Planning in Peace: Sharon Naylor's blog to being a harmonious bride at iVillage.com
- Weddings
- Planning in Peace
Talk directly to them. Don't put your groom in the middle to talk to his mom, or ask one bridesmaid to speak to another bridesmaid about her attitude and what you're assuming it means. When you play the childhood game of telephone, so much gets lost in translation. E-mailing gets things lost in translation!! So face down your fear of confrontation, put away those assumptions you have about why that person said what she did, or did what he did, and just ask what's up. Make it an in-person chat so that you can read the 80% of communication that's non-verbal, such as body language or a facial expression. If you're too far away to meet for coffee, the next best thing is a phone call.
Bridesmaids and moms say they're often stunned when they find out the bride was upset about something they said, and that the bride has been stewing over it (and talking to others about it) for weeks. If not months. Then they get offended that the bride didn't talk to them first. No matter how old you are, it's easy to fall into the assumption and misunderstanding hole and make all kinds of mistakes when you're too stressed and hectic to think clearly.
So make the call or set up the meeting in order to communicate clearly and directly while the issue is still small enough to solve and let go...returning you all to Planning in Peace!
Get even more ideas to avoid wedding mistakes here!
Ask your wedding vendors for printed, itemized lists of what you've ordered and when each element of your wedding day will roll out -- which is the new, more detailed method of calling each vendor to confirm that they're going to be there on time....a Must-Do we've always had slated for a few days before the wedding.
Now, to prevent any miscommunications that might have happened when you placed your order, when overseas shippers sent your flowers, when the caterer's team made your cake, and so on, the new methodology is to ask for the detailed order sheet to be scanned and e-mailed to you a week before the wedding [e-mail is usually more reliable than fax and keeps you more organized when you have a file to look back at.] 2 weeks prior is also great, giving vendors more time to order something that you've discovered isn't on your order list.
Don't freak out if there's a miscommunication about an order when it's something decor-related, and not an ultra-essential like your gown or the ring. Just keep your focus on the goal of fixing the problem with the wedding vendors so that you get to the point of saving your big day, rather than burning off ugly steam with being angry at whichever staff member didn;t write down your latest instructions.
For more solutions to people-problems, get the book here!
A quite bridesmaid doesn't always mean a jealous bridesmaid. This one really depends on your own personal level of self-confidence and how quickly you jump to negative conclusions [sorry, but that's the naked truth.]
If a friend takes three days to call you back, have you always assumed she was mad at you, and called again a few times to make sure everything was okay?
Is it your nature to worry about who's mad at you, or who you may be letting down by being distracted with your wedding?
We could label these habits all day, but what goes would over-analyzing do? The goal here is to keep you from causing ugly conflicts by making ugly assumptions, and misunderstanding a bridesmaid's lapse in getting back to you.
Sometimes, e-mail and cell phone carriers drop messages. Sometimes we flag important messages and the In Box just gets too loaded down. Sometimes we have notes on the bathroom mirror that flutter off when the shower steam gets the room too tropical.
Instead of driving yourself nuts about why bridesmaids aren't calling back on the same day, cut them a bit of a bigger break even though you're the bride under tremendous pressure. Give them deadlines of when you need to hear back from them, and it *is* okay to send a reminder e-mail about the task you need to get completed, not about whether or not she's mad at you! We're all blind to how often we can act like insecure 6th-graders, but now is not the time. Your bridesmaids love you; they're just busy with their own packed lives right now and will get back to you sometime after the beep!
For more solutions to other-people problems, get the book here!
If a parent or friend warns you against over-spending on the wedding, it doesn't automatically mean she thinks you're over-spending on your wedding, which your stressed-out mind might read as 'why are you trying to keep my wedding day small and unimpressive? Don't you think I deserve a gorgeous wedding day?' That's one of the biggest mistakes brides make -- taking things personally -- and nothing good ever comes from that.
Here's why people make a big deal over what things cost with weddings these days: it's everywhere on TV!! Never before have we seen so many wedding-themed TV shows and segments on The Today Show and Good Morning America, where viewers are voting online between the $5,000 wedding dress and the $7,500 wedding dress. Your mom has probably been shocked beyond all belief at how much wedding items cost, simply because she sees big numbers everywhere she looks! $3,000 on Cake Boss for a wedding cake? $9,000 on Say Yes to the Dress? Not to mention all of their friends talking about how much weddings costs these days, and how ridiculous it is to spend that kind of money on one day.
Don't take these questions to heart, and don't latch onto some imaginary idea that you don't deserve the wedding of your dreams. Everyone just has money on their minds right now. It's not personal.
It's so easy to misunderstand something that someone says, especially when you're tired and overwhelmed like most brides are while planning their weddings. A great many conflicts are borne out of a blowing-out-of-proportion of something that someone says. Now, granted, there are people out there who get a kick out of making you lose your cool, but we're not talking about them right now. We're talking in this series about the innocent things that happen during the planning season that -- if you're not careful -- can cause rifts and blowups and bridesmaid firings, mom conflicts and all other manner of everything that's not Planning in Peace. So let's start the series with one of the major situations I'm sure you'll ID with right away: the friend who is always telling you what she did for her wedding.
"We had gold and yellow with our persimmon centerpieces, which looked so amazingly fall-like!" Aaaaand, you want to kill her. After a few of these interjections, you might start having Ally McBeal-type fantasies of smashing a pie in her face and screaming, "I don't care what colors you used, this is MY wedding!"
But here's the thing...she's not telling you to use gold and yellow flowers with your persimmon color scheme. She's not saying her plan is better than yours. That's probably what you heard, since you're rightfully sensitive to people telling you how to do each and every one of your plans. But it's not the case. She's just connecting with you. It's like an impulse, a residual excitement for you that lets her revisit her time of being the bride, and if you get any inspiration from her idea to mix in some gold, then she feels like she's being an amazing friend! There's no implied order-giving here, so don't jump to the wrong conclusion and make an ugly misunderstanding that's just going to get you labeled as a stressed-out bride.
Just say thanks, and tell her how beautiful her day was. Even for years afterward, it's nice to hear. :]
Your bridesmaids want to make you happy. They want to know exactly what you want, when you want it, and how they can help.
Which is why I wrote The Bridesmaid Handbook:
Bridesmaids say they have one wish, though -- a wish that would make Planning in Peace a lot more realistic. They want you to understand that they can't always get right back to you in 10 minutes when you e-mail, text, IM or all of the above in a single lunch hour.
The Speed of Reply conflict has soured many a bride/bridesmaid relationship, so do yourself and all of your friendships a favor...adjust your expectations about how long it will take some of your bridesmaids to respond to you.
"Remember who I am!" says one bridesmaid. "When have I ever responded to you same-day?"
Good point.
Bridesmaids say they don't want you e-mailing them at work, since many office computers and phones are highly-monitored, and they can get fired for conducting personal business. A rush-rush bride can get her bridesmaid in hot water.
To be fair to you, you're excited and you know they're excited, and you mean no harm by e-blasting your messages and questions for hurry-up responses.
Just keep your Planning Peaceful by sending out messages to the home e-mail addresses your bridesmaids have said they check daily or several times a week, and give them plenty of time for a response. "If you can get back to me by Thursday, that's terrific! Thanks!" A great message to send when your deadline for that particular issue is Saturday.
Bridesmaids say they don't want you to misconstrue their slow responses for non-interest in your day, and they definitely don't want you thinking they're jealous. They just have five fewer hours in the day than they need -- just like you and everyone else -- and they're doing their best! They love you, and they want you to be happy.
But you already know that!
The most effective way to shake off wedding stress buildup and de-strain your relationships with your parents, bridal party members, your groom and your vendors as the wedding planning moves along is to take regular Gratitude Breaks.
Instead of focusing on how much planning you have to do, or the things that aren't going your way, parental 'requests' and bridesmaid complaints, focus on how much is going WELL. It's amazing how quickly we forget how awesome it was when we found the perfect site, or when we tried on the most gorgeous dress.
The bad stuff is louder.
So grab some paper or your journal and list out the many things you're grateful for...starting with the man you're marrying and the ways he shows you he loves you. Even when you're cranky. List out what your parents are making possible with their contributions, whatever they might be. List out the little favors and good wishes from others. The vendor who threw in a freebie. The happy note from your long-distance friends who are going to be able to come to the wedding.
It can sometimes take some effort to remind yourself that things are going well, which is what a Gratitude journal is for. So start taking notes, and flip through whenever you need a boost.
And for fun, have your groom write down entries in your gratitude journal as well. It's always fun to see things through his eyes, to read about the tiniest thing he noticed, and how much gratitude he has for you.
This sad scenario is happening a lot these days -- parents who originally promised to pay for the honeymoon, or the flowers, or the reception have hit some hard times. Maybe one has lost a job. Maybe their savings are dwindling. Maybe their IRA took a massive hit in this economy. Or medical bills have taken a chunk out of your wedding fund.
Maybe it's your bridesmaid who is having tough financial times and has to step out of the bridal party, or who can't give you the bridal shower she had in mind.
With wedding stress stretching you to your limits and any little thing setting you on edge, it's too easy to fall into the dreaded "Why me?!" cry, mourning your lost honeymoon or bridal shower dreams. A terrible thing has happened, and you're all upset about it.
Now we know you're not one of those horrible Bridezilla chicks on TV who are all about themselves, quite heartlessly yelling at their mothers for not being smarter with their money and ruining your day. You don't have that in you. Which is why we like you so much here at iVillage.
And we know we don't have to remind you to comfort the ones who are having tough times. That's just part of your nature.
What's happening here is you're being reminded that any plan made, any promise made, at the start of your wedding plans is always, always a Possibility. And when that possibility goes away, you get the chance to work with the disappointed parent or bridesmaid to come up with a Plan B.
No doubt they feared letting you know about their No. They probably had sleepless nights, maybe some high blood pressure. Plenty of stress. And everyone can relate to that these days.
So when you do get the news that a Possibility now has to morph into a Plan B, you can just hug them and say, "Okay, let's think up some different options."
And the biggest and best option for these tough financial times is to think up ways for your bridesmaid or your parent to contribute in non-financial ways. Helping to make programs or favors, confirming with your vendors, searching for the linens you want -- tasks that take time and care -- have as much value, if not more, than writing a check. And you get to rescue your very stressed loved one.
It helps if you have some Plan B ideas already in mind, so prep yourself for any dreaded phone calls by listing out some What If ideas...
If Shelley can't host the big bridal shower at the country club, then we can do a pizza party at my place and go swimming in the pool
If Mom and Dad can't pay for the flowers, I'll get a DIY book and invite the bridesmaids over to make the centerpieces with me. The craft store has free classes on making bouquets, so that would be a great group activity, too.
If my groom's Mom can't pay for the cake, we'll talk to the catering manager and make a few changes to the cocktail party menu, taking out a station or two, so that the cake is free.
You'll amaze yourself at your resourcefulness, and you'll be in a calmer and better position if anyone can't keep an original promise. And brides who have been in your position say that Plan B of working as a group on DIY projects was actually a great bonding experience that got both sides of the family and all of the friends to have a lot of fun together.
Sure, you'll be disappointed that you can't do the 2 weeks in Hawaii on your parents' dime. There's not a DIY plan to make up for that, and your parents will surely be heartbroken about it. But maybe this change in your expectations is going to lead you to look online for a different honeymoon package, which you find at 1/3 the price, in a better location, with lots of freebies in the resort's plan, and opportunities you wouldn't have had at the original location. And your parents can spring for that. It often happens that Plan B turns out far better than Plan A!
And maybe you can do 2 weeks in Hawaii on your first anniversary. Or push your honeymoon back a few months to a less expensive time of year, which your parents can afford as their wedding gift to you. Not a bad Plan B!
"That's just like what your mother does!"
"Of course you're late with the tux order! Your whole family's always late!"
"And here I thought you were DIFFERENT from your brother!"
"I can see I'm going to have to de-program the cheapskate DNA you got from your parents!"
I'm cringing as I write these slightly exaggerated [but only slightly exaggerated] phrases utterd by many frustrated, angry and anxious brides out there. It's just such an unfair fighting style! But unfortunately, in the throes of wedding stress, some pretty heinous things can come out of your mouth.
Which is why I want to urge you to make it an unbreakable rule for yourself: never tie what your groom is doing to *anything* his family does.
#1: Judging isn't nice.
#2: Throwing his family's flaws at him isn't nice.
#3: Lumping him in with his family's flaws isn't nice.
#4: Saying you have to de-program him...well, that's just really not nice.
Grooms forgive a lot from their frazzled brides, and brides forgive a lot from their overwhelmed grooms. The guys say they're nervous about treading in wedding world, and they'd like you to be their partner, not their boss. So for you or anyone else to take a situation that requires change -- okay, he's late with the tux order -- and bash him over the head with an insult that cuts right to the soul of him...big mistakes. And not something that he'll forget anytime soon.
Wedding season insults burn right down to the bone and stay there. Sometimes forever. Even if you apologize.
Think about how you'd feel if your busy schedule made you late with something...and your groom barked that you're just like your mother [or your father, or sister, or anyone else who's made a career out of being late with things.] You're supposed to have an unconditional relationship of trust and protection of one another. Any snapped insult like that hurts. A lot.
Yes, you're going to clash and bicker over things. That's natural, and it happens to everyone. But believe me...tying what he does to his family's bad habits is an injury you can't even fathom.
You probably never thought about it like that, but that's why I'm here: to point out some common auto-pilot reactions and behaviors that catapult you so far from Planning in Peace that you can't even see harmony in the future.
So ban the whole 'you're just like' weapon from your arsenal and find a better way to get him to call in that tux order. And don't ever say 'de-program' again. Peace, harmony, trust and safety will be saved!
Tell him what you like about his friends and family. Right now, things might be tense with his mother or his sisters if they're heavily involved in the wedding plans...or just piping up with comments at your expense.
There's a big danger in wedding planning season of venting to your groom about what everyone isn't doing for you, or what you don't like. So treat your groom to The Old You with some nice, complimentary remarks about his mom's dinner, or how his sister sent you a great link that helped you find the perfect invitations. His friends count, too. Every guy wants his wife to like his friends, so if you compliment his buddy's apartment or his friend's new girlfriend, that counts!
And of course, your Little Sweetness might just be making a secret vow to stop venting about his friends. Or his mom. Or his sister.
Look on the bright side about his people, and speak on the bright side, and your groom will love it.
