This one applies more to the bachelorette party...but your bridesmaids might have vastly different tastes when it comes to those X-rated gadgets and gag gifts that are so popular at some bachelorette's parties.

You may have a few friends who have plans for some suggestive gifts, decor, and entertainment...and then there are a few friends who would be ultra-offended by that kind of thing. There's also the issue of your fourteen year-old sister being in the bridal party...and maybe you'd like your sisters-in-law-to-be there, maybe even Grandma.

The trend now is moving away from the bawdy bachelorette party and more towards spa treatments or a really nice dinner out, theater tickets, and nothing that vibrates.

The conflict here is that your bawdy bridesmaids might be sparring with the Maid of Honor, and -- since they can't get permission -- word on the street is that they're planning to have that male dancer show up at the restaurant. Regardless of whether or not Grandma or a minor are there.

If someone alerts you to this planned 'surprise' (and it may not be your MOH who has your back! It might have been her Amex that booked the male dancer!), don't be shy. Don't worry about hurting feelings. Don't give a damn if someone's going to lose their deposit. A face-to-face or a phone call is essential here: "There will be no X-rated anything, nor male dancers, nor phallic-shaped cakes, nor anything else that's not appropriate for a party where my grandmother, my mother-in-law, my mother, my teenaged sister, or anyone else whose opinion I care about will be in attendance. That's the party you want, not me. So feel free to plan that kind of thing for someone else, but I don't want that at my party."

Sounds harsh? Sometimes you have to be, in order to convince friends you're serious. Sure, you'll be called the buzzkill, but that's way better than having your future mother-in-law hold all of that over your head forever.

Hopefully, your bridesmaids know you well enough to know this type of party is not your style, so perhaps the majority of them can quash the plans of the bawdy few. But if the plans spiral in this direction, you know what to say...

And that might be..."Maybe for my 30th birthday party..."

The Ultimate Bridal Shower Idea Book

Today starts my new 5-part series on handling the many dramas that can flare up when your bridesmaids are planning your bridal shower and bachelorette party.

I know, you're the bride and you're not supposed to be involved in those at all. But since more and more brides are involved, either in small ways (like letting bridesmaids know the best date for the party, or helping to choose the theme and menu) or in all ways (let's face it, you're a full planning partner), bridesmaid battles become a big stress issue.

What are they fighting about? Money, usually. Who has it, and who doesn't. Who wants to hold the shower at a country club, and who wants to hold it at their house. Oh, there are plenty of other things they might fight about, but we'll get to them in future posts.

Right now, we're all about Bridesmaid Battles Over Money.

Here's what you can do to help return everyone to Planning in Peace:

1. If you sense tension between your bridesmaids, ask the Maid of Honor what's up. Being direct is the best way to go. Few MOH's and bridesmaids are going to immediately go to you with complaints that one of the bridesmaids is claiming she's broke, but yet she's bragging about her new Manolos. You're more likely to catch on to the battle when it's fully blazing. So ask the MOH how the bridesmaids are working together, if there are any conflicts about any of the plans. She may be polite and say everything's fine, but you can see that little twitch in her eyelid and she's white-knuckling the steering wheel while you're off to your mani-pedi's.

2. Just assume there's a money thing going on. Because right now, for everyone, there is. I don't know anyone who isn't in a budget crunch, so that actually makes your life easier here. Just say, "I'm so happy you guys are planning the shower together, but I don't want the big, formal, country club bash with 100 people invited. I'd really like you to keep it small, no more than 30 guests, informal, nice and relaxed. I don't want you all spending a fortune." The news will reach the bridal party before your first coat dries.

3. Suggest non-monetary contributions. "Since my sister is in college and doesn't have a lot of money to spend on the bachelorette party, is there some other task she can do in place of writing a check, like making all the invitations?" Without actually assigning jobs to everyone, talk openly with the MOH about how you'd rather have your bridesmaids happy with their craft or task contributions and have a smaller, less formal shower than have everyone angry about maxing out their credit cards. The MOH now has your suggestion and can run with it. Hey, taking on setup and cleanup duty for the party is super-valuable, in my opinion. Let everyone else write a $50 check...I'm fine with setting up and decorating, then taking out the trash afterwards.

4. Here's a big one....if a bridesmaid lives really far away and can't attend the shower or the bachelorette party, your MOH and bridesmaids need to know that the faraway bridesmaid is not to be asked to contribute financially to the party. That's a big misstep that a lot of bridal parties are making, and it just stirs up trouble. The farawy bridesmaid can be invited to contribute to a group gift, but she is not to be asked for money to host a party she won't be at. Period.

5. Accept that your bridesmaids have different personalities, different styles of working on projects. Some are more take-charge and others just like to go along to get along. When it comes to money, those take-charge types might find it acceptable to just send out an e-mail saying "I planned it all, and you owe me $200." When that e-mail hits the In-box of the others, it's going to be conflict. How do you fix this one? You pre-empt it. Be direct. Tell that MOH that it's important to you that everyone works together well, and you'd hate to see your group turn into the warring factions that you've read about on message boards. "Sweetie, I know that you know how to get things done, and that $200 isn't a lot to you. But some of my other bridesmaids are looking forward to planning with you, and they don't have a ton of money. I'd feel badly if they mistook your planning savvy and felt that they're being told what to do, so I'd love for you to have a planning chat with them first, agree on the plans and then move forward from there."

Remember, your get-it-done friend doesn't have bad intentions, but your other bridesmaids don't know her. This simple request can prevent the MOH from making a bad impression that causes conflict into the future...especially if she books the country club and now everyone is locked in. Be sure to tell the MOH you know she's going to do an amazing job, and you're so happy you chose her for the role. Flattery will get you everywhere.

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The Ultimate Bridal Shower Idea Book