Planning in Peace: Sharon Naylor's blog to being a harmonious bride at iVillage.com

You already have the makings of good diplomacy within you. It's more about character traits than what you actually say. Here are the top character traits of a great diplomat:

·        Patience - Knowing that not every problem can be solved in two minutes, but rather through a process, perhaps a series of conversations.

·        Empathy - Sometimes, your friend or loved one is causing a problem because they have an altogether separate problem of their own, and they're just taking their frustrations out on you and your wedding tasks. So look beneath the behavior with understanding.

·        Calmness - If you're angry about the latest affront, take a few moments to calm down before you respond. And approach every person with a calm and gentle demeanor.

·        Self Confidence - Believe that you do have the ability to handle any issue. It isn't easier to just roll over and let others have their way. Healthy assertiveness is a big part of successful diplomacy.

·        A Sense of Humor - Some issues can be defused by laughing them off, not taking them too seriously.

·        Humility - Don't take yourself or your wedding too seriously, either.

·        Perspective - Always remember that your relationships last long after the wedding. That's what's most important. And the wedding details are just to make the day more beautiful and more meaningful. The reason for your wedding day is joining your life with your fiancé. When you look at that, other issues will shrink in comparison.

Weddings make people crazy.

            Your mild-mannered mom turns into a power freak, pressuring you into adding just twelve more of her friends to your already over-crowded guest list, and your future mother-in-law suddenly decides to clutch on to her son and question your every move. Your parents think it's 1954 when it comes to what weddings cost and groan over every penny spent - even if you're paying for everything. Your bridesmaids start arguing - or not returning your calls - and the groomsmen joke about bringing strippers as their dates to your wedding. And your groom...let's just say he's either way too invested in the invitations, or he doesn't seem to care at all.

            It's enough to make you a little bit crazy. But the solution to the myriad surprising and annoying things that people do and say is diplomacy. Great diplomacy. You can handle anything that people plant in front of you - the minefield of complaints, conflicts, requests and overrulings (yes, overrulings of your plans!) - if you know how to cope with everyone in your life delicately and wisely. 

            What happens when you don't have good diplomacy skills? All those little irritating things that your mother, sister, bridesmaids, groom, wedding coordinator, and baker do get stuffed inside you, fester into resentment, and pretty soon you're on the TV show Bridezillas wearing your wedding gown, pointing your manicured finger, and yelling at your grandmother because she's wearing the wrong color pantyhose and her hair is too high. You'd be pouting, complaining to anyone who will listen until they stop taking your calls, gaining weight, melting down, snapping at your groom, and generally being less than the radiant bride you could be. Even worse than bad behavior, your future relationships will be hurt. Not could be hurt. Will be hurt. Because you'll both hurt others and be hurt, and those injuries at this important time in your life become a permanent part of your wedding memories. So many brides report that they don't speak to a former bridesmaid anymore, due to arguments that stemmed from some conflict that good diplomacy could have defused. So many brides say they'll never be close to their mother-in-law because they're still simmering over how the mom acted during the planning phase.

            Granted, some people just have no consideration. Some people are bullies. Some are selfish. But most of the people in your life have just succumbed to a very common phenomenon: getting caught up in the emotion of a wedding. Moms tell me they regret how power-hungry they became, they shudder at how they spoke to their daughters, and they'd go back and do it differently if they could. Bridesmaids say the same thing, shaking their heads at their own foolish behavior and self-centeredness. And everyone says they wish they knew better how to prevent the conflicts and attitudes that hurt their standing with the bride and groom. Brides and grooms are no different. They too get caught up in the emotions, the financial pressure, the time-crunch, and all those outside opinions until they just snap.

            Good diplomacy can prevent all of this. Which is why we're going to spend the next few weeks working on the many ways that good diplomacy is going to make everything better...keep you from setting off someone's short fuse, get things done without tiptoe-ing around someone's fragile ego, and get you back to planning in peace!

Get this and my other books at my website!

Just ask your sibling what she wants. Very often, calling them on the root of their problems works a lot better than getting in fights about the things she's doing to annoy you.

Instead of saying, "Hey, why did you have an attitude at the gown shop?" -- when she can easily say you're imagining things and thus drive you crazy -- get right to the point. "You seem really miserable whenever we talk about the wedding, so just tell me....what is it that you want?"

That question stays with them, believe me. They sometimes can't answer it. Because saying, "I want to have what you have!" is so tough to admit.

Now, be warned...this might be the diving-in point that an attention-starved sibling has been waiting for. Sucking you and others into a conversation about what she can do to improve her life makes her the spotlight-owner, and THAT might be what she wants.

Attention.

Now it's not your job to fluff her ego. And it would be a mistake and a drain to move 'Make sister feel better' to the top of your To-Do list.

But this calls for Tough Love, delivered with a spot of sugar. "I know you want wonderful things in your life, and the only way you're going to get there is to make some changes, and so some new things, meet some new people, send out your resume, take little steps to fulfill yourself."

That's all you can do. Maybe she'll agree, having needed to hear it. Maybe she'll still fight it, wanting life to hand her a golden platter without any effort. But this is her life to live. And the attention-starved will take attention for negative things if they can't get it for positive things. Which is why you know some people who love being miserable and talking all the time about how miserable they are.

Which, again, is something you can't fix. So again, the Tough Love comes in...

"Well, I do hope you'll do some positive things for your happiness, but until then, I hope you can be happy for me right now and share in the fun of planning our wedding. If you can't, then I'm going to have to pay more attention" DING! DING! DING! "to my friends and the bridesmaids who are happy for me, and will participate in the planning with great attitudes and make it all fun. I'd love for you to be with us, but I won't let that happen if you're going to be a downer every day. So -- and I say this with love -- the choice is yours."

What she does from there is indeed her choice.

Maybe she'll snap to and be a great sister to you. Maybe she won't. Maybe she gets too much of a payoff from being your angry rival. Which she'll regret later, sad to say.

For now...your best move is to steer clear of the Green-Eyed Sibling and spend time only with those happy, wonderful friends who love you like sisters.

Its not always a sibling who has an unfulfilled life, that sad-sack single sister who drinks like a fish and cruises online dating sites for the next guy to get obsessed with and stalk.

Sometimes, your envious sibling had her wedding...and she had a smaller one than you're planning. Maybe it was her choice to keep it small and casual. Maybe your parents couldn't afford to give her a big wedding when they had the rest of your siblings to put through school. Now that you're getting married, maybe the issue is that you're having the wedding she wanted. But that your parents couldn't give her. And now you're getting it.

I can understand that kind of disappointment, especially if she planned her wedding with a bit of sadness in her heart that she couldn't have more.

This dilemma -- which happens all too often -- requires your careful, loving, attention to her. Don't come right out and say, "It seems you're jealous of my wedding because I'm getting the big, dream day you couldn't have." Yikes, that's a bit too intense.

And inviting her to taste $2,000 wedding cakes isn't going to make her feel much better, even if you think including her more will give her the experiences she didn't get.

Here's what I suggest: Encourage her to renew her wedding vows. In a large or small celebration, she can wear a gorgeous, new dress or gown. She can pick out her own wedding cake. Order amazing invitations. Design her bouquet. Even plan a destination vow renewal celebration, which so many resorts offer so beautifully now. She may love the idea, and with your encouragement -- assuring her that no one would ever think of that as inappropriate; it's a happy occasion celebrating a happy marriage! -- imagine the fun you'll have when you both get to help each other plan your big days.

I've heard from brides who asked their parents to shift some money from their own wedding budgets to pay for the cake or the invitations for their big sister's party. Now that's being a good sister!

To help her with vow renewal etiquette and ideas, check out my book 'Renewing Your Wedding Vows' 

It would take a LOT of therapy for an adult sibling who has always felt jealous of your accomplishments to change that pattern of thinking in less than...a few years.

Some people measure themselves against the achievements of others and pretty much resent who they can't be. So if your sister resents how much you've achieved, or how easy she thinks you've had it in life, the sad fact is that you're not going to be able to hand her a list of things you've failed at or haven't gotten and find that her jealousy goes away.

People like this are generally resentful of anyone who has it better than they do, and some are so engrained with this flaw that they seek out even the smallest of reasons to envy everyone. Only they think they're in the right.

So if your sister has always been jealous of your grades, your looks, your job, your apartment, the fact that you got the guy....it's time for you to just accept it, feel empathy for her, and don't try to play down your happiness to make her feel better.

Because nothing will make her feel better until she learns to improve herself and build some good stuff in her own life.

She's going to roll her eyes. She's going to complain. She's going to bad-mouth your wedding. Your innoculation is to ignore her completely, just shrug it off, and...this is important...don't worry about her embarrassing you in front of other people. Because they 'get' her. They've observed her jealousy probably for years, and this isn't surprising to them.

If she wants to act out to try to chop down your happiness, and she gets no reaction from you, doesn't hear that you cried to family members about her, you basically make this bad behavior invisible in your world.

So, tell me....how has your relationship with your sibling been? Recently? One mistake that brides make is assuming that a sibling they were close to during childhood, but has lately been a little more distant due to the things going on in her own life, will automatically snap into ultra-loving-sibling mode just because there's a wedding coming.

Sibling relationships are just like friendships. There are close ones and more distant ones. People move far away and contact is less frequent. You both get busy, and maybe over time, there have been some times when you felt your sister wasn't as there for you as you would have liked. And she might feel the same way. There's no big blowout. You're just not best friends anymore.

As you've grown up, maybe you've realized that your sister has different values, likes to party whereas you're more career-minded. Maybe she's a different kind of friend than you are.

Whatever the case, the issue here is your expectations. Make sure you're not setting yourself up for disappointment by expecting your sister to become that close childhood friend again. Not just because of your news.

So either you can just absorb this lesson and move forward with the comfort of knowing your new plan is to accept what she offers according to who she is, or you could call her or get-together with her and talk openly about wanting to get that close sisterly relationship back...and now's the perfect time to do that.

So many sisters have re-connected when the bride has had the courage to say, 'I miss you. I love you. Let's call and get together more often.' And that can solve a large degree of the conflict. Again, it's going to take time to move closer again. These things don't happen overnight. But you'll be on the right path if your sister wants to reconnect.

She might just be too jealous of you...and we'll handle that in an upcoming post.

No, not siblings who have actual green eyes, but the sister or sisters or brother or step-siblings who are insanely jealous about your wedding coming up.

In this new series, we're going to talk about how to handle the envy and possible bad behavior of your siblings who want all of this happiness and attention to be theirs. There's a lot to cover, so let's start with a few anecdotes so that you can see it's a universal thing....unfortunately.

"My sister has been dating her guy FOREVER, and she's been waiting for a ring for the past two years. So when my boyfriend proposed after just a year, she went ballistic and ruined our announcement to my family by storming out of the room. And most of the family went after HER to make her feel better. I was hurt and embarrassed beyond belief. She's always been a drama queen, but this was taking selfish to a whole new level."

"My sister is my Maid of Honor, but she keeps rolling her eyes at everything I say I want, and she's been so negative, I don't even want her around."

"My sister and I were always close, so it's been a shock and such a hurt that she would act like such a brat when this is supposed to be such a happy time for me. I always imagined we would have so much fun planning together, but she doesn't want to."

Painful stories, every one. And I've heard worse. Sisters who get drunk at the reception and crash into the cake [Wait, that was Sandra Bullock in 28 Days!]. Sisters who don't show up for fittings....nor for the wedding. Sisters who trash-talk the groom.

In the next few posts, we're going to address what you can do to handle their behavior, but we start now with the undeniable truth....you can't make someone behave well just because you expect them to. And just because someone is a relative -- and you wouldn't never do this to them -- doesn't mean they'll automatically treat you with respect.

Their maturity level is their maturity level.

Their decency level is their decency level.

It's sad to have to deal with this, but deal with it you must. So get ready for some diplomatic strategies, and find out what NOT to do in the coming days.

When his mom makes a snide remark, or a bridesmaid doesn't return your call again, or a pushy guest is trying to guilt you into letting her bring her kids to the wedding even though you have said No ten times, it's very understandable that you'll vent about it to your best friend...and to your groom who is also your best friend.

But here's a very important tip for Planning in Peace: Venting leads to more stress, so keep it to the barest minimum possible.

I'm not going to tell you not to vent. To keep everything inside and simmer. To be a doormat. No, that's not healthy, nor is it fun.

You have a Maid of Honor providing emotional support for all things wedding-related, so it's perfecly fine to go to her for her trademark comic relief. She's got your back. But even the truest bridesmaid can only take so much. If you're calling at 11pm every other day to gripe about the mean thing his mother did this time, she's going to tune out. And her distancing from you will create lots of tension. The very opposite of Planning in Peace.

The same goes for venting to your groom. He loves you, but he doesn't want to re-hash every night about the attitude your bridesmaid had at the dress shopping trip. Guys don't absorb that kind of stuff, and they don't understand why you make it the center of your world, when...hey, there's a wedding to think about and you have him to be happy about. And if it's his mom who's causing you trouble, don't throw fuel on that fire by complaining to your groom. Even if he agrees that his mother can be a pill, it's just not going to add up to any kind of improvement if you vent to your groom about it. He can only do so much, and again you're destroying any chance of planning in peace if your groom feels caught in the middle between you two.

And complaining just drains your energy away. Not so much peace in the planning that way.

So if you have to get it out, journal it out, work out, take your dog out for a walk. Don't agree to destroy your own peace by making that snide remark bigger and bigger in your mind with every conversation you have. Just move on. Get out your bridal binder and focus on the fabulous plans you've already set, call a friend and talk about what's going on in HER life, watch that marathon of Gilmore Girls again...focus on something better than some miserable person who can't say anything nice, call on time, be positive or leave her kid at home.

Your girlfriends have been there for you, through thick and thin, and as you traverse wedding-planning world, you need them more than ever -- so that you can stay grounded, keep your sense of humor, be more you.

So many bridesmaids complain that their friend/sister, the bride, feels so far away from them, so disconnected, so tunnel-visioned with the wedding that they feel the friendship is in peril.

And of course, some friends or bridesmaids can't contain that little tweak of envy over your happiness.

This book by the great Megan McMorris shares letters written by great authors and other notable ladies, filled with messages to their female friends. It's a great read, and it's really going to open your eyes to the need to connect with your girls.

Here's the description of the book:

Ever wished you could go back in time to say something you didn't? Female friendships are some of the most powerful and beautiful relationships in our lives, but it is often hard for us to express our true feelings. In PS, Megan McMorris collects these sentiments as an anthology of unsent letters written by a range of women. For the friend who's been there for you through everything or the friend you've lost touch with, PS offers a chance to express the unspoken.

With more than 35 letters by such names as novelists Jacquelyn Mitchard and Diana Abu-Jaber, and comedian Sara Benincasa, McMorris invites readers into the private side of women's thoughts and feelings, allowing us to empathize with the friendships, situations, and emotions within.

And here's how to get it

If you're among the hundreds of thousands of new brides out there who became engaged during the Thanksgiving holiday weekend [which is the new #1 time for popping the question!!], you're probably on the hunt for the best wedding information online.

I'm so glad you stopped in here at Planning in Peace, since it's so important to make sure you're ENJOYING your wedding planning season, and that the people around you are working well with you and with each other. Planning a wedding is supposed to be a happy time, but in these stressful days, it's a challenge to keep your cool and let the average wedding stress roll off your back.

Noe's an important time to establish a plan for harmony in your planning circle, since people have this strange habit of holding a grudge for a loooooong time when a battle breaks out over wedding plans.

I know it's not fun to think about what could go wrong, but trust me. You have to pre-think any potential conflicts so that you're not taken by surprise when someone criticizes your ideas or shoots down a wedding element you want. People act odd during wedding season, so I invite you to read through the archives of my column to get some ideas on how to cope with bitter bridesmaids, frazzled grooms, pushy moms and yes, some of your own bad patterns that can contribute to some planning battles.

I'm here to help you out, and I welcome your questions over on the iVillage message boards, under Ask the Wedding Expert. Think of me as your free wedding advisor over there, and your sister and best friend with great people-handling advice over here. :]

Thanks for checking this column out, and I welcome your visit to my own website for more on my 35 wedding-planning books.