Those parents giving more money expect to get more control over the decisions. Those parents who have less money might feel inferior when the 'other parents' roll up in a Lexus and pick up the $700 dinner check.

The #1 tip for being happier with his mom is to take money totally out of the equation, not dole out tasks according to who's paying more, let parents participate in the planning to the degree that you're comfortable, and start establishing what will hopefully someday be a close connection between the two of you that nurtures and nourishes your entire extended family. Because you'll soon be a part of that family, and how wonderful it can be to be so cherished by the people your groom cherishes.

I'd love to hear your stories of how you're planning to bond with his Mom. Share them with us in the Comments.

Find some fun things to bond over! Find out what you have in common, from gardening to reading to American Idol. The next time you're at her house, look around to see what's on her bookshelf, what she's planted in the backyard, what's in her DVD collection. You might discover a mutual love of Lisa See's novels, or admire her raised garden bed.

And here's the great part: moms love to be useful. So ask for her advice on how to compost that raised garden bed, or for her favorite varieties of tomato plants. Ask which gardening websites she would recommend, or where she got that fabulous set of gardening tools.

You're not just planning a wedding together. You're preparing for a life together, so show her that you're interested in getting to know her. And that you respect her knowledge, are impressed by her talents, that you'd love to learn a few things from her.

I see the opposite of this all the time, and it makes me shudder: insecure brides trying to dominate the mother, bragging about how great they are at gardening and how their neighbors all envy their tomato plants, blah blah blah. Big mistake. Sure, you might think you're going to impress her into liking you, but that's not what's happening here. If you're just talking about how great you are, his mom gets the opposite message. You're not so great if you have to brag about yourself.

It's not your fault if you have a bit of this tendency. In our competitive business world, it can be second nature to want to portray yourself in an impressive light and be assertive about it. We've kind of lost our reverence for the older generations, and we don't even realize we're coming across as ego-centric. With Twitter, Facebook and other sites we're on constantly, it's accepted to talk about yourself. But to a Mom, it's far better if you say, "I'd like to hear more about how you do things."

Try to see it her way. While it might seem completely foreign to you, some people see only threat to their status quo whenever a big change happens. And a wedding is a big change.

The crankiest of moms are often the most afraid.

While it's always a mistake to analyze and assume what anyone's issue might be, it's probably evident that his mom doesn't hate you. She's just not sure what's going to happen to her world with your influence in it. Are you going to move across the country after the wedding? Are you going to spend every holiday with YOUR family, and not with her? Is her son going to like your mother more?

These might seem like ridiculous fears, but some people have creative minds. And if you look closely, you might realize that things have really changed for her already. Maybe your groom hasn't been able to attend a holiday, because you've already started sharing them with your family in alternating years. You're being fair, but it's still an empty seat at her Thanksgiving table.

Ask your groom what he thinks her fears might be. And if you hear the story about how she was heartbroken about her sister never being around for family holidays, you might just soften your heart toward her. That doesn't mean you're going to spend every holiday with her and not your family. You just lose the anger and frustration that can drive a wedge between you. And that can help you make some different decisions along the way.  

I've mentioned this before, but the best way to start the planning process with parents involved to any degree, large or small, is for you and your groom to sit down and decide on your highest priorities for the big day BEFORE the parents get anywhere near the plans.

Some parents are very clever at 'claiming' what they want for your day -- such as 'you'll get married in a church' or 'there has to be a band' or 'the distant cousins have to be invited' -- before you even start the planning process, and some are wily enough to call the cousins to invite them. They're just steamrolled their way, and you're in a no-win position.

So, it's a brilliant move to make a list of exactly what you want on your highest priorities, the things that no parent or anyone else can touch. It's also a great idea to create your guest list and headcount before parents get near the plans. This way, you can say that 'we're not inviting 2nd and 3rd cousins, because the budget doesn't allow for it.' You've just laid down a law.

Type up your plans list and be prepared to share it with parents, so that they can see in black and white (or blue and white, whatever you choose :) that you're both in charge of the plans, that you've decided on what you want, and you're a united front.

Since parents may still want to swing thngs their way, practice with your groom a few genius responses: "I'm sorry, I wish we could invite all of your co-workers to the wedding, but if we invited my parents' co-workers, that would be WAY too many people. So we're going to have to say no, sorry." Or, "No, that doesn't fit in with what we've decided, nor with other plans we've already made. Sorry."

Quite important here is your groom's ability to be a united front with you. There's no accounting for the calls she's making to him at work, the tears she's squeezing out, the guilt-tripping she's doing, the requests she's making. To be fair, your groom might have lived his whole life just giving in, so it's asking a whole lot of him to change the dynamic of their relationship for him to be 100% United Front with you right away. So tell him that he's not expected to.Without saying 'I know she's going to pressure you and you're going to give in," which is super condescending, talk with him about the compromises you can offer her. Maybe there are some areas of the plans you're not passionate about, like the bar menu, that she can be given.

You have to be a fair player here, too, and not succumb to the temptation to compete with her. She's your groom's mother, even if she's flawed. He loves her. And he wants to plan in peace. So always look for a way that she can get a little bit of what she wants, but communicate clearly with your groom that it means sooooo much to you that he will back you up on the high-priority things you want. That's only fair.

Let's face it....not all grooms' moms are thrilled about their 'little boys' getting married. Some want to maintain the illusion that their sons are forever going to be dependent on them, and some are delusional about their boys only wanting to take care of them...for as long as they both shall live.

We could get a psychoanalyst in here to pick this particular dilemma apart, but who has time for that? Some moms are just going to be difficult for any number of reasons, probably several reasons at once, and you have to figure out a way to involve this pouty mom in the wedding plans. It means a lot to your groom that you at least try to embrace his family, and even if he admits his mom has issues, he's grown to accept them, accept that's just the way she is, and hope/pray that you can accept that's just the way she is.

At least that's the most common scenario.

So today starts my new series, Happier With His Mom, to help you establish a Planning in Peace strategy that will allow you to work together, maybe even overcome your differences, grow a little bit closer, peacefully co-exist and hopefully grow to like each other more and more in the future. That's how it's gone for countless brides before you -- some with truly heinous first experiences with his Momzilla.

Let's start with step #1: protect your groom. Your relationship with him is paramount. He knows his mother can be a pill, so there's no need to make his life miserable every time she disappoints you. He knows you get hurt whenever she says something mean, or calls you 'that girl' or however she chooses to express her displeasure. And again, he's not going to be able to change her. Oh, you'll get to the next step of forming a unified front very shortly, but for now, just keep the peace between your groom and yourself by not stewing over what she says, not rehashing it to him again and again, and not putting him in the middle.

She might not be a joy to deal with, but that's why there's e-mail. And texting. If she's online or has text capabilities, tell your groom that you'd love to communicate directly with her. If she's not tech-savvy, it's going to be a phone call. And we'll get to the strategies involved in that later.

Right now, you might think that communicating with her is going to get you nowhere, but it's the best way to succeed. After all, she doesn't have your hot buttons memorized, like she does with her son. She can't use her patented guilt trip ninja moves on you. When you send an upbeat message letting her know about the upcoming cake tasting, and saying that both you and your groom hope she can attend, she's getting an important message: you're respectful, but you're in charge.

Your groom will thank you for saving him from wedding chats with his mother as often as they must happen, and he'll be so impressed with your maturity, self-confidence and courage in taking this challenge on.

And in protecting your groom, an essential step is letting him know that you do want to get to know his mom, work with her, include her. You're working on it. Which is way better than those mistaken brides who throw a huge burden on their grooms, saying "YOU talk to her" and then wonder why their grooms are so cranky and distant.

Don't focus on what someone didn't do! This is one of those all-too-human habits that can make you miserable, and psychologists would have a field day analyzing what it is about your childhood that makes you focus on when you don't get the nice comment or the favor from a parent. But we're going to forget about over-analyzing right now...because that's part of the problem!

If you're the type who analyzes everything, mixing that in with the bad habit of remembering disappointing interactions with people [and who doesn't have a bunch of those in their memory banks!?], planning in peace is never going to be your thing.

Take Sheila, for example. Sheila is a current bride-to-be who wrote me with one of the best questions ever: "I have so many friends and family members who are so excited about the wedding plans, they're offering to help, they're offering to let me borrow their veil or their aisle runner, one even offered her house as the location for the reception. But I'm thinking all the time about my one friend who hasn't returned my phone calls, hasn't had anything positive to say, and doesn't even seem to want to come to the wedding, let alone be a bridesmaid. I'm crushed and really unhappy...when I really shouldn't be. She's just one person, right? Why is this such a huge thing for me?"

My answer to Sheila: "It always hurts when a friend doesn't feel the same way about you as you do about them, when they don't treat you with the same value you treat them. Your friend isn't behaving the way you want her to, and that's hitting a huge nerve with you. Right now is not the time to 'fix' the relationship or try to 'fix' her. She's going to behave the way she behaves. Your most important job right now is to focus on all of the people who are treating you like gold and taking a huge interest in your wedding. Create a gratitude journal in which you record all of the great feedback you're getting from those people. Spend more time with those people. Call those people just to chat, laugh and have fun. NOT to talk about your cranky friend, who might be having a personal problem. You don't want to 'poison the well' of your friendship circle by getting all of your helpful friends to focus with you on the cranky friend. Just put that aside and allow yourself to revel in the circle of wonderful people you know."

I know it can be hard to do this, when you're truly hurt by the one person who's being a troublemaker. But it's up to YOU to choose your happiness over your hurt. So when thoughts of that cranky friend arise, grab your journal and read through all of the awesome things your friends have said to you or done with you. Choose your happiness by refusing to talk with others about that one troublemaker friend. Choose your happiness. It's as simple as that!

Here's an analogy: what if you invited a neighbor over to see your beautiful garden, with tons of lovely roses and a trellis, a new solar fountain, and lots of butterflies and birds fluttering around. It's gorgeous! But your neighbor just scowls and points out the one little weed that's poking up out of the mulch. Her inability to see beauty, and her magnetism towards the one flaw in that scene says a lot about her, right? She's someone who is Happiness-Resistant, and you'd think, 'wow, she has issues,' as she's going back home to make her family miserable. Now, if you do the same thing with your wedding, focusing on that one tiny weed in your 'garden', wouldn't that mean you're Happiness-Resistant?

So when someone zings you with an insult or a non-response, just think about that weed and reduce your disappointment to something you can pluck out and throw into a compost bin, not lay around and dwell on to the point where you hate your own garden! You're creating something beautiful. If someone else can't see that, they have some issues to work on.

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Have you hung out with your happiest friends lately? Get on the phone, send some texts, plan a girls' night out, and recharge yourself with the wonderful energy of the friends who make you laugh the most. No wedding talk allowed! Just reconnect with your favorite friends, even for a walk in the park on a gorgeous day with no structured plans for lunch - the 'no structure' get-together is a fabulous way to step out of all the Must-Do wedding stress you're under - and remind yourself and them of how much fun you are to be with, too!

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