Your parents expect that the groom's parents will pay for the bar tab at the reception, since that's The Way It's Done. Your groom's parents expect that they will get to host the rehearsal dinner, since that's The Way It's Done. And everyone's mad at you, because you have different plans in mind.

The clash between Old World, traditional etiquette and today's new, modern, freer etiquette rules -- that take into account more couples planning and paying for most if not all of their wedding, leaving parents wondering where they fit in -- causes a ton of stress for wedding couples. Everyone's making assumptions, and everyone's pressuring you to do it their way. And pretty soon, your side of the family and his side of the family aren't liking each other too much.

Here's where you can find out the answers to your own, personal etiquette misunderstandings, so that you can tell parents The Way It WILL Be Done, and still keep everyone at peace: come to my Ask the Wedding Etiquette Expert message board, and get my expert take on your scenario, as well as hear from other supportive members of the wedding community. I'll help you define your etiquette rules and talk to your parents and others diplomatically, so that everyone gets back to the big picture: making sure your wedding day goes the way you want it!

I'm SO guilty of this! I think everyone is, to some degree or another. If you have a disagreement with your mother, your groom, your mother-in-law -- whether it's just a hurtful comment they made or a full-blown argument -- you might spend days, even weeks replaying that conversation in your mind. You go over it again and again, getting angrier and angrier...and then you start talking about it to your friends so that they can get angry for you.

After a while, your feelings are hurt beyond belief, since you've kicked into 'How could she say that to me?' gear, and now your ego's into it, which leads to you thinking about either 1). What you did wrong to get her to say that, or 2). How you can get her back by what you're going to say at Thanksgiving dinner...in 4 months.

What you're doing wrong is thinking about it too much! Yes, it's true that while you're replaying the spat, she's off getting a pedicure, oblivious to your mental turmoil. Happens every time.

So what's the solution to your Replay button on the TiVo of your mind? Ask yourself a few questions:

1.) Am I replaying this scene over and over again because I *wish* I said something different in the heat of battle?

2). Am I unable to accept that this person is just a disagreeable person who likes to pick fights, and I'm trying to 'rewrite' the scene to make her the 'character' I wish she was? [This is a tough one to process, because no one wants to admit their mom is a troublemaker!]

3). Could it be that I'm trying to figure out how I could have prevented an unpreventable argument?

The last one always does it for me. Once I remind myself that I'm not in control of other people's moods and their propensity toward conflict, I can usually hit the Off Button on the conflict. We all want to be surrounded by happy, supportive people, but sometimes -- and this is one of those hard life lessons we get during what is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives -- other people don't fit into the model of what we want them to be. And all the thinking in the world isn't going to change the fact that they decided to criticize the dress or the groom or your menu because of some issues they have.

I suggest journaling your way through these exercises, too. Sometimes getting your thoughts down on paper gets them out of your head. Now, I'm not a therapist, and some families and relationships have issues that are best handled by a pro, but you can try out this process to see if the questions work for you. You might be able to break your bad habit of replaying tough conversations and causing yourself unneeded stress and worry!

You've been nice. You've invited the mothers to help with the wedding plans. You've added a few things to the ceremony to make one of the moms happy. You said okay to a few extra guests of theirs....and they take it one step too far. It might be a song added to your playlist, a change made to your menu...it might not even have anything to do with the wedding, such as claiming your summer vacation for a family getaway that his parents have already booked ["Surprise!"]. Whatever the form, someone has taken advantage of your nice demeanor and generosity. You didn't ask to have your boundaries trampled. You didn't ask to be in this position, and it's especially bad when the groom has spent a few weeks keeping that summer vacation grab a secret from you. NO parent should ever put a bride or groom in that position....EVER.

So where does this leave you? You can't turn back time and un-do the inconsiderate, grabby thing a parent said or did. So how do you handle it from here? Actions speak louder than words. Now, with the next few 'requests' they put in while they still think you're clueless, you respond with, "No, that doesn't fit in with the plans that (groom) and I have discussed. But thanks for suggesting it." Just don't give in to their requests so easily anymore....they're establishing a dominance pattern over you, so you have to take a few firm stands to keep your plans as you want them. They need to hear a simple and polite No sometimes, which is far healthier for you to say now, rather than stew over how you 'gave in' or stress out your fiance while you take out your frustration on him. [Yes, he should have had your back, but haven't we all been blindsided and then found it too late or too awkward to say something?]

Bottom line: you're not going to be 'trained' to go along with everything a parent wants. They may be struggling with such a big change right now, but change is good. For everyone. So say No with a smile when they've gone too far. They'll learn in good time that you will not be bossed around. But you don't have to be aggressive about it.