When your bridesmaid has to step out of the bridal lineup, no matter what the reason, she's most likely going to be very worried about what people will think about her. You may be the coolest bride ever, giving her the Out With Options, but other people are going to think she's a bad friend or cousin, or they're going to know she's short on money, or they're going to figure out that she's struggling in med school, or that she's in a depression...the anxiety can spin out of control.

 

So as the awesome bride you are, assure her that you won't share any details of her situation with anyone. If the gossips out there want to wonder what her story is, they're going to chat about her, but they're not getting the juicy details from you.

 

Even if you're mad about her stepping out of the bridal party just a few months before the wedding, resist the urge to vent to other friends, don't participate in a gossip firestorm, and let your friend save face. When the other bridesmaids start chirping about her, just say, "There's nothing to figure out about why (former bridesmaid) stepped out. This is just what's best, so let's move onward and start looking for a style of shoe for you all to wear." You can also shut them up by saying, "Seriously, we've lost too much time to this topic already, so let's get back to having fun and planning your bouquets."

 

You all get to return to Planning in Peace, and you have rescued your own wedding experience from the lure of gossip. Nicely done!

 

 

Ger your copy of "The Bride's Survival Guide' here.

Today starts my new 5-part series on handling the many dramas that can flare up when your bridesmaids are planning your bridal shower and bachelorette party.

I know, you're the bride and you're not supposed to be involved in those at all. But since more and more brides are involved, either in small ways (like letting bridesmaids know the best date for the party, or helping to choose the theme and menu) or in all ways (let's face it, you're a full planning partner), bridesmaid battles become a big stress issue.

What are they fighting about? Money, usually. Who has it, and who doesn't. Who wants to hold the shower at a country club, and who wants to hold it at their house. Oh, there are plenty of other things they might fight about, but we'll get to them in future posts.

Right now, we're all about Bridesmaid Battles Over Money.

Here's what you can do to help return everyone to Planning in Peace:

1. If you sense tension between your bridesmaids, ask the Maid of Honor what's up. Being direct is the best way to go. Few MOH's and bridesmaids are going to immediately go to you with complaints that one of the bridesmaids is claiming she's broke, but yet she's bragging about her new Manolos. You're more likely to catch on to the battle when it's fully blazing. So ask the MOH how the bridesmaids are working together, if there are any conflicts about any of the plans. She may be polite and say everything's fine, but you can see that little twitch in her eyelid and she's white-knuckling the steering wheel while you're off to your mani-pedi's.

2. Just assume there's a money thing going on. Because right now, for everyone, there is. I don't know anyone who isn't in a budget crunch, so that actually makes your life easier here. Just say, "I'm so happy you guys are planning the shower together, but I don't want the big, formal, country club bash with 100 people invited. I'd really like you to keep it small, no more than 30 guests, informal, nice and relaxed. I don't want you all spending a fortune." The news will reach the bridal party before your first coat dries.

3. Suggest non-monetary contributions. "Since my sister is in college and doesn't have a lot of money to spend on the bachelorette party, is there some other task she can do in place of writing a check, like making all the invitations?" Without actually assigning jobs to everyone, talk openly with the MOH about how you'd rather have your bridesmaids happy with their craft or task contributions and have a smaller, less formal shower than have everyone angry about maxing out their credit cards. The MOH now has your suggestion and can run with it. Hey, taking on setup and cleanup duty for the party is super-valuable, in my opinion. Let everyone else write a $50 check...I'm fine with setting up and decorating, then taking out the trash afterwards.

4. Here's a big one....if a bridesmaid lives really far away and can't attend the shower or the bachelorette party, your MOH and bridesmaids need to know that the faraway bridesmaid is not to be asked to contribute financially to the party. That's a big misstep that a lot of bridal parties are making, and it just stirs up trouble. The farawy bridesmaid can be invited to contribute to a group gift, but she is not to be asked for money to host a party she won't be at. Period.

5. Accept that your bridesmaids have different personalities, different styles of working on projects. Some are more take-charge and others just like to go along to get along. When it comes to money, those take-charge types might find it acceptable to just send out an e-mail saying "I planned it all, and you owe me $200." When that e-mail hits the In-box of the others, it's going to be conflict. How do you fix this one? You pre-empt it. Be direct. Tell that MOH that it's important to you that everyone works together well, and you'd hate to see your group turn into the warring factions that you've read about on message boards. "Sweetie, I know that you know how to get things done, and that $200 isn't a lot to you. But some of my other bridesmaids are looking forward to planning with you, and they don't have a ton of money. I'd feel badly if they mistook your planning savvy and felt that they're being told what to do, so I'd love for you to have a planning chat with them first, agree on the plans and then move forward from there."

Remember, your get-it-done friend doesn't have bad intentions, but your other bridesmaids don't know her. This simple request can prevent the MOH from making a bad impression that causes conflict into the future...especially if she books the country club and now everyone is locked in. Be sure to tell the MOH you know she's going to do an amazing job, and you're so happy you chose her for the role. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Want more on this topic? Post your comments below...

 

The Ultimate Bridal Shower Idea Book

 

If you're getting suggestions from moms, bridesmaids, vendors and the groom, it can feel like everyone's pushing their ideas on you and trying to take over your reception. You become the Gatekeeper, trying to protect your own vision of how you'd like your wedding to be. And that can be very stressful.

You know they're just trying to help. You know they want your day to be beautiful. But even too much of a GOOD thing can be oppressive. So you're in the delicate position of having to say No, which can be really tough when parents are being super-generous with your wedding funds, bridesmaids have been there for you every step of the way, and vendors are throwing in freebies and doing all kinds of extra work to make you happy.

Here's the good news: not every suggestion has to be targeted toward the reception. Even if moms and friends and experts initially suggest their ideas for your cocktail party and reception hours, you can re-direct them toward other wedding weekend, pre-, or post-wedding events! So you might not have to say No to that idea about organic chocolates as favors...they can just be re-routed as the favors for the engagement party. Not liking the idea of all-white tablecloths for your reception ballroom? That could be perfect for the bridal breakfast on the morning after the wedding. Mom's dream of an all-white decor scheme could be put to great effect at that gathering instead. The groom wants slow jazz and you want more upbeat music at the reception? Suggest that your after-party have a jazz soundtrack.

Make a list of all of the pre- and post-wedding events you have in mind, so that you can show your helpful team all of the other events where their great ideas can be used. Your list might look like this:

* Engagement party

* Bridal shower hosted by bridal party in mom's hometown

* Bridal shower hosted by bridal party in MIL's hometown

* Bridesmaids' thank-you luncheon and spa day

* Welcome cocktail party as guests arrive for the wedding weekend

* Wedding weekend daytime events, such as a barbecue at your parents' house the day before the wedding

* Rehearsal dinner for bridal party and parents

* Cocktail party after the rehearsal dinner for all out-of-town guests

* Wedding morning beauty salon visit with your bridesmaids and the moms (champagne and berries, anyone?)

* Wedding morning breakfast

* Wedding celebration: cocktail party, dinner, and desserts

* After-party in your hotel suite

* After-party at the parents' houses, where they invite all of their friends and relatives while you and your group party elsewhere

* Wedding morning breakfast

* Day after the wedding barbecue or lunch for guests who stick around

* A small gathering of friends and family when you return from your honeymoon; everyone looks at pictures and video from the big day and enjoys a theme menu of cultural foods or desserts and great wines

Don't forget that some of your own ideas can be shifted off into some of these events, if your groom isn't enthusiastic about them. It helps a LOT when moms and bridesmaids and your groom learn that you're an equal-opportunity 'shifter,' willing to move your own ideas into other parties. You're being fair, and that goes a long way to Planning in Peace with your family and friends.

Copy this list or create a spreadsheet where you can record all of the fun suggestions made by others, and note whose ideas were whose, as an organizing tool and a fun keepsake. Years down the road when some details start to fade, you'll get a smile out of seeing that the curly bamboo good-luck centerpieces your sister suggested were the hit of the wedding breakfast.

Tragedy and illness can strike any family at any time, and there are no words to describe the stress that accompanies impending death, a recent loss, or the energy needed to care for a sick loved one. In your circle of wedding planning supporters, and even just friends and relatives, a tough time might be occurring right now.

One of the most important things for you to remember is that you're a friend or relative first, a bride second. Send notes of comfort and support whenever you can. If this hero is within your bridal party, obviously you'll want to take as much pressure off of that person as possible, relieving their stress that they might be letting you down right now. It's amazing how quickly thoughts swirl when someone is afraid or stressed, so just send an 'I'm here if you need me' note without any mention of 'you can send your size card later' or anything that a person who's not thinking clearly could mistake for pressure.

If your dress shop owner is hassling you for size cards, explain the situation and ask for some extra time. A good vendor will work with you, waive any late or rush fees, and make the process as easy for you as possible.

I hear often from brides that they think talking about the wedding would cheer up the person who's in distress now, but that's not always a good idea. Better to say, "What would you like to talk about?" when you call with some comfort...

With money on everyone's mind, your bridal party is *really* going to feel the squeeze, especially if they agreed to be in your bridal party before this current financial market spiral. So to keep the peace in your planning circle, now's the time to come to your bridesmaids' and groomsmen's rescue.

 

If you haven't already chosen and ordered dresses, send out a group e-mail with an assurance that you're looking for the best-priced dresses out there. Ask your ladies to share their favorite discount dress websites, and let everyone know that you're aware of upcoming holiday formalwear sales at sites like www.anntaylor.com and the like.

 

When your bridal party knows you're looking out for them, there's less chance of mutiny.

 

Just the same, assure them now that you're setting up discount room blocks for their stay, and in these tough financial times, more brides are making the decision to let bridesmaids stay at their place for free. I know, I've warned against this in the past, since you'll need your private time and having houseguests is a lot of extra work. But tough times call for bending the rules a bit. If you have the room, or if your parents have the room, perhaps you can offer free lodging to your inner circle. Whatever works best for you.

 

Ask your group to send in their ideas to keep costs down. Tell them you won't be offended. You've got their backs, and no idea is a bad one. They'll love you for thinking of them.

With SO many different tasks going on as you plan the wedding, you might feel a little overwhelmed about what's due to be completed when, when payments are due, who has to do what, etc. This is a big undertaking, and many a bride has felt deep inner stress over worrying about 'missing something.' That stress wears the bride down, and pretty soon all of her interactions are tinged with an intensity.

But you can eliminate that intensity just by taking a few organizing steps.

First, get out your bridal packet containing all of your contracts and vendor paperwork. (Hopefully you have everything in one folder. If not, now's the time to find all of those papers and put them together!)

Next, create a deadline calendar where you will record each of your vendors' deadlines and due dates -- the actual days when deposits are due, visits must be made, answers called in. I like to use a different colored pen for each of the categories, such as pink for floral, blue for catering, green for entertainment, etc. Go to www.calendarhome.com to print out some blank monthly calendars for this if you'd like to have a single, dedicated calendar for your wedding tasks. It's easy to look at and decipher, as opposed to jamming all of these notes into your daily organizer or home and social calendars.

Record each and every due date for yourselves so that you know where you stand, and you'll soon see that you can relax a bit about handing in your photo shots list or song play lists, since those aren't due until two weeks before the wedding.

You, and your entire planning team, will be on the same page if you use a different color for parents' task due dates and bridal party task due dates. You might even decide to print up fresh calendars FOR your parents and bridal party members to keep them on track too.

Looking closely at contracts will also point out when due dates are super-close, so that you don't have to pay late fees. you can never be too organized, especially with such an important investment as your wedding.

Organization brings inner peace. You get to see in black-and-white, or pink-and-white, that you're doing just fine. You are on top of everything, so you don't have to lose sleep over What If's and worries. You may be able to back off your groom a little bit when you see that his task deadlines are weeks away, as are the bridesmaids' size card due dates.

Get all of those swirling numbers out of your head and onto paper, and you -- and everyone around you -- will be much happier!

You know your bridesmaids' personalities. You know who takes control over putting together weekend plans and perhaps even schedules your girls' getaways and vacations. This friend prides herself on getting things done, being organized, and taking the reins. When you add her to your bridal party, you can't expect her to give up that portion of her personality.

She's going to volunteer to lead the planning, and she may even book the shower without consulting with the other bridesmaids before she signs a contract. She describes herself as a racehorse, and you have to admit she really knows how to get things accomplished. In fact, she might be really good at kicking open doors and getting advantages, working her network and finding freebies. Again, all admirable qualities in the right circumstances.

So if you have a powerhouse of a bridesmaid, you CAN ask her to step back a little. "I love it that you're so efficient and you really know how to get things accomplished. I love it that I know I can trust you to accomplish the tasks I ask you to take on. You're one of my most reliable friends."

And here comes the but...

"I do have to ask you to just step back a little and wait for the entire bridal party to discuss the dresses and the shower plans so you can all decide on things together."

She might respond with, "But they're so slow!" And they might be.

"I know, they don't work at the same pace as you, but I have to ask you to just be more patient with them, because I don't want them to make any judgments about you or feel left out of the plans. They don't know you like I do, and I don't want them to be disappointed in their part of the planning process."

You've handled this directly, spelled out your concerns, and let this bridesmaid know you want her to chill out a bit. If she gets worried that she's already alienated the bridesmaids, assure her that this is just something you want to fix before it becomes a problem for them. She'll appreciate your stepping in to prevent a conflict.

Everyone has their own personal pace. This bridesmaid just moves faster than everyone else, so you're only getting your bridesmaids on the same page so that they can enjoy working together.

"Hey, I love that idea about surprising parents by playing *their* wedding songs for a spotlight dance! I think I'll use that at MY wedding!"

Ugh! Do you have a bridesmaid whose wedding takes place BEFORE yours, and she's planning to use all of your brilliant ideas? You have many of the same guests invited from your circle of friends, so it will look like you copied her when the same guests are at your wedding.

How do you handle this one? It's more than annoying when a friend or sister you love and trust enough to name to your bridal party is outright stealing your ideas -- and telling you about it! So you have to call her on it. Here are a few responses to consider:

"Hey, I'm glad you like my idea, but I'd rather you not copy me on this and the dozen other of my ideas you've already said you want to use. I'm starting to feel like I can't trust you with my plans."

"Yikes, I've already told all of our friends that I'm doing that at my wedding, so I wouldn't want it to be too obvious that you're copying."

That second one usually does the trick, because your friend doesn't want to look like the Idea Stealer.

Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, and this may seem like a minor issue to worry about, but you might not want to just sit back, sigh and accept that your bridesmaid is going to 'scoop' all of your great wedding plans. You have to say something directly.

Now here's something to keep in mind: your friend is probably not doing this because she's competitive and mean. She probably just really admires your ability to come up with great, creative ideas, and she may think she's...well, flattering you with imitation. She might not be confident about coming up with her own ideas, and she might not have the same caliber of wedding professionals that you do. So don't assume right away that she has bad intentions or is not a true friend.

"(Name), I'm very excited for you as you plan your wedding, but this is the fifth time you've said you want to use an idea I came up with, and it's really starting to upset me." A good friend will realize her mistake. A competitive friend will tell you you're being ridiculous, that you can't claim parents' dances as your own invention. True. You can't.  She has the freedom to plan her wedding her way.

But that just means you won't talk with her about your wedding ideas from this point on. Her response shows that she can't be trusted with them. That's the only way to keep this from happening again.

As for the ideas she wants to steal? Don't be surprised if they don't show up in her wedding at all. Her groom or her parents might not like the idea, so it's not worth it to stress over every little thing she said she'd lift.

When you have bickering bridesmaids, and there doesn't seem to be any way you can get them to agree on plans, you can't get one to show up for shopping trips, one has a bad attitude, and another *hates* your sister over something that happened years ago, there's one question to ask yourself:

Would these women be friends with each other, independent of their relationship with me?

Some people are just too different to get along. They're never going to work well together because their personalities clash. You can't make them all love each other.

And that's great news! You can stop stressing yourself out over your fantasy of having a bridal party that becomes best friends, and you'll all hang out together in the future, go on vacations together, etc. Just forget about that. You'll find that if you just keep your focus on what needs to get done for the wedding, you'll have a LOT more strength of your own, because you're not striving for something that's not realistic.

While it would be nice if they all worked together well, it might be that they have to be civil to each other, co-exist the best they can, and then be done with each other after the wedding. They'll all still be important to you, but it's not going to be a mini sorority. You'd be surprised at how much energy some brides put into trying to achieve that.

So let go. And let the peace flow back into your planning experience.

Many brides make the mistake of thinking they need to handle everything themselves. "It's just easier" and "I know I'll get it done the right way" is usually the rationale, but that's setting yourself up for stress that's not necessary. You're part of a team, even if it's just you and your groom for the most part, with parents playing supporting roles in planning and paying for the wedding itself. And then there's the bridal party and perhaps a wedding coordinator.

So here's your exercise for today...you're going to write down the strengths of each member of your team:

Sarah is really good at finding discounts on fashion and accessories.

Mom is really good at talking with Dad to get him to stop making comments about how much this wedding costs.

(Groom) is really good with all things techno, so he can take over planning the iPod playlist for the rehearsal dinner.

Jennie provides the most inspiring emotional support with her creative analogies.

Harvey always makes me laugh when I need it most.

Now that you have everyone's strengths in black-and-white in front of you, give yourself permission to let these people help you.

Forget about any idea that you'd look foolish or weak or not on top of things if you ask for help. It's a gift to these loved ones when you call them to say, "Hey, I really need a hand right now, and you're so good at ______. Do you have some time for me tonight?" This is the essence of a give-and-take relationship! There is no medal for handling every little thing yourself! No one stands up at the reception and toasts you for isolating yourself in the wedding plans. So look at your team, be thankful they're there, and allow them to help you with whatever you need, large or small.

It can be sooo stressful and frustrating when a wedding task is almost complete, but you're just waiting on a bridesmaid or a groomsman or a parent or guest to send a check or a size card or just make a decision already! That one little response is the obstacle that's keeping you from getting the job done.

You've asked, you've reminded them, you've told them that the deadline is looming (or has passed) but they just won't deliver what you need. You're sitting at home stewing, almost hating that person right now, and wondering why they're keeping you hanging. We're not going to guess what their issue is right now. We're going to create that stern yet respectful e-mail that will light a fire under the straggler. Here's what you may wish to copy-and-paste in your missive to them:

"Dear (Name):

Just a reminder that your size card/deposit payment/travel info is due now, so that we can stay on schedule with the plans and prevent you from experiencing any hassles or rush fees. I know you're busy, but we really do need you to get this information to us by Wednesday at the latest. We can't put an order in until we have everyone's information, and we wouldn't want everyone to have to pay rush fees if we get the order in after deadline. So please make sure you get that info to me as soon as humanly possible. After this, there's very little to arrange for months, so I'm sure you're with me in wanting this task over, done with and off your plate! ;) Thanks for your understanding! And thanks for (the thing this person did well for you recently). With all the wedding details swirling, we're just trying to keep on top of things. See you soon!"

Notice you inserted a little positive reinforcement in there with the reminder that you appreciate what they did well for you, but you're showing the consequences of their delay (which included everyone else being angry at THEM for the delay.) You've also spelled out that they're not going to get hounded if they just fulfill a promise and that they have weeks of clear sailing after they get this one thing done. You've done all you can.

There's no need to threaten booting them from the wedding party. That doesn't motivate people, and in fact often slows them down further. If you want results, throw a bunch of positives in there.

Everybody does it. Not just stressed-out brides and parents who are forking out thousands of dollars for a very important one-day celebration. In-laws, bridal party members, vendors...everyone has the ability (if not the tendency) to over-react. We live in a pressure cooker world -- our bosses are on our butts, time has seemed to speed up, and even with all of our technology, it seems like we just can't get things done quickly enough.

So that all adds up to short tempers and blowing things out of proportion.

Whatever you're stressed about right now, take a minute to set it in front of you and really observe it. How bad is it really? Is this stressor going to prevent you from getting married? Is it going to end a friendship? Once you've cleared away the big risks, here's your plan to return to a better mindset:

Ask yourself:

1. What are the positives in this? Waiting an extra two weeks for bridesmaid size cards could put you in holiday weekend sale zone, and you might even discover a dress you like even better.

2. How could this be worse? Some brides don't hear from their bridesmaids AT ALL. Some have mothers who have passed away and aren't even here to BE overbearing. Make a list of the 20 ways your situation could be far, far worse and don't be afraid to get creative.

3. How can I react better to the situation at hand? That's usually going to take some patience, which is in short supply for most of us. We don't like waiting, and we don't like waiting for things we FEEL should be taken care of already. So repeat this saying: "All things will happen in their own best time." That just gets you to a mode of acceptance, which is often more than enough to take the pressure away.

They're driving you crazy! You told them you had to place the gowns or tuxes order by a certain date, and you need their professional measurements by today, and four out of five of them haven't sent their numbers in yet! Waiting for others to fulfill a promise -- especially when it's something so easy! -- can be maddening, so here's how to light a fire under the stallers: Send a friendly e-mail to all of them, saying, "Yikes, we're getting close to the deadline for ordering the dresses/tuxes, and I don't want you all to have to pay any rush fees! So would you please stop in at a tailor's to get measured by Wednesday and e-mail or fax me your measurements by Thursday? Thanks! We can't place anyone's order unless we have all of your measurements, so if one is late, you all would have to pay extra! And I'll name names! :)" A sense of humor always works much better than demands or complaints, and when you add in a little touch of social pressure, that usually does the trick. No one wants the others to think less of him/her. Works every time.

Showing appreciation is a top tool for Planning in Peace.

After all, you have a big wedding team of parents, bridal party members, helpful relatives and friends, and vendors who are working hard (and often spending lots of time and money) to create your Dream Day. Some of these people might be spending way more than they can spare just to be there for you. So they deserve a nice Thank You call or e-mail in the middle of the planning stages, just so they know you're grateful for all they're doing.

Problems can brew when these people think you expect them to do all of this for you, that you don't feel the need to say thanks. That's when egos get in the way, feelings get hurt, people assume you're all about Me, Me, Me. After all, when's the last time you called just to say hello? Lately, you've only contacted them when you want something for the wedding. If this is making you cringe, when you think about how long it's been since you called as a friend or a sister, you're not alone! All brides get super-hectic in their lives, and they often forget to connect on a non-bride basis. So make some time tonight to send a little thank you e-mail, or call to see how your friend is doing, how her vacation was, how her kids are doing in school or in softball. With all that you have on your plate, it'll mean the world to your loved ones that you're thinking of them.

One of the first stressful decisions you might face is choosing who will be in your bridal party.

For some brides, it's a cinch. It'll just be their sisters and their two best friends. Done. Onto the next thing.

But for so many other brides, this is an agonizing task. How can they choose from their list of friends? Do they have to include friends who had them in their bridal parties long ago, but haven't heard much from them since? What happens when the parents want cousins included? Or when you feel like you should include the groom's sisters, even though he has four of them and your bridal party lineup is now 15 people long?

Here's the good news....you can have a giant bridal party if you wish! There's no rule that says you have to have just 4. And you don't have to have an even number of women and men. So if you have 8 bridesmaids and your groom has five groomsmen in mind, that's fine! The last few groomsmen in the recessional will escort two women at a time. There's no reason to be matchy-matchy.

Now, if this hasn't solved your dilemma, and you're stressing about the fact that you can't invite several friends to be in the lineup, here are a few insights that could bring you back to peace:

1. Many women say they'd rather NOT be in the bridal party. With all of the expenses of gowns and shoes and showers and bachelorette parties, it's an honor to be considered...but they'd rather just be guests. Doesn't mean they love you any less. So you might be worrying for nothing.

2. You can cushion the news that they're not in the bridal party by telling them directly, rather than just avoiding the topic when you know they *think* they're going to be in the bridal party. Call them or tell them in person that you *wish* you could ask them, but your list of sisters and his sisters and your best friend from high school has gotten beyond where you would like it to be. You had to leave off a *lot* of your closest friends, and you hope they won't take it personally. The fact that you're telling them will impress them, and then they may tell you they subscribe to insight #1 above.

3. Some friends will get upset. They invested a LOT in being named to your bridal party, and they feel they're super-close to you. They're taking your decision personally. Expect a cool period for a while after you contact them, but keep showing these friends that they're important to you. Ask them to go out. Send links to articles you know they'd like. Whatever you did before...without over-doing it out of guilt. They'll get over the disappointment of not being named to the bridal party.

4. DON'T have them hand out programs at the wedding instead or have some other task for them to do. That's asking them to work your event.

5. Be firm with parents who try to insert their choices into your bridal party. They don't get to make this decision, so handle this one with calm and grace, saying, "No, we've had to leave a lot of our friends out of the lineup, so it wouldn't feel right to us to include a cousin we hardly know. But thanks." Then move on to another topic.

One of the biggest stressors in wedding planning is having to depend on so many different people to answer your calls or deliver a service, send a deposit check or show up on time. If you're one of those super-reliable people who's always on time, if not early, you're really going to feel this one. And it can be *very* draining to feel like you're always waiting for people to follow through.

Some brides and grooms are so organized that they feel their bridal party is late even when there are still three days before the deadline they enforced.

You don't do anything about people's sense of timing. We all have friends who are always late for dinner, or always show up five minutes before the movie starts. That's just their rhythm, the clock they operate by.

So the best thing that you can do is change your tactic...add a few days of cushion time to what you need from each person. For instance, the groomsmen can get a deadline date of two weeks sooner than you need their size cards. The bridesmaids get a deadline date of two weeks earlier. When you build in some delay time, it keeps you from freaking out about late people. This cushion time is for your sense of peace.

I keep a calendar with cushion deadlines written in red and actual deadlines written in black. My bridal party is scattered all over the country, and everyone operates on their own timing. One of my bridesmaids has 4 kids and homeschools them, and she's always the first to respond. Another bridesmaid is a teacher, and she takes a while to get back to me. I love her to pieces, and it doesn't stress me at all....I know she'll come through. My groom is more laid-back than I am, so he's been getting some cushioned requests, just because I don't want to stress either of us out with a 'time's a wastin'' mentality. It all gives me a valley of harmony...and I'd love for you to experience the same stress relief!

What are your stories of bridal parties, grooms and parents with different timing than your own? And did you realize that maybe it's best if *you* get a little more laid back about your requests? Share your stories in Comments. I'd love to read them!