Delegating is an art form, based in diplomacy and the ability to read people. No one wants to be TOLD what to do, and no one wants to be guilted into helping you. But these two things are other people's personal interpretations of what you say. And there's usually no way of knowing how someone is going to interpret your requests. Some people take everything as a burden, an obligation. When they're asked to do something, they fire up an old wound and think, "Oh, sure, ask me...I'm everyone's go-to girl." You've soon got a sulky sister or a martyr mom. They'd get that way if you asked them to pass the milk over breakfast.

So, step #1 is thinking about how this person usually takes requests for assistance. Some people are thrilled to be entrusted with a task, and others -- as mentioned -- groan and roll their eyes. You'll tailor your request according to what motivates the person you're approaching. We're not talking about manipulating people. We're just getting you to think about how that person has taken past requests. You know who's willing to help and who only wants to help themselves.

You'd be silly to ask a proven selfish person to sacrifice time and resources for you, when you already know that's never worked in the past. Eliminate those people from your delegation list. It's not going to work just because you're the bride and this is your wedding. In many cases, it's far less likely to work for those same reasons.

When you have your list of people who are likely to be happy to help, here's how to ask:

"(Name), I was wondering if you'd like to help me out with a wedding task." Always specify that it's one task, not the overwhelming 'help me out with the wedding plans.' People get scared by that.

"We've been so busy looking for our sites that we haven't have time to scout for florists, so if you or anyone you know has a good florist to recommend, would you be willing to collect a few names for us?" You've been specific.

"We don't need details on their prices or packages, or anything like that. Just the names of any contenders you find in the area." You've just spelled out that the task isn't very detailed.

"I don't know how much free time you have right now, so if this isn't something you'd like to do, I totally understand." You've shown consideration for their time, and given them the easy out.

If they say they don't have time for this task, but please do think of them for any other wedding tasks, say, "Oh, that's terrific! Yes,I'd love that. Which kinds of things do you think you might like to do?" This is the best part of smart asking....THEY tell YOU about the areas where they can help out. Here's where you find out that they love DIY projects, so they can help you make your centerpieces, or that they can bake cookies for the rehearsal dinner dessert bar.

If they say they DO have time to look up florists, give them a nice, healthy deadline: "Fantastic! Thank you! We'll be starting our interviews with florists in 2 weeks, so if you could get me that list before then, that would be terrific. Thank you!" Never give anyone less than a week to get your task done. It's not fair, since we all have busy schedules.

Now a few details:

Is it okay to ask someone to take over a task via e-mail? Yes, if you correspond with them regularly and they've offered to help already.

Is it okay to have your groom ask his mom to help out with something? Yes, if he's willing. Grooms say they don't want to be cut out of the action. If your groom isn't enthusiastic about asking, then ask him to put you on the phone with her the next time they speak so that you can ask. It's a good way for you to establish a relationship with your FMIL, and your groom may prefer that you work together and not make him middleman. Let him tell you what works best for his comfort level right now.

Is it okay to let the prospective helper know that his or her contribution is welcome as the wedding gift to you? Yes, especially if the task takes a lot of time, such as making the favors or preparing food.

And a final note: don't preface your request by complaining about how busy you are, how stressed you are, how much needs to be done for the wedding, how much things cost, etc. That may all be true, but the person you're talking to will surely think you mentioned those things to guilt them into helping you. Stay positive and remember that the wedding is a positive thing in your life, and sharing the planning is a positive thing, too.

It's all in how you ask.

Planning a wedding is a BIG job, bigger than ever before. Depending on the size of the wedding and the scope of the plans, it can almost be too much for one person (or one couple) to handle. At the start of the planning stage, the usual excited bride says, "Oh, I can take care of all this!" but then the pure magnitude of all those decisions and expenses starts to weigh on her, and -- especially when her planned tasks get delayed by slow-to-respond bridal party members or ruled out due to site restrictions -- she wants some help.

Now here's the issue that causes a LOT of brides stress....asking for help from others without losing control of the plans.

After all, parents can tend to run with the tasks you give them. That friend who offered to design your program covers has some ideas to make for better images and layout. The bridesmaid who offered to find discount shoes for the bridesmaids wants stilettos for all. No one has bad intentions, but they're putting their own spins on things.

Today starts a new series on Delegating 101 -- the smarts and missteps of asking friends, family and wedding vendors for help in a way that still achieves *your* vision.

The first question you need to answer, before we get into any scripts and advisories, is this:

What would it mean to you to delegate a wedding task to someone else?

Your first responses might be functional: "tasks would get done faster," "my plate would get cleared," "that person would feel involved in the wedding," and then as you delve deeper you might find yourself really exploring your own sense of 'sharing style': "I would feel like I couldn't handle it all, like I thought I could in the beginning," "I wouldn't be able to say that I/we planned it all ourselves," "I'd have to really fight with that person to get them to do it my way," "I'd have no control in that area of the plans."

There are no right or wrong answers. You're just exploring your own skills at asking for help (which most of us don't like to do), giving up a bit of control (which most of us don't like to do), and handling the unknown. Right now, you're shining a spotlight on your own abilities to share the tasks, before you take another step. Journal this out, because once you understand your *own* tolerance level for delegating, you'll be able to make smart requests and enjoy more peace as things get done in your absence.

Coming up in the next posts of this series: creating your priority list for delegating possibilities, the right way to ask for help, the importance of Patience, the top 5 mistakes of delegating, and taking a task back from a staller,

Relax and breathe....help is on the way.

Many brides make the mistake of thinking they need to handle everything themselves. "It's just easier" and "I know I'll get it done the right way" is usually the rationale, but that's setting yourself up for stress that's not necessary. You're part of a team, even if it's just you and your groom for the most part, with parents playing supporting roles in planning and paying for the wedding itself. And then there's the bridal party and perhaps a wedding coordinator.

So here's your exercise for today...you're going to write down the strengths of each member of your team:

Sarah is really good at finding discounts on fashion and accessories.

Mom is really good at talking with Dad to get him to stop making comments about how much this wedding costs.

(Groom) is really good with all things techno, so he can take over planning the iPod playlist for the rehearsal dinner.

Jennie provides the most inspiring emotional support with her creative analogies.

Harvey always makes me laugh when I need it most.

Now that you have everyone's strengths in black-and-white in front of you, give yourself permission to let these people help you.

Forget about any idea that you'd look foolish or weak or not on top of things if you ask for help. It's a gift to these loved ones when you call them to say, "Hey, I really need a hand right now, and you're so good at ______. Do you have some time for me tonight?" This is the essence of a give-and-take relationship! There is no medal for handling every little thing yourself! No one stands up at the reception and toasts you for isolating yourself in the wedding plans. So look at your team, be thankful they're there, and allow them to help you with whatever you need, large or small.