What happens if you find out that your bridesmaids are having a LOT of problems with your mom as they plan the bridal shower?

Mom wants them to invite a few dozen more relatives, because 'that's how it's done in the family.'

Mom wants them to include shower games, which you all agree are tacky and hated by most guests.

Mom wants to decide on the menu so that the relatives 'will actually eat.'

If the battle's raging and you've heard about it from your mom or from your bridal party members, you need to step in and blow the whistle. You won't have a battle over a party in your honor, something that's supposed to be a happy occasion.

If your Mom is contributing money to the party, then yes, she should get some say in the planning. If she's just pulling rank as The Mom, then she gets a little bit of say. Why No say? Because that sets up resentments, and gets your Mom whining and moaning about being left out of the plans. Life was easier when Moms weren't allowed to host bridal showers, according to etiquette rules. Now that they're either planning or expecting to plan (because their friends have helped to plan showers for their daughters), it's best to give her a little something her way.

But you're The Bride, and you get to veto whatever you don't like. And the MOH gets to let you use that Veto. If your MOH says to you, "Hey, your Mom is driving us crazy with her plans for all kinds of games," you can and should call your Mom directly and let her know that A. you don't want all kinds of games at your shower, since you don't want the party to drag on for hours, B. you'd like your Mom to chill out about the games issue and focus instead on something she does have a chance at arranging, which is the decor or the cake choice, and C. "Don't call my friends at work to talk about the shower. They could get fired."

Some Moms get ultra-excited and forget about a little thing called boundaries. They don't like losing control...over you, over the wedding, over the fact that you getting married means they're the mother of a married person. So they might clamp down on a strange topic, like shower games, to see if they can get their way, to see if they can win and thus prove that they still have some authority. That's a bad thing to get caught in.

Better to lay down the law with Mom, but in a nice and respectful way, coming right out and saying 'No, I don't want that. This is what I do want, and what I'd like your input on, and here's the thing I need you not to do anymore.' Most Moms don't realize they're stepping on toes, and they need your firm, but polite guidance.

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The Ultimate Bridal Shower Idea Book

Today starts my new 5-part series on handling the many dramas that can flare up when your bridesmaids are planning your bridal shower and bachelorette party.

I know, you're the bride and you're not supposed to be involved in those at all. But since more and more brides are involved, either in small ways (like letting bridesmaids know the best date for the party, or helping to choose the theme and menu) or in all ways (let's face it, you're a full planning partner), bridesmaid battles become a big stress issue.

What are they fighting about? Money, usually. Who has it, and who doesn't. Who wants to hold the shower at a country club, and who wants to hold it at their house. Oh, there are plenty of other things they might fight about, but we'll get to them in future posts.

Right now, we're all about Bridesmaid Battles Over Money.

Here's what you can do to help return everyone to Planning in Peace:

1. If you sense tension between your bridesmaids, ask the Maid of Honor what's up. Being direct is the best way to go. Few MOH's and bridesmaids are going to immediately go to you with complaints that one of the bridesmaids is claiming she's broke, but yet she's bragging about her new Manolos. You're more likely to catch on to the battle when it's fully blazing. So ask the MOH how the bridesmaids are working together, if there are any conflicts about any of the plans. She may be polite and say everything's fine, but you can see that little twitch in her eyelid and she's white-knuckling the steering wheel while you're off to your mani-pedi's.

2. Just assume there's a money thing going on. Because right now, for everyone, there is. I don't know anyone who isn't in a budget crunch, so that actually makes your life easier here. Just say, "I'm so happy you guys are planning the shower together, but I don't want the big, formal, country club bash with 100 people invited. I'd really like you to keep it small, no more than 30 guests, informal, nice and relaxed. I don't want you all spending a fortune." The news will reach the bridal party before your first coat dries.

3. Suggest non-monetary contributions. "Since my sister is in college and doesn't have a lot of money to spend on the bachelorette party, is there some other task she can do in place of writing a check, like making all the invitations?" Without actually assigning jobs to everyone, talk openly with the MOH about how you'd rather have your bridesmaids happy with their craft or task contributions and have a smaller, less formal shower than have everyone angry about maxing out their credit cards. The MOH now has your suggestion and can run with it. Hey, taking on setup and cleanup duty for the party is super-valuable, in my opinion. Let everyone else write a $50 check...I'm fine with setting up and decorating, then taking out the trash afterwards.

4. Here's a big one....if a bridesmaid lives really far away and can't attend the shower or the bachelorette party, your MOH and bridesmaids need to know that the faraway bridesmaid is not to be asked to contribute financially to the party. That's a big misstep that a lot of bridal parties are making, and it just stirs up trouble. The farawy bridesmaid can be invited to contribute to a group gift, but she is not to be asked for money to host a party she won't be at. Period.

5. Accept that your bridesmaids have different personalities, different styles of working on projects. Some are more take-charge and others just like to go along to get along. When it comes to money, those take-charge types might find it acceptable to just send out an e-mail saying "I planned it all, and you owe me $200." When that e-mail hits the In-box of the others, it's going to be conflict. How do you fix this one? You pre-empt it. Be direct. Tell that MOH that it's important to you that everyone works together well, and you'd hate to see your group turn into the warring factions that you've read about on message boards. "Sweetie, I know that you know how to get things done, and that $200 isn't a lot to you. But some of my other bridesmaids are looking forward to planning with you, and they don't have a ton of money. I'd feel badly if they mistook your planning savvy and felt that they're being told what to do, so I'd love for you to have a planning chat with them first, agree on the plans and then move forward from there."

Remember, your get-it-done friend doesn't have bad intentions, but your other bridesmaids don't know her. This simple request can prevent the MOH from making a bad impression that causes conflict into the future...especially if she books the country club and now everyone is locked in. Be sure to tell the MOH you know she's going to do an amazing job, and you're so happy you chose her for the role. Flattery will get you everywhere.

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The Ultimate Bridal Shower Idea Book

Uh oh. Your bridesmaids are arguing about the budget for your bridal shower (or bachelorette party) -- something you're not supposed to play a part in planning -- and it's getting ugly. Again, this group of very different women has to team up for a common goal -- the success of a party in your honor -- and you can see that they're not gelling.

Rather than step in as the peacemaker, or try to take control away from all of them, you may just have to sit back and let them figure it out. They're adults who have to find their own compromises. This is where the Maid of Honor comes into play. When you hear that there's conflict among the bridesmaids over your party, suggest to your Maid of Honor that she take the reins and set down some boundaries. MOH's are sometimes scared to take an authority position, especially when it comes to your sisters, friends and your groom's sisters, but you can encourage yours to stop the madness with an e-mail to all, reminding them that this party is in your honor, and that compromises can be reached through better communication. She can ask them to e-mail HER with questions or concerns, and she'll get right on it. [Sometimes battles occur because 'your side' complains among themselves while the groom's sisters who don't know the MOH and don't want to complain to you talk amongst themselves.] you can help solve the problem by giving the MOH permission to name herself the head of the team. Here's a note for her to send, if she wishes:

"Hello all! I just wanted to touch base about the shower plans. I understand there's some concern about the budget, so I'm going to look into hosting the party at a different location. It doesn't look like we can comfortably afford the catering bill at the country club, so an at-home party will likely be a better solution for us. In the meantime, let's talk about some great budget ways to handle the invitations, the cake and other fun details. And let's think about what (bride) would enjoy the most when it comes to games. E-mail me with your questions or suggestions anytime, and we'll all work together to make this party great for (bride)! Or, call me at (number) on the weekends. Have a great day!"

Your MOH will return the focus to this party being for YOU, and no one can complain about being invited to participate in the planning.

Which brings up an important point: what if it's the MOH who's being a control freak about the party plans, and the bridesmaids consider HER the problem? You'll have to step in and tell your MOH that you appreciate everything she's doing to plan a great party for you, but you're concerned that the other bridesmaids aren't as involved as they wish to be. Never say, "You're leaving them out" or anything that would make the MOH defensive. Just state Solution Lines, such as "I thought you'd want to know that Stacy's really great at making invitations, and Barbara makes wonderful desserts. I think it would be wonderful to have their contributions to the party, and I think everyone would love the savings, too." If she says, "Well, that doesn't fit into what I've envisioned!" then you're going to have to take a tougher stand: "It wouldn't be fair to ask the bridesmaids to pay for what you're coming up with, so please just step back a little and work with them as a team. I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about you or misinterpret what you're doing. I know you just want to plan a great party for me, but I'm sensing they're feeling a little bit left out."

That part about 'getting the wrong idea about you' usually stops the control freak. Because a control freak wants to be....in control, and admired for her work. A good friend can give this warning and get good results. You have to phrase it diplomatically, though. In this case, your words are very important! 

Share your stories in the comments section here...how did you get a control freak MOH to back down and share party-planning tasks better?